HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long...not that anyone reads this. Things have been...all over the place. The semester was off to a good start albeit busy, but things have really declined. In the past month or so, bingeing and purging has been out of control, my grades slipped a little, I ruined rapport with my work study supervisor, started interning less and skipping classes more, and just overall have been down. Why do I always seem to spiral downward? Last semester I lost weight and restricted more and this semester I b/ped more. I def will not be making the dean's list this semester:( Oh man. Maybe I am just not an "A" student. I can't even think about grad school right now.

My sister and boyfriend are visiting from NY for the holiday. I am thankful for Betsy and feel we have definitely gotten closer over the years. We don't talk frequently but when she's home, I feel we have genuine conversations now. I like her boyfriend but naturally, I prefer when she visits alone. I am also jealous that she has a nice guy and seems to be really happy with him.  She's not that much older than me and I am so far from independent like she is. :/ My therapist said the other day she saw a couple in their 60s at EatNPark the other day with their adult daughter in her thirties and she was "bitching' about life the whole time. My therapist said she and her husband kind of felt bad for her in a pathetic way and she said I cannot be living with my parents at 30. That idea really scared me and woke me up to the fact I HAVE to work on my issues. I get sad by how much time has passed with this damn ED and how quickly my life has gone....I still feel 16 and kind of wish I was sometimes.:(

My therapist (Beth) told me the other day she's worried about me. She emailed saying if I think things are escalating then we better start thinking about inpatient places and I said absolutely NOT. Not only can I not afford to take time off school, my parents would KILL me and i can't afford it. Also, I'd rather be thin going into treatment. That's beside the point,though. When she said she was worried, I basically took that to mean she was giving up on me. Sometimes I think she can oversimplify things and not understand how hard this battle is. I also can't stand when she said I am "basically" her size. Hello, she is 5'8"ish and 128 lbs....umm...let's just say I am a few in shorter and right now heavier than that! Overall, I love her,though.

Blah. I have been so antsy today and I am not sure why. I ate a bagel and pumpkin cream cheese, ran 2 miles, ate fruit and a yogurt with walnuts and flaxseed and then felt like walking again but didn't want my parents to say anything. Its a GORGEOUS day and unseasonably warm. I feel lonely and empty though as usual. I am waiting for my parents to be ready to go to my aunt and uncle's house. Betsy and Bobby and Brendan already left--I miss my other sister because I feel like we're more alike and I have her to hang out with. I feel excluded around the others frequently. Maybe it's just my perception. I hope we don't stay long. Id rather come home, watch a movie, and fall asleep. I am not looking fwd to working 9 hrs for Black Friday tomorrow and 8 hours Sat at Old Navy. Blah. At least it'll be a decent paycheck before my jaw surgery.

I am excited for jaw surgery to have time off and the chance to not b/p, but I'm sure it'll be much more miserable than I remember. I know it was miserable but this time my mouth will not be wired. Also, he said I will stay in hospital about 5 days. If I get a kid roommate I am gonna flip out. I hope they give me a private room at CHildrens or they drug me up a lot. haha. The surgeon said I will be on clear liquids first, then any liquids, then switch to solids after about 1.5-2 weeks. He said expect to lose 5-10 lbs but gain it back. First off, I was hoping I'd lose more like 15-20 and second of all, I DO NOT want to gain it back. My luck I'll gain weight. Whatever.

GOSH, I want to get better so badly yet I still feel so sick.

Later.

I'm thankful for:
-family
-friends
-my body's resilience
- a safe home
- sunshine:)
-luna bars/clif bars/vegan and vegetarian food that make me happy
- my kitty
-OBX
- scarves
-education
-my laptop
-music

verbal purge

I am discouraged about school and grad school. I get frustrated that it feels like everyone has a boyfriend and I can't find anyone that isn't gay/an asshole/ just wanting to hook up. I hate being emotional. I want to exercise daily. I get frustrated not knowing what I'll be doing next year. I want to move out but not sure when that situation will ever arise--it needs to be the right people/situation. I want to be healthy and not want to lose weight, but I want to be sickeningly thin some days. I want to be closer to my siblings. I want closer friends. I miss treatment some days because life was so much "safer". It feels right to eat there and okay to gain weight. Well, not okay but more okay. This is like a verbal purge. Not making any sense...just trying to get it out.

ejm50.tumblr.com

check it out.

still don't get it really

B: Oatmeal with soy milk, canned peaches, and walnuts
S:banana
L: Salad with honey mustard, tofu, cucumbers, and a few croutons
about (15?) honey wheat pretzels

As for the rest of the day, I will probably have a granola bar before class at 6 and may buy myself something to eat before or after class.

I hope I can just keep this food in today and not want to restrict tomorrow or b/p tonight. Do I actually have the potential to eat normally? Whoa.

I was SO excited to eat my tofu salad. I am such a dork. I was sitting in class (an extremely boring one at that) on Facebook and pinterest and i couldn't wait to just be done and go indulge.

:) mmm I keep googling vegan recipes and so badly want to try veganism again, but I love things that rent vegan like...honey mustard...and gummy candy...and sadly, cheese.

I think I will just eat a lot of vegan/healthy foods but not "be" vegan, which is so hard for me to only be half of something. I am SO black-and-white about everything.

I LOVE:
tofu
almond butter
veggie burgers
luna/clif/lara bars
oatmeal
nuts
baked goods
etc.
I want to try to experience cooking tempeh, quinoa, and many vegan recoups.

Now if only I had time to bake/cook....

all over the place

Binge/purge.

Restrict.

Eat normally. :)

Eat normally.

Binge/purge.

Restrict.

Eat normally.:) I can do this.

Binge.

Restrict.

This is my life.


:( WTF do I want?

Thinness or an offing life?!

Better decide.

I am "happy" when I restrict, I am miserable when I b/p, and when I eat normally, I am happy for like a day and then am sooo miserable.

Everything leads to unhappiness.

First day of school

So, this is the first day of my last fall semester. (I hope) So far, I just had one class and it was literally just reading the syllabus. If i were still in the dorms or lived in Oakland, this wouldn't be annoying; however, I commute and now I am bored until my next class and have 4.5 hours to kill. I texted two people to try to plan coffee or lunch, but we will see. It's not like I even have homework to do yet.

I SHOULD try so hard to start this semester off right and follow a meal plan, however hard that may be. I still want to be in restriction mode even though I know how much I have to lose (no pun intended) this semester. I have a lot going on and can't screw it up. I am having jaw surgery in December and my doctor will absolutely not let me have it if my BMI falls below 20. Yet, like clockwork, I am calculating my calories today and had oatmeal (~400?) and have raspberries and a banana to hold me over today and MAYBE eat later, although the quantity depends on if I go to the gym or not. That's not dangerously a low amount of calories...I just hope I have the willpower to sustain it. But....that's not a good idea. I want to be strong this semester and not merely just get by. AHHHH, conflicting thoughts. Damn you, eating disorder. I basically want two different lives. I like being restrictive and feeling like I get thinner and clothes get loose and I see the number fall. I like feeling in control. I like being described as skinny. I even like when people tell me I look "too thin". YET, I also like the feeling of making dean's list, I like feeling like I will get into a master's or doctoral(psh) program, I like feeling smart, and like making my parents proud. These two worlds just cannot coexist--except I feel like I am always trying to make that happen in some shape or form.

I hope I didn't put too much on my plate this semester. I am already finding myself struggling to make a tentative schedule for all the things i want to do. It's all good stuff and God knows I love to be busy. I just don't want to be stressed and A) give up or B) stop eating and end up in the hospital from stress/electrolyte imbalance/dehydration/etc.
-internship for credit with Catholic Charities about 10 hours a week (I need 120 by end of semester)
- 4 classes
- Old Navy probably Saturdays/Sundays and maybe an occasional weeknight
- Project HEAL Pittsburgh Chapter meetings 2X a month (run by me) and fundraisers
- and I want to try work study
-and occasionally volunteer at women's shelter
^Eek. I hope I can do it. If I drop anything, I guess it will be the work study

I feel so OLD. I hate hearing everyone talk about their summers or what dorm they are in this year. I find myself resentful and bitter and the painful memories always float through my head. (frat party, taking many semesters off, bingeing and purging in my dorm room, depression, feeling isolated by "friends", skipping classes, running during when I was supposed to be in class, overdosing on sleeping pills, etc.) Oh joy. I feel like a fucking failure. 24 and still in undergrad. I have to breathe and remember my degree (and my health and well-being) is the most important thing and screw anyone else. I am here for me. I think a small part of myself is proud I AM here and didn't give up along the way. It was never an option for me to not get my degree.

Anyway, I am liking my new therapist. Sometimes I am afraid she is judging me, but I think that's just my unhealthy mind. She said something the other day that I vehemently disagreed with at first. She said since I put a lot of effort into my appearance and pride into the outfits I plan, I can't feel as disgusting as I say I do. She said there's a disconnect between feeling so disgusting and putting effort into my appearance because most people, according to her, that feel that way just wear sweatpants. SHe asked if I was "proud" of being thin. My eyes almost popped out of my head because someone calling me thin just seemed to be absurd. At first, I got defensive and thought she was saying there's no way I feel disgusting. I think she meant there is a part of me, however small, that doesn't think I am totally disgusting, and I need to try to strengthen it.I think she's right. I think a small part of me likes that I got thinner last semester and is terrified to gain a pound. I feel better (although never thin enough) about my body than when I left treatment. Was I happier when I left treatment, though? Absolutely. My mood now I feel like is always blah or anxious.

Okay. I am sick of typing. Hopefully I will blog more now that I am back in school with blocks of time to kill.

Blahhhhhh


Just binged and purged. My parents took me out to dinner and I felt gross so just ate a ton and purged. Fuck.

I waited until 6PM to eat anything today and had cottage cheese with a banana. Then took a 2 mile walk/jog and was probably thirsty and hungry by the time we ate...and just "ate too much". (meaning probably net calories of 1000ish today) I freaked and punished myself with bingeing/purging.

Tomorrow I hope I can get back into a stricter mode.

Let the self-hatred begin.

I just want to lose 10 lbs. 10. Why is it not easy? I am just impatient and not in a healthy mind frame, I guess. I just don't see why it can't' happen--I'd still be in the normal weight range(about 3 pounds from underweight). According to my doctor, however, people can still have loads of medical complications at any BMI--and she's seen some severe things in women with a BMI of 19 or 20--which is technically still "healthy".

I think BMI is a big load of crap. This is why I am a hypocrite for putting so much emphasis on getting to a certain BMI. I want to have a BMI of 18.6-19 and call it a day. I need to be careful,though, because I think my MD said I can't get jaw surgery with a BMI lower than 20.

Okay, I am sick of hearing myself ramble as I reread this. I am going to go suffer in the heat and try to jog/walk 2 miles.

Later.

The weigh it's been

Hello...

I have not blogged in forever and, truthfully, I do not have a lot of new things to say.

I cannot believe it is almost August. Holy heck. I am not wanting the summer to end because I <3 the warmth and pool days and lack of responsibility. On the other hand, I want school to go back and to be in more of a routine. I know that my eating disorder would like school to go back so I can get back into restriction mode and lose weight. I want to lose 10 lbs. For some reason, I feel I am healthy until my BMI reaches underweight...which os still 14 pounds for me. That's a lot!

I have been bingeing and purging less which is good. I have started restricting a little but have eaten a ton these past few days because my sisters are visiting for the weekend. I feel when they come I always try to appear normal. (even though 1 had an ED and the other has an ED) I was overwhelmed after work yesterday and alone so I did slip and binge and purge. My brother showed up early from work,though, and I pretended I was taking a shower so I could purge. I hope he never hears this stuff--there doesn't need to be more distance than there already is between us.

I am going to maybe see that new therapist soon. The one who was my professor at La Roche. I am kind of intimidated by her because a) she seems rich b) she is thin and c) she has a PhD. We will see--I like Jennie but know I won't forgive myself if I don't try it out with Beth. She does seem like she does a lot of body image work which God knows I need. She also specializes in trauma and works from a  psych dynamic approach, which I like.

I miss my manager Megan a lot. (Sorry, I keep jumping around in this post) She got a new job and I miss her at work and her role as my support. The new ASM who replaced her looks anorexic and makes me feel disgusting. I want to cry/die/ spontaneously lose 20 lbs when I see her. My managers are aware, though, and have been letting me talk through it, which is helpful.

Blah. I feel like I gained so much this summer even though I technically only gained...2-5 lbs since the end of the semester. Why is 10 lbs so hard to lose? That would completely satisfy me and I'd be like 4-5 lbs from being underweight. Right now as it stands, I can only lose 5 lbs or my dr will not let me have jaw surgery. So, 10 she wouldn't approve.
We will see. I will probably gain weight by the time I have jaw surgery. I am terrified. Please, God, even if I don't lose weight, don't let me gain another pound. At this weight, it's the very maximum acceptable weight.

And I need to go to bed so I can stop rambling about unproductive topics.

Healthy me....please come back.

Oh, summer, you're going way too quickly.

24th birthday is quickly approaching. 24! You damn eating disorder, I HATE YOU.

Why can't i just ditch you? As I was running today, I actually felt sorry for myself. This was not in a "woe-is-me-I-hate-my-life" kind of way but rather "you poor girl for having your life stolen by this stupid disease". I don't know. I take some forward steps and get mad at the ED but then I snap and am right back where I was. Way too much bingeing and purging, not enough restricting, and definitely not a picture of health right now. Haven't been losing weight...if anything been gaining. I am always on a better path then go to the doctors and get weighed and boom, I am in trouble. It's not even knowing the weight that upsets me--it's my perception,too. Even when I don't know the number I PERCEIVE/know it's gone up and just lose it.

Starve. Purge. Run. Binge. Binge. Purge. Run. Eat Normally. Binge. Run.Run.Run. Starve. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Eat Normally. Run. Run. Run.

^That's my summer so far pretty much.

I would like next summer to be Run. Smile. Laugh. Hang with Friends. Hang with Parents. Run. Laugh. Eat. Eat. Run. Relax. Repeat.

:( Don't feel like saying much else now.


Work 12-7 tomorrow

going crazy. what else is new?

feel fat. disgusting. can't stop bingeing and purging. need to restrict. want to get better. want my bones to stick out. want a new therapist. want to keep my same one. want to be young again. want to die. hate myself. want to protect the young,innocent child in me.

conflicting thoughts.

feel alone. everyone says God can help me...but where is he?

I never feel his presence.

I cry and feel pain and that's it.

:(

Trauma class

So, I am liking my summer class so far! It's very interesting...and I think I found a new therapist. I didn't go in with any intentions of soliciting a therapist, obviously,but she has brought up clients with eating disorders several times and I couldn't help but think she'd be a wonderful therapist for me. So, I asked. It's unethical to see me during this class as it's a conflict of interest, but after it's done, I am going to start. This excites me...but also makes me uneasy because I love Jennie as a person and don't want to tell her I am leaving. I hope that if it doesn't work out with Elizabeth I can go back to Jennie. Gosh, these all sound like relationships haha.

She seems rich and is super thin,though. So, I am afraid she will judge me like "oh, she's fat and ugly and has braces". And poor. Oh, man. I wish I could shut my thoughts off.

I have still been on a binge/purge train wreck. Today was the first day in a while I restricted/exercised back in my normal routine. I don't know what the hell I want. Well, I KNOW what I want--I just can't have both. I wish there were a way I could be thin and healthy and happy. The problem happens when I actually try to eat normally and do the work of getting better. I feel incredibly disgusting and alone and nothing/no one can take away my pain and discomfort. So, I decide it's better to control my weight. I go back and forth so much in my head about what I should do that it's a daily battle. When I think about school and my career aspirations, I KNOW I NEED to stop this damn eating disorder. It's prevented me from doing well at PItt, being happy there, going to class, finish semesters, etc. I need no more evidence. I could be healthy and do well and *Hopefully* get into a grad school program. My dream is a PsyD program,but that's a really long shot. Regardless, I know I need to be healthy to a) get into grad school because I need to be well enough to raise my Pitt grades and b) help myself before I can help anyone else. But why oh why does being thin and having loose clothes feel more important sometimes? I can't describe the discomfort of clothes feeling tight. I turn into this miserable wreck who hates the world. I wore the same outfit a few days in a row and cried to my mom yesterday saying I feel disgusting. I was emotional because I started my period but I still meant everything I said. It's so hard for her to understand. She told me maybe I just have to learn to live with this ED and I just stomped upstairs still crying. I am sure it's extra hard to see your daughter think she's ugly and fat for years and years--you probably feel helpless.

I am LOVING the Hunger Games Trilogy. I am going to be seriously devastated when I finish the 3rd one. The premise sounded so dumb, but I have gotten really into them! I need to see the movie now. My mom's so happy I am finally reading some fiction--it's funny.

I liked a kid...for about a day. Boys are so stupid. It was Laura's friend and he flirted with my and held my hand while drinking one night. I'm sorry, but please don't do that if you're drunk and don't like someone. I got the wrong impression (easy to do) and tried to invite him to lunch. He didn't really respond and Laura told me he was just drunk touchy and thinks I am nice,though. Whatever. Most drunk guys don't go around holding hands of girls. Stupid men. I swear no one is ever interested in me.

I am having friend problems now and don't feel like getting into it, but someone is mad at me and I think is being very unfair. Typical. I have few good friends and some don't even live here. Lame. My mom said to forget about fair-weathered friends and stop hanging out with people who aren't good friends, even if it means staying home often. She's probably right. I am so sick of judging my worth by how many friends I have and most of them aren't even real friends. Good friends are so rare.

One thing I learned in class today that was super helpful was that an event in itself isn't traumatic; it's your reaction to an event that makes it traumatic or not. This is so helpful. I always told my past therapists that what happened to me at the frat party wasn't rape therefore "shouldn't" be a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal because if it weren't, it wouldn't still affect me.

I am glad I didn't post on Saturday. I was in a SUPER good mood. It was strange and I knew that it would not last. Frankly, no one is in that good of a mood all the time, but if there is someone...I envy you. I started thinking I could use this summer to get worse either by restricting and losing weight or binge and purge my way( and weigh) back to misery. But then what? Hospital? Treatment? Delaying school? I will ultimately be in the exact same position of having to recover and go through the pain and discomfort, so why not start now? Getting worse only delays things. I was channeling my 16-year-old self(before ED) and remembering a time when I WAS happy and enjoyed food and ran without obsession. I want that girl back so badly. I also look at pictures of myself as a little girl and think that I would never starve or abuse the body of that little princess.:) But I don't feel like that's me.


Anyway, I had a day 1/2 of eating normally and then my stomach was SO distended and I had a freak out. My stomach is always distended after a meal but after eating normally, I SERIOUSLY looked pregnant. If there's one thing that triggers me, it's clothes being tight or feeling my stomach rub against my pants or whatever. I cried, and laid in bed, and fell asleep. Then, I went out with Danielle and her boyfriend, which distracted me momentarily. I did feel super tired and a little weak,though. That made me mad and confused because I was thinking that I actually had been asymptomatic for a period of time and should feel great. I could have still been dehydrated (as I am pretty sure I constantly am) and maybe that's what was causing me to feel that way.

I cancelled my game night due to feeling ill and knew I was going home to just binge and purge. I couldn't wait to have the house alone (because family was at the Pirates game) and I went to town. I started sweating at some point after purging and was worried I was getting dizzy. I did it again and was miserable and laid around for the rest of the night. Today I tried to eat a normal breakfast and have to work in an hour. I hate being in a miserable mood at work, which is most of the time. When I am restricting and losing weight, I feel okay. When I know I have gained weight (which I can't even bear to weigh myself because I know I have gained at least 5 lbs), I am the world's biggest miserable lump. Weight definitely affects my mood and I wish it didn't.

Betsy and her boyfriend were visiting this weekend, but I hardly got to see them. I hope Betsy visits soon. I hate feeling not extremely close to my siblings and I ache for more time spent together. I am too much of a "feeler". I wish I wasn't so relationship/emotion oriented. Blah.

I have to finish getting ready for work. I will try to blog more often because this is somewhat of a release to me.

Oh, my final grades this semester were so much better than I usually get!

A+ in joke computer class
B+
B-
A

Yeah! I am bitter I haven't applied myself the whole time. And if I wouldn't have given up prematurely this semester, I definitely would have had another A.

Later.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to my best friend and the most wonderful person I know.<3

How I've been spending my summer break

Well, it's been hard to give up the structure of having somewhere to be weekly for classes. I have been trying to fill my time, but for a little while, I was definitely losing it.

1) Trying to not binge/purge. I had a really long period of being symptomatic. Toward the end of school I got really stressed about grades and finishing classes that I panicked and kind of self-handicapped-- so my grades are worse than they should have been. I started b/ping to deal with anxiety and it just turned into a vicious cycle since I would feel gross and fat and just kept saying "fuck it". I have been b/p free since Wednesday,though.

2) Appointments. I have no idea what to do about counseling. I have not been too thrilled with things between Jennie and me, so I saw Gina yesterday for a session. It was okay but I don't know I should go back to her either. I left for a reason. AH. My natural reaction is "Okay, no counseling!" but I know that's probably not the right answer. I saw my doctor this week and had a freak out because she walked in the room congratulating me for gaining 2 pounds. After she sent me the negative blood work results, I told her I would try harder. SO, she thought the gain was from a conscious effort and didn't know it was from bingeing and purging. Blah. I seriously was having a meltdown over that but have been trying to go back to my routine in effort to naturally lose the 2. My doctor was telling me I cannot healthily lose more weight and have my body be okay, which was hard to hear. She said there are 2 paths and what I want is not what my body wants.

3) Work. I am getting 12 hours and probably need to look for an additional job. Especially because Ohio wants 200 a month as of June 1st. Greattttt. I want to look into work study at Pitt, but I don't know if it's too late for the summer. WPIC also has not called me back about volunteering and I am a little frustrated.

4) Trying to keep busy. I try to see as many friends as possible per week so I don't go insane. I am not a big reader but I bought the Hunger Games trilogy and, to my surprise, I am enjoying it so far.  I also have been exercising a bit which feeds my soul. Love the release. I made vegan chocolate chip scones yesterday and was SO proud. They are awesome. And I ate 2. I tricked myself to thinking they are healthy because vegan...but not necessarily true because they still have sugar and white flour. And vegan margarine. Whatever. I want to look up more yummy recipes and try cooking/baking. I have a feeling getting into that stuff and making things I feel good about would help me to get better. Feeling good about what I am eating, although rare, is the best feeling. I wish I could go vegan but I don't think I can due to a lot of foods I love having dairy in them. :(

My sister is visiting this weekend and I am nervous I can't stick to my exercise/food routine. She has/had an ED and I know will be extra aware. Boo. We'll see. I am super excited to see her.though. She doesn't get home from CA too too often.

TGIF, ya'll.

End of school

Woo hoo for the end of the semester. I certainly cannot say it ended as strongly as it began, but I FINISHED all my classes for only the 3rd time in 4.5 years at Pitt. Definitely proud of myself. I screwed myself over in classes I had As in, but at least I am finishing. As the eating disorder got worse, so did my concentration, motivation, and grades. If there were ever any doubt about the correlation of the two things, I think if I graphed out the trends the correlation coefficient would be as close to 1 as possible!

I definitely have mixed feelings about the semester ending. In one sense, it is a huge sign of relief because I don't have the stress of school always lingering over my head. In another sense, I am terrified to be entering into the summer without that structure, with my mom home 24/7, and with tons of free time. I do plan to volunteer at WPIC if they ever call me back. I also will continue to work at Old Navy, although I am sure at max I will get 20 hours per week. I want to look into work study jobs but am afraid to because of the chance that the eating disorder gets out of control and I can't keep it up. I'll still look into it--for all i know, I may not be eligible for work study this summer.

Speaking of treatment-related things, i met with Jennie yesterday and it didn't go so great. She was telling me she feels like she's the only one "in this" and I need to step it up. Otherwise, it's a waste of time for us to meet. I, of course, take this as her giving up on me, and my first reaction is "fine, I'm good". I am good meaning I don't need to come. Mature, huh? She basically asked what would help and let her know what I want to do. I don't know what to do! I told her that at this point the overall goal of "not restricting" seems way too overwhelming to me and I need to break it down. She didn't seem to have advice as to what would be a baby step. She asked if I needed more intensive treatment to which I told her I don't know. For several reasons. 1) parents would never ever go for treatment again unless my physical health necessitated it 2) I still need to pay River Centre a shitload 3) I feel I am not at rock bottom (which is what point I usually end up in before treatment) How can one hit rock bottom more than once and still not be better? Jennie said it looked like i "dropped weight" but I am still around the same number...120...scale said 122 actually today. Why can't I break into the teens? Oh,god, I say I am satisfied and just don't want to gain any, but clearly there is a mental game with the numbers. I know I'm probably chasing perfection that doesn't exist, but it doesn't make me want it any less....even when I see it destroying my life.

Blah. I have an appointment next week to see my old therapist so I can discern who I want to see,if anyone. I know going back to Gina probably isn't the best idea--but Im comfortable with her. Actually, I haven't seen her in a year so it might be super awkward. Ugh, what do I get myself into. My doctor's probably close to giving up on me,too. Ill see what she says MOnday. I get that people may feel their hands are tied if I am not willing to do much. It's just so easy to rationalize why I am still healthy. I just wanted to be comfortable in my body.

Things with Julie were disappointing the other day. I don't know what to attribute it to. We were so code at one point and i know friendships change and life gets crazy, but it feels so different. I love her and her daughter and would do anything to save our friendship, but I am at a loss. I feel like I am boring and she's over me.

I had to say goodbye to Ruth today which sucked. I managed to hold back the waterworks( Gosh, why  am I so emotional) but I could hardly speak because I was choking back tears. I HATE goodbyes. I know that when friendships go long distance, it is just not the same anymore. Friends being close in physical distance is so much easier. Plus, Ruth was there for a lot of hard times. I will miss her a ton but I hope we stay in touch. I guess friends that you're meant to stay in touch with, you will. It's so hard for me to get that just because they're not physically there anymore doesn't mean they're not still there for me.

Well, I'm miss depressing today. I'll list something happy.

Things I am looking forward to:
1) My sister, Katie, is visiting next weekend
2) I am getting Aladdin's for dinner with Megan(coworker/friend) next week:)
3) Hopefully going to the bar with candy necklaces and wearing a cute outfit tomorrow night
4) Sheetz night with Laura as per usual Sunday
^That's it. Man, I have no life I guess. But those things all make me happy so that's good! I've felt so alone lately and am glad I have had a lot of contact (more so than usual) with my coworkers lately. I have vented (probably too much) about the eating disorder and I am glad to get some of the thoughts out. I hope they don't think I am crazy. Honestly, if a friend told me what I tell people, I would be so worried/frustrated/want to shake them, but for myself, there's not the same level of care or compassion. If I think of myself as a little girl, however, I would NEVER say the things or treat myself like I do now. I don't know why there's such a disconnect. Last week I cried in my friend's arm and told her that and that I just want to FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I never wanted this to last this long (or knew what the hell I was getting into) when I first started running and restricting 7 or 8 years ago.:(

There I go with depressing again;)

Anyway, Im gonna go watch Beauty and the Beast for a little or TV with my mom. Please let it be a night where I fall asleep peacefully (with the help of meds, of course) and not cry/worry myself to sleep.

Criticism

Mom:" Oh my god. Look at your arms. What do you weigh? 90 pounds?"
Me: " Mom! No. I am fine. I weigh 120. It is still healthy!"
Mom: " Well, you don't look healthy. You look much different than when you left treatment.
Me: "Nuh uh."

^ Okay, yes, I lost weight since treatment. I would make a horrible lawyer--I never can defend myself. I just say nope, nuh uh, or no. I don't know what else to say. I don't want her to worry. I AM still healthy. I am getting my period still (a telling sign of health according to my MD), am at a healthy BMI, still eat a variety of foods, etc. I just watch my calories. Yes, I have an eating disorder and am working on not bingeing and purging as much. Am I at an anorexic weight? Absolutely not. Am I bingeing as purging as often in the past? Definitely not. Therefore, I am healthier.

I swear if the feedback came more out of care than anger, I would be more receptive. It just makes me mad when you approach me with frustration or anger. I do have to understand I cannot begin to know how it feels like to be in her position and to have watched her baby girl battle this for 7 years.<3 It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

Bloodwork

Ellen,

Released your lab work. Still waiting on the Vit D.

You are iron deficient.

Your complete blood count shows decreased white blood cells (which fight infection), and decreased platelets (which help with blood clotting). Your thyroid is slightly suppressed.

These findings are likely all related to your body not getting enough nutrients.

You can take iron supplements (available over the counter or by prescription) but there isn't much you can do about the other things, other than improve your nutritional status.

Consider this serious evidence of harm you are doing to your body by restricting.

I will be out of the office starting today until next Thursday. My partner, Dr. Nordman, will be available if you have questions before then.

Dr. S

I don't know. When I read that I was like "oh, she's being dramatic." She is a medical doctor. And I trust her opinion immensely. I was expecting if anything was off, it'd be electrolytes. It's tough because electrolyte imbalance can lead to death instantaneously. It's like a gamble because it could happen at any time. That's probably more dangerous? And then, there's damage that says there's (at least to me, without a medical degree) more of a cumulative effect like over the summer when i hate ketones in my urine and now, having decreased platelet and WBC count. I must say, the thing I was most upset about was decreased thyroid function because that's probably why it's so hard to freaking lose weight. That and I end up being a pig and bingeing and purging usually...but still. I guess that speaks to the decline of my mental state since coming from Ohio. My body's failing (I'm being dramatic) and I am just worried about my throid function so I won't have a hard time losing weight my whole life. Dear Lord. I feel bad for my friends that have to listen to me. I know I cannot understand how frustrating it would be to watch someone go through this(for years). Thanks to my true friends who have stuck around and let me vent and try to help me fight. Please know that any reason I still struggle has nothing to do with you, and if I could "snap out of this" to take away anyone's pain, I totally would. <3

Ew, I got a bill from Ohio yesterday that said I have to start making 200 a month minimum payments as of June 1st. This might halt my summer class potentiality because I may need to work 2 jobs. Blah. I thought maybe in the envelope was a letter from my therapist or something. I know treatment centers are like any other business and need to make money, but I am always disheartened how it seems like money is the number 1 priority. I guess that's true in life as well.

Ugh, I really should start the 15,000 assignments all due in the next few days. I.am.so.screwed.:(

I was doing well this semester. The past 3 weeks I would say have just kind of gone to shit in terms of schoolwork, concentration, health, etc. I haven't lost any more weight (they weighed me at the drs...with my shoes on...and I still was at 123) I am at a BMI of 20.5 And my doctor informed me that I can't drop below 20 for surgery in December or she will not improve it. You think it'd be 18.5 because that's the underweight benchmark, but she said it would be too dangerous. Makes sense I guess. THis upset me for several reasons. I don't know if I feel pressured to stay at this weight until then, upset I can't lose more weight by then, upset knowing it could be hard to maintain this weight until December, afraid I'll be 'fat' for my surgery or what. I just know I felt like crying when I left her office yesterday.

It always frustrates me that I get mixed reviews. Above everything,though, I would much rather people tell me...so thank you to those that keep telling me how you feel. I would hate to find out, for example, that everyone at work was worried or saying I looked bad or what not and then no one told me until much much later. THis didn't happen but I just am using that as an example.

MY evidence I am still healthy: still getting a period, still wear a "normal" size--4/6, still functioning in school (kind of), not an underweight BMI, Julie said I looked good, Kristen said the same I think

Evidence I am not doing so well: Lab results, concern from Danielle/Laura/Ruth, work incident, bingeing and purging 1-3 times a week, obsession with food and staying under my calorie limit

Okay, I really need to do homework or work out...or something.

Later!

lack.of.motivation.bad mood.

miserable mood. binged 3 times in past 2 days and purged 4 times. Feel like shit. feel fat. tired. dehydrated. absolutely no motivation to finish semester.so much work to do and haven't started for my 10 pg paper due thurs and 7 min presentation/paper due tuesday. work tonight. just wanna sleep.feel crazy and hopeless and obese and depressed. i don't feel like blogging and am only speaking in partial thoughts. with a period every other second. Speaking of periods, I am on mine and anyone that tells me I am too thin, think of that. My Dr said a better judgment of health, rather than weight, is that I am still getting my period. Me=Healthy. (At least physically)

Later.

:(

Face Down

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

[Red Jumpsuit Apparatus]

^Lately I have been jamming to music from my high school days and it's been enjoyable despite it making me feel old. These lyrics I especially like and feel like it kinds of sums up my ED. The song is about an abusive relationship I think, but according to my therapist, the ED is parallel to an abusive relationship in many ways.

Anyway, I am skipping class to try to finish a paper that was due Tuesday(!). AH. He said I can turn it in when I want, but he probably didn't expect it to take this long. I am lucky he's being so understanding. He may take points off but I am not sure. I think professors are being extra flexible because of the chaos the past month or so. I also said I haven't been feeling well (which there's truth to that, especially given last week's events) and could provide a doctor's note if necessary. I don't want to always fall back on the excuse of an ED, but really it does so affect my school work. I am lucky I have gotten as far as I did this semester because these past few weeks it's been way harder to accomplish anything.

Yesterday I had a pretty good day! I woke up and went to the orthodontist with my mom and we discussed jaw surgery further. He said if I want to shoot for December we need to get the process started with braces in the next few weeks. If I decide to do it for sure, he said I can wait to decide who the surgeon is going to be and that he felt comfortable with either one. My mom's big concern is that the healthcare bill will be repealed and I will be out of insurance. God, please, if I could pray for one thing right now it would be that I can stay on my parent's insurance until 26. I won't finish school for a bit and if anyone needs his or her insurance, it's me. Between therapy, doctor's appointments, and this surgery, I really need it...not to mention coverage for inpatient/partial coverage for a partial program if I need it. I don't plan to ever go back to treatment, but I guess it'd be nice to have that option in case things slip pretty badly. After the appointment, I got oatmeal with my mom and went to Target. Then, I met Megan at Mad Mex. It was really good! I feel really comfortable talking to her one-on-one. When we're at work and a lot of younger people are around, I don't talk to her much and find that she's kind of different in front of people. By herself,though, she is a really good listener and fun to be around. I hope she actually enjoyed getting dinner with me and didn't a) feel obligated or b) try to get some dirt to tell my coworkers. I really doubt it. It is horrible that I even think that way. I felt bad because we pretty much talked about my eating disorder the whole time. I KNOW how draining it is to listen to me and how helpless my friends can feel. It's a super tough place for them to be in and it's hard for me to feel like I am affecting my friendships and worrying/frustrating people but not necessarily knowing how to stop myself from doing what I am doing. Megan said that I seem to be very insightful by realizing that eating too much makes me anxious which makes me restrict. I guess I don't realize how much I do understand about my eating disorder, even if I don't necessarily know WHY I do something.After that, I went home and did a little work and then went to Sheetz with LSenn:) It was so nice to spend time with her. I have felt really isolated from her and feel like her boyfriend has taken my place. I know that's probably not true but it's hard not to feel that way, and it's even harder because I don't even like him that much. I think she deserves the world and a lot of interactions I have seen between them have not pleased me. She definitely expressed her concern last night and said to be careful because I am looking too thin. The scale STILL says only 12 pounds lost...that reading that said 14 lbs that one time must have been a fluke. I really should only weigh myself once a week. Obviously I think I am overestimating calories burned because my net calorie amount should make anyone lose weight. I get that starvation mode can cause anyone to hold onto weight, but eventually, it doesn't matter because when there's a deficit of calories the body WILL lose weight. As I have told a few people, at this point, I am not necessarily dying to lose weight (although clearly I wouldn't be upset) but am TERRIFIED to gain weight because I am finally feeling better about my clothes fitting. I am rather sure if I ate a normal amount, I would gain it all back. I feel bad for worrying Laura and other friends, but I don't know what to do! I know they can't save me and as much as some days I want my life back and realize this is a HUGE waste of time, the desire to be thin outweighs this (no pun intended) on other days! It is so much harder than just saying you want to stop--it honestly feels like the devil is controlling me some days.

Today I feel like I have binged. I ate a granola bar AND this nutrition bar totaling 340 calories PLUS some calories from yesterday that carried over andddd I already have my dinner planned out at Pita Pit. Also, I usually get hungry and eat a Luna Bar(or two) at night before bed. I cannot control myself lately. I have already pushed some calories eaten today into the weekend. Ridiculous. No wonder i haven't lost more weight. Good lord.

I hope to go to the gym during my last class. So, basically I came to Oakland today to do homework and go to the gym. Genuius, Ellen. Waste parking garage money and gas to come. Well, I hope I am more productive than I would've been just sitting at home. I better go do something. I still need to look into summer classes. Part of me doesn't want to do any because I want to work more and god knows how well I will concentrate on classes given how it's been going lately. Knowing ON, I will get like 12 hours a week anyway so I should prob just sign up for classes. They'd only be until end of june anyway I believe. I don't know if its worth it to pay for only 2 classes in the summer if I don't get financial aid, which I don't think I will. I guess its two less classes to be taken next year?

Have a good Thursday, everyone. Danielle and I are hanging out after Cristina and I go to Pita Pit. Hopefully we find something fun to do--I think we're gonna paint our nails and maybe peruse the mall.

Crazy

Sorry for the lack of posts. It's been a little crazy. Although those that read this already know this by now, last week at work I kind of passed out. I say kind of because I don't think I technically "passed out" as much as just got dizzy/lost balance, but whatever. I pretty much fell into my one manager's arms. I did feel shaky when I got there but I knew I had purged only an hour prior and that feeling is all too familiar to me. It.was.so.embarrassing. Thank God the store was not crowded so no one saw me on the floor leaning on Tracy. My store manager called the EMTs even though I swore it wasn't necessary. (although, let's be honest, anyone that knows me would attest to the fact I would say I am fine even if a bullet was in me) The EMTs just told me I had a low blood sugar and gave me some orange juice, which I already don't like, with some disgusting glucose powder in it. I immediately felt better, although tired, and wanted to keep working. I refused the hospital to get checked out and insisted my parents not know because they're already worried. My store manager informed me it was too late because she called my dad already. Anyway, my mom pretty much didn't talk to me for a day and my dad was okay. Both of my parents are still worried I think, which makes sense.

I didn't think this was such a big deal when it happened. It's not like I was like oh well, I just passed out, but I can't say its the first time. It did take me by surprise because I keep arguing things are going well just because school hasn't gone to shit this semester. When my doctor sent me this message back I was very surprised.

Ellen

Thank you for sharing this with me. I need you to stop restricting and stop binging/purging NOW. I know that is easier said than done, but I am serious.

I'm not entirely sure it was due to low blood sugar (which is bad enough). I'm also concerned it was due to dehydration. Low blood sugar makes you confused, but doesn't typically make people dizzy and lose consciousness.

You should probably come in to my office for IV fluids. If not today, tomorrow.

It sounds to me that you are having a hard time keeping yourself adequately hydrated and with adequate nutrition. Next time you may have to be admitted to the hospital.

Dr. S

I mean she was probably trying to scare me a little bit, but hospitalized? That frightened me. She is normally easygoing so that is not a typical response for her. She thought dehydration may be a contributing factor so I went in for IV fluids on Thursday. And of course, here's the million dollar question-- have my actions changed since? Well, the day of I ate a normal dinner at home. My dad took me to Sheetz and I got a huge salad and ate it all--lettuce, rice and beans, tortilla chips, croutons, ranch dressing, vegetables, cheese, the works. The next day I didn't exercise and allowed myself about 1300-1400 calories. I was gonna have a freakout. I was eating 2600 calories(of junk) at RCC and now 1300 made me panic. I guess that's a sign I've slid backwards. The next day I think I went back to my normal amount and then I think I binged and purged Sunday. Maybe Saturday,too? Yesterday and today I've gone back to my normal amount and today I probably went 200 calories over. I am not sure if I am going to allow it to be an overage or move it to tomorrow's calories. We'll see.

I am so behind in schoolwork and should be writing a paper that was due today. I have 3/4 of a page out of 5 page minimum. Blah. Such a boring topic. Individualism and different theorists opinions. Gag. I am taking a break to write this and then 16 and Pregnant and then maybe I'll write more. I am not sure how late this prof will accept it. One good thing about having an ED and the recent bomb threats in addition, profs are more understanding. To be quite honest, I did have a lot of health issues last week and have had a rough time focusing.

My parents have been making more comments and it drives me crazy. I haven't lost any more weight. I still hover between 10 and 15 lbs lower than I was Feb 1st. My dad said I am gonna get blown away by the wind and my friend said I looked like a ghost the other day. My other friend said I look good and most friends refuse to comment. Which one is it?

Tomorrow I have an orthodontist appointment at 11 to discuss jaw surgery further. We only met with 1 oral surgeon so far and haven't reached a final decision yet, so this meeting is kind of pointless. Then, I am meeting one of my managers for Mad Mex at 330. I really am excited about that but nervous,too. I have never eaten in front of her, or most people at work for that matter, and I am afraid she thinks it's weird to hang out with me or we won't have much to talk about. I worry t0o much. I don't want us to talk about work the whole time because I'd rather get to know HER. I hope it's fun. I hope I don't mention anything ED-related(unless she asks) because I tend to blab on to people I feel safe with and I know that it is heavy stuff and draining. She knows about the ED and I am not sure why it's so comforting to talk to her about it. Sweatpants+margarita+ their food+ her company tomorrow should just be great.

I better go and try to write more of this damn paper. Then TV then HOPEFULLY more hmwk. I have sooo much to do in the next 2 weeks and just like to pretend none of it exists. And in the past I HAVE actually not done things and set myself up for failure. I cannot do that this time!

Craziness

Well, the past few days have been more eventful than usual. The only people that read this I think know the story, but I don't have time to write now anyway. I will update later.

Off to Danielle's:)

I don't know how to get you out of this one

Those lyrics are from Heaven Forbid by the Fray. It's pretty much been on repeat for me lately and I feel like they are accurate lyrics for my current situation. I have a test tomorrow but am taking a break from studying to verbally purge. Where to start?

My session with Jennie was pretty much useless today, but that's not a huge surprise. First off, I was annoyed she cashed 8(!) checks at a time. I prepared myself for 7 of them, 140 dollars, to be deducted and my mom had to lend me a little money. I must have missed a check because she cashed 8 and my account overdrew. Jeez. I am gonna give that woman cash from now on. Anyway, today she was asking me questions I didn't know the answer to/haven't though about before. I expressed discontent with bingeing on weekends because it ruins my week. She said okay, if you can restrict successfully without bingeing, how would your life be different? I said I suppose Id be glad? And she said what would be the disadvantages? I said if i got to a dangerous weight, my health, and relationships with others being affected. I felt like she was trying to get me to see something, but wasn't doing it right. SHE didn't say anything. I felt like I had to have the "right" answers. It was super frustrating. Then, she asked what I wanted to work on.*eyeroll* I said no bingeing and purging but noted that there wasn't an easy solution. She said there is, but there's no magic solution. She said increasing my calories would cause less bingeing and I said by how much...100...200? She said c'mon, you're not an idiot. I was being serious and trying to compromise. As a therapist, I would say no, more like 5oo(for example) but if all you can do now is 100, that's fine. :( I felt stupid. Screw the calorie increase now.

I feel bad for worrying people. I think often I forget that my actions can affect other people and I think my ED is only affecting/possibly harming myself. It's always a wakeup call when a friend tells me they're worried. Especially Danielle because she normally is always on my side. So it tends to mean more. Sorry, D. I guess I always think nothing bad will happen to me, but in reality, my body is probably so tired. This summer, when I got lab results that basically said my body is eating muscle for nutrition, I should have gotten it through my head. My dr said then that she could tell from labs that it's taking a toll. Eek. I don't feel thinner and the scale keeps going down and up...so maybe i only lost 10 lbs. such a freaking mind game.:/

my dr asked my goal weight and I told her. She asked why and i said well, it's still heavier then my anorexic weight at 17 by 5 or 10 lbs and it's just on the border of underweight/normal. She said the loss of a period is more telling, so if that happens, I'm not healthy. Thats arguable though because many anorexics I know never lost theirs--I think the DSM V might have tossed that as criteria for AN.

I am stressed with end of school. I think I never really cared in previous semesters, but I have so much due in next 3 weeks. 2 papers for evil class, a report and partner review for other class, 2 journal entries, 2 finals, final paper I haven't started and 7 min presentation. AH.

I might take 2 1st 6 week summer sesh classes. I need some structure and credits..so it works as long as I am not crazy stressed. I also plan to work and hopefully volunteer at WPIC. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to in summer and it's always when I crash and burn, so trying to plan things now. Hopefully this will be 1st summer since 2008 that I haven't been in treatment. To be honest, even if I needed it, I cannot afford to pay off one RCC bill let alone 2, and insurance doesn't accept residential treatment, so I would be forced to do it on my own. Maybe thats what Ive needed. We'll see how it goes. In my mind, Im still much better than I was?

Jaw surgery is still a possibility. I am leaning toward yes but want to get 2nd doctor's opinion. have to also make sure insurance will cover a 2nd procedure and that a second round of braces is financially doable. All these things to ponder! I wish I could get it done this summer. I know I am probably not in amazing health, so maybe not, I just don't want to be heavy when I get it done. Why that matters? IDK.

I told Jennie today I don't necessarily NEED to lose more weight--but I am still restricting more out of fear that I'll gain back what I lost. I don't love my body, that's quite clear, but I feel better about how my clothes fit (or don't fit) now. They're loose and I love it.

I need to go study. Ill probably eat a luna bar even though I just had a granola bar. Emotional hunger? Real hunger? Thirst? No clue.

I don't know how to get (myself) out of this one. I think Im doing great some days and others I know I am falling apart.

Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Binge

I have to do homework, so no time to blog, but remember how I said I was considering a cheat day this weekend. Bad idea. It ALWAYS leads to bingeing. Yesterday I wasn't planning it but I didn't have time to go to the gym and would have been 500 over for the day. Yes, that would have made more sense than to binge. However, I got hungry and just wanted to eat at the end of the day and picked myself up a sub and fries and some candy that I ate. Then finished a box of granola bars(5) and had a few luna bars. Ick, I went to bed feeling disgusting and wanting to purge but my family was home. Ick. today i got back to the gym,though, and ate my normal amount. I hope I didn't gain from that. I feel distant even from Laura. I don't know if Laura's getting sick of me, I feel a perceived difference that isn't true, or just my perception but my ED is causing it. I really hope our friendship is not at risk. I feel alone. I know none of my friends can "fix" me and I imagine it's taxing to see a friend go in and out of rehab, but I still want to know they're there for me and not going anywhere. Takes a special kind of friend I guess.

11 more pounds to go. I do not trust my scale as its always going up and down, so I need to get weighed at a professionals office for the real thing. However, this means I have lost weight gradually and 14 pounds since feb 1st. You cannot tell and I still feel fairly fat. I look in the mirror and still see my wide hips and full thighs. It's like if I can't see bone when I bend down, I'm mad. Messed up head. Lately I have been horrible about eating a right amount. I wanted a Luna bar before bed so I had to subtract it from monday's(!) allotted calories. Jeez, Ellen, control yourself. I'm considering making Sunday a cheat day--not a binge, but allow myself whatever I want which probably totals 1500-2000 calories or more. I don't count those days because there's no point. I haven't decided if I'm doing this yet because often it leads to bingeing and purging.

Gonna go to bed.

Calm after the storm

I've calmed down a bit since Monday thankfully. Sunday and Monday everything from the past few months that built up just kind of exploded. I was very short with people and dissociative on Sunday and would hardly talk to my friend when we went to Sheetz. I felt so overwhelmed and didn't know where to start--I had some things to say to her and I also just could not speak to my state in general. I just completely shut down when I get like that. Monday I had a therapy appointment that was pretty much useless. It consisted of me wanting to talk about friend problems and Jennie telling me that it wasn't relevant because if I am not feeding myself properly, she doesn't expect me to have good relationships. I swear I wasn't trying to sidetrack her. I then got really anxious and we spent the majority of the session calming me down. It was dumb. My doctor's appointment was better, not surprisingly. She said I looked tired and dehydrated and was reminding her of me over the summer. I was also super anxious so she prescribed Buspar. I have been on that in the past, but pretty sure I took myself off it before I ever saw if it helped, which is so so typical for me. I am more open to meds than ever because they can't hurt at this point.

Tuesday I got to take a short run after classes and relax and then hung with Danielle. That was good. I was depressed,however, because the lecture portion of my favorite class is over. Maybe I am a nerd, but that is the most I have enjoyed a class at Pitt. He was a wonderful lecturer and kept my interest for the most part. I wish he taught more classes. It also semi sparked my interest in addictions counseling. I don't necessarily think I would want to do a whole addictions concentration, but maybe go for CAC certification at some point? Who knows. I need to focus on undergrad first and raising my GPA to a 3.0 at least.

Wednesday consisted of going to Trader Joe's, which I had been to before, and Whole foods, which I had never been to. IN LOVE. Whole foods is rather expensive, but both of these places made me want everything and made me feel good about picking out food. Normally, at least in the past few months, I have not really picked out groceries. I have just been buying Luna bars and granola bars as a staple and then usually eat a meal with my parents out or at home. I bought oatmeal, a new kind of granola bar, dark chocolate pistachio toffee, this cookie sandwich that I haven't eaten yet, and of course, luna bars. I bought more of a variety of things and feel semi-okay eating these new things. Feeling good about what I eat is a must. Then, I got dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a bit. She has been depressed so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and was trying to be understanding with her lack of communication. If anyone has been depressed, it's me, but it was difficult and hurtful to feel like she was shutting me out because I don't necessarily do that when struggling, but people deal with things differently. I take so many situational factors personally, if that makes sense.

Today, I am meeting Stacey shortly for lunch at Market. I haven't eaten there in so so long. I am craving a salad with tofu and veggies and (hopefully light) ranch dressing. It makes me nervous, however, because I can't know the calories and I need to leave enough room for dinner later. Plus, I am starving now and need to have energy for a workout later. Oh, mind, you are complicated.

Tomorrow and Saturday I work 6-10PM and have no plans. I really hope at least one of those nights I can at least see someone for an hour. It's harder to focus on schoolwork when I feel like a loser and come home after work. Laura offered to go to SouthSide with her and meet, but 1) her BF will be there 2) I don't want to drive/park alone and 3) I feel like it was a pity offer. So....probably not.

Blah. I need more close friends. I feel so...lonely. I guess I could feel that anywhere,though. Even in a room full of people.

Okay, I am skipping my useless class so I better go ACTUALLY be productive. I felt the need to purge [verbally] for a little.

Happy Thursday! I used to love them...until I started working both weekend nights!

I can't get off this ride:(

I am falling apart (kind of) emotionally and physically and about to academically if nothing changes. My mom's super worried and I just cried and said I feel like a loser, but behaviorally I am okay. I've been moody and short and holding everything inside. I am about to explode. Thank God I have 2 appointments tomorrow. The scale went up and I want to binge/purge tomorrow to get out my frustration. That will make the weight worse,though. I feel so alone and empty and worthless. It's so frustrating that I AM THE ONLY ONE who can release me from this hell of a disorder, but I just can't be the one. I need to lose weight...I NEED CONTROL.

DJJ&3947567@%%%&&&WFUCK.

:(

I am going to bed.

Life sucks.

Fail.

I really suck. C'mon, Ellen. Bingeing and purging is foul and does not cause you to lose weight, or even rid yourself of all the calories you consume as absorption begins in the mouth. Bahhh. So, yeah. Not in the best mood. It started last night when I had a drink, 1 1/2 shots, a few sips of someone else's drink and I think that's it? I woke up feeling a little dehydrated and foggy and my mom had brought me pancakes from breakfast with my dad. They were ginormous and I watched my mom slather butter on them. And bananas and walnuts. Delish. I felt guilty for eating the whole thing,though, and as soon as my parents went out for a little I hit the closet for a little bingeing and purging.

After purging I felt unusually tired and my heart was racing. This wasn't out of the ordinary but then I broke out in cold sweats and felt extremely weak. I felt like I was going to pass out so I laid on my bed for a bit. My hands were trembling and I my heart continued to palpitate. I was a tiny bit concerned. Again, these things have happened before but I don't usually feel that spent. I decided to forego the gym and went downstairs and shoved down pretzels and a luna bar and powerade to keep me nourished. I feel much better after eating a rather large meal. I'll probably end up eating a lot later because it's a 'fuck it' day now. I hope I can get back on track tomorrow. Although I feel better physically now, mentally I am upset and depressed.

Also, I keep seeing these little bugs in our house and I am gonna freaking flip out. I can't point them out to my parents unless I see a lot because they'll think I search for bugs all day. They don't get my phobia even when I have told them what it's related to. They think I am crazy.:( I think I am gonna talk about exposure therapy Monday with Jennie. I always feel like I have too much to say in therapy and I don't know whats most important. Right now I could talk about bugs, jaw surgery, school, summer, health, etc. Hmm. We'll see. Gonna relax for 20 min before I leave for work. I know I still didn't explain about oral surgeon appt the other day but I will! Right now I just wanted to vent.

I don't have any plans later so I will probably do homework/eat/watch tv/sleep like a winner.

P.S. I caved and got Facebook back. Only made it 12 days...weak. I have already deactivated it and reactivated twice today--I need to make up my freaking mind.

Just a few random thoughts

I am going to meet a friend for coffee soon, so I don't have time for a full post. I just wanted to say a few things.

1) The appointment with the oral surgeon went well yesterday, but I will elaborate later. I did find myself overwhelmed by the end,though.

2) I feel like I ate way too much today, even though it was mainly calories from yesterday. Why can I not just stick to an amount and eat it? I always go over somehow and then end up having to put those calories in for the next day and then end up just eating a little. Today I had a Luna bar, vitamins(gummy!), vanilla latte, Veggie burger, a few of my mom's fries, and McDonald's soft serve( my weakness). And worked out for about an hour at the gym on the elliptical. The rest of my allotted food was from yesterday.

3) I am overwhelming myself thinking about signing up for fall semester/summer classes if I decide to take them despite no financial aid, and trying to factor in how jaw surgery would affect things.

I'll write more later or tomorrow.

I'm loving this weather and actually sad next week will not be in the 80s. That's crazy as we've had such mild weather and I should be happy with anything above 50. Spoiled me.

1st day of Spring

YAY for the first day of Spring and absolutely gorgeous weather to go along with it. I have an hour until class and should absolutely be doing work;however, I find it necessary to vent. I've had a productive morning thus far...not. I only got 6 hours of sleep last night and I was super tired this morning, so I drove to Pitt on time but slept in my car for my first 2 classes. Stupid. The 2nd class is pointless but I need to know material for 1st class. I'm real bad at delaying gratification. Then, I met with my friend from 2nd class for coffee. I asked her to go and she seemed a little ill-at-ease when we weren't talking about class stuff, but at least I made an effort. I feel like a weird and undesirable friend. I also tried to say hi to a classmate at Victoria's Secret yesterday and she was so rude. I knew she looked familiar so I asked if we were in class together--she just scoffed and was like, "I don't know.Do you go to Pitt?" It was like pulling teeth trying to get answers out of her. Gosh, I was trying to be nice. Don't flatter yourself,woman.

The end of the weekend was a super fail. Remember I said Sunday was my cheat day sometimes? Well I ate too much but didn't binge. I had banana walnut pancakes, baked chips, a big taco salad thing at sheetz, and then I believe a few granola bars and 2 tootsie pops. Not really a binge but way more than I usually consume,especially with no exercise. Yesterday, I felt to guilty when I woke up and my mom was conveniently gone, so I binged/purged twice as a way to punish myself. Then I ate a huge lunch (e.g. a complete burrito bowl at Qdoba) and a clif bar for dinner PLUS caramel popcorn with my mom and then some luna bars. Complete ruin. I probably gained a few. Today, I am back in my school routine (minus going to classes thus far today) thankfully and have just had a Luna bar, frozen strawberries, and a Skinny vanilla latte today. Don't ruin it,Ellen. I'll probably get free Rita's later,too.

I really don't want to tutor after school today. I love Rebecca, I love volunteering, and it's only an hour-ish, so what's wrong with me? I guess I am just dying to go home and take a short run( 2 miles)...I may still go anyway after and delay my plans with Danielle for a bit. It only takes me like 30 min to walk/jog a little over 2 miles.I know that's slow...

My appointment with Jennie yesterday was interesting. I was telling her about the possibility of jaw surgery and mentioned that my mom won't let me go through with it if I am not healthy. She was asking what my mom meant by healthy and I told her about the comments on my weight. When Jennie asked if I had lost weight or if my mom had any reason to think so, I said, in the shadiest way possible, "no!" She commented on the fact that there was a huge change in my affect, but I held onto the lie. (Did I mention I am THE worst liar?) Eventually she asked what I weighed and was gonna pressure me to get on the scale if not, so I told her. I told her it's not that bad--it's like the summer in that there's a little restricting and bingeing/purging once a week roughly. I hope to eliminate the bingeing and purging and/or the cheat days. I thought the cheat day would actually satisfy me and curb any bingeing desires, but it may be making it worse because the guilt causes me to binge. I don't know...we'll see. My mom asked what my dr thought about my weight but I don't get weighed there unless she requests it, thank god. Because if I am not weighing myself at home and seeing a downward trend, even if slowly, I HATE getting weighed because the number disgusts me. So, now I feel exposed that she knows my weight and didn't seem like she thought things were fine. She definitely makes me tell things like they are.

Example typical conversation:

J: So, you're restricting?

E: Well, yes...no...kind of...depends on what you're definition of restricting is

J: Less than a healthy amount for you.so maybe less than 1600-1800?

E:Yes.

J: Severely restricting?

E: No...well...

J: Less than 1300-1500 calories?

E:Yep

J:Less than 1000?

E:Well, it depends on what you consider less than 1000

J:*very confused look*

E: I mean when I exercise I can eat more than 1000, but not when I don't

See how difficult I am? Wow. It's like pulling teeth. Man, I don't know if I have enough patience to be a therapist...

Blah.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a different oral surgeon so we can get another opinion and see someone before mid-May. I'll be anxious to see what my doctor thinks about jaw surgery. I don't see the big deal because I won't need my mouth wired shut AND it wouldn't be til december. Even if I get down to a lower weight this summer, I am sure I won't maintain it until then, which seems really sad.

Plus, as Laura informed me, even if I DO lose weight from the surgery, I will gain it back and need to be okay with that. That comment still infuriates me.

Gosh, I need to get off here and do something productive, although class is soon.

I miss Facebook! Thank God I'm not on now or I guarantee my status update would be something like I feel fat or I don't see what others see or exercise:my anti-drug.

Haha.

Good and Bad

Good= I lost two pounds this week, the weather has been beautiful, I spent time with friends this weekend

Bad=When telling my friend about jaw surgery and how I have to be in good health because my parents won't let me if I am not healthy(although I admit, a tiny part of me wants to do it because it's hard to eat afterwards), and she said you'll gain that weight back as soon as you eat normally and you'll be upset. Hey, thanks. I know she just cares about me, but in my head I was thinking "wanna bet?". Blah.

My friend made a good point the other day.I was venting saying how I hate when people comment on being worried about my weight, and she said what do you want people to say? Apparently (and she's 100 percent right) when people tell me I am just thin, I think I am not, when people say I look healthy(never tell me that!), I interpret it is fat, and when people say I am too thin, I get mad. Jeez, I guess there's no way to win. I also get mad when people jump on the "I was worried, but didn't say anything" bandwagon AFTER the fact. After I gained a ton of weight after restricting at 17,many people said they were worried but didn't know how to tell. That infuriated me, as if they could have stopped me from spiraling into the depths of an eating disorder.

I have therapy tomorrow, which should be interesting. Someone in treatment one time didn't connect with her therapist and called her sessions 'staring contests'. I often feel like that because sometimes Jennie won't say anything and waits for me to talk. So.awkward. I'll tell her about jaw surgery and get her opinion--that should take a good 20 minutes at least. SHe still hasn't cashed 5 checks. Drives me nuts as a poor college student not to know when 100 dollars could be deducted.

I better go do homework. I was just wanting to vent for A) the comment about gaining any weight I would lose from jaw surgery and B) I didn't have time to exercise today and ate banana walnut pancakes my mom made me for breakfast...so I decided to make this my cheat day. It makes me want to eat a few granola bars or something before I go back into my routine tomorrow. I might. As much as I want to continue my weight loss because I only have 13 lbs to my goal weight, I maybe should try to eat a little more. 13 lbs could take a while which is frustrating, but it can't be too fast or my parents will really notice. Also, both of my sisters are visiting in May and I don't want them to worry my parents even more if they comment. As long as I am still healthy, I don't understand what's wrong.

I am sure my blog is getting really boring to read just talking about food and weight. Since there's no Facebook for me now I have felt extra ready to 'purge' on here lately.

Night.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I am wearing green today even though I don't really want to support the holiday where people just get obliterated and act foolishly. I am not claiming I don't enjoy drinking sometimes, but I don't particularly like holidays that are used as an excuse to drink. My friend wants me to go out tonight, but I just am not in the mood for that scene. I love her and want to see her, but just think it's a bad idea for multiple reasons. I think I am going to get coffee with Kristen after work instead.

Last night I saw 21 Jump Street with Olivia after work. It was unnecessarily violent and gross at the end, but overall I really thought it was entertaining. Channing Tatum is so cute[and married]. Afterwards, we went to get a drink and a guy approached us while we were having a serious conversation. We did let him and his friend buy as another round and we stayed and talked until 2. They seemed nice enough but I really don't fully trust any guy, especially when alcohol is involved. I gave the guy my number even though he's 25, went to Slippery Rock for hotel management, his teeth weren't straight, and I wasn't too physically attracted to him. Oh my gosh--I just sounded like the most shallow, judgmental person ever. *Drops head in shame* I am so self-conscious that I cannot explain why I have (unrealistically?) high standards.:/ I only ever gave my number once and it was a Mad Mex waiter, so I figured why not? I am sure I will regret it.

Today has been uneventful thus far. I got up, my mom made me delicious oatmeal with strawberries,walnuts, and brown sugar, I read a few pages for Social Research Methods, and now I am sitting around. I will probably get something to eat with my mom before work even though I don't want to. She said we could get froyo or a snack, but I don't think that's happening. I really want to prove to my parents I am fine,though, so I can't contest eating dinner. I do want to go to gym before work but I know I won't have time to adjust my meal plan for today. I get anxious when it's something that doesn't have a count on it, such as my mom's oatmeal. My parents haven't commented on my weight in 2 days thankfully. I actually googled yesterday 'how to look heavier in clothes' just to keep them from worrying, but I didn't find good answers. Someone said baggier clothes, but I think that wouldn't look good either.I really am fine. I am at a healthy weight and still getting my period and what not. I am not sure why I make it sound like I am doing badly. People's comments I guess are what make me question myself. Seriously,though. 10 pounds. It's no cause for concern. But I also love the friends who have commented, as much as it makes me mad, because that shows me they truly care. I am not saying those that haven't said anything don't care, because I KNOW it's such a sticky situation because comments can be fuel to the fire, but I appreciate honesty always.

Oh, yeah. I might be getting jaw surgery again. I saw my orthodontist yesterday and he confirmed that the jaw surgery that took place 7(!) years ago didn't work. Why the heck did no one mention this until recently? My orthodontist is a wonderful guy and it's not his fault. The oral surgeon who did it was ready to retire and I was one of his last surgeries. I think it was a combination of me being anorexic, needing a blood transfusion during surgery, and him being on his last leg that caused the problems...I am not sure. It was bad timing all around because I was in the middle of my restricting phase and then had my mouth wired shut(which they don't do anymore!) and lost more weight. Then, when the wires got cut off, I went crazy and first binged. I binged on 40 lbs very rapidly. Yes, some of that weight was healthy and necessary but not all of it, and certainly not the method of gaining. Anyway, my mouth is still numb in areas and now to boot to find out that I was the only one of my orthodontist's patients who has never had a successful jaw surgery. It would have been enough to lose feeling and to have it exacerbate the eating disorder, but the fact that my bite is still so off just makes it that much worse. However, I am considering doing it again while I still have insurance. At least I have a responsible, caring PCP now because my doctor at the time never acknowledged I had an E.D., which I loved at the time, but in hindsight makes me feel that was wrong. My mom expressed her concern that I lost my period for a long time, and she sent me to gynecologist, where I got put on birth control. Geniuses. So, I will definitely trust in my doctor to determine whether or not I am medically stable enough to proceed if and when we get to that point.

Advantages: Corrected bite, I know what to expect,am older now and will ask questions, no mouth wired shut, I am still in school instead of being at a job, possible weight loss

Disadvantages: braces again after having them 4 times,expense of braces, possible side effects, although I don't think I could lose more feeling

We couldn't get the appointment with the guy at Children's until mid-May, which is frustrating. I think I will probably go through with it, but it's frustrating I have to have the braces 6 months beforehand and probably won't get the surgery until Christmas break. I guess that's a good recovery time. This summer would have been way more ideal, but I would have had to started this process in December or something. Food for thought.

Okay, I really better go and finish the chapter before my mom wants to eat. Please let it be McDonald's(weird, I know) so I can get 2 foods I am very comfortable with. Southwest salad and dressing( only 240 total) and Mcdonald's soft serve, which is way healthier than people think it is because it's 'ice cream' and automatically assumed to be unhealthy. Low-fat and creamy? Cha-ching.

Enjoy this gorgeous and sunny day! I am wearing shorts and it is March...double cha-ching.

:)

Clearly I need to vent today

PS, I hate the scale. And numbers. And comments from parents.

A) The scale went up a pound...probably from my bingeing over the weekend. This brings my weight loss only to 9 lbs so why the heck are my parents all over me lately? My mom said my arms are too thin today, so I proceeded to put on a sweater. 9 lbs is not a large amount. If they're worried, say so, but don't comment on my weight because it makes me feel like they're just lying and don't know how else to express their concern

B) I know I need to be not so focused on food/weight/sizes, but welcome to my life for the past 7 years. It's weird that I think about food SO much. Like, even when I am restricting, I just want to eat just to eat sometimes...not because I am actually that hungry. If my parents ever try to compare me now to me when I WAS anorexic, there are so many arguments that prove it's just not true. Plus, my doctor and therapist think I am doing pretty well. I hate these conflicting opinions--can't we all agree that I am either a mess or fine or somewhere in the middle? I would vote for in the middle, I suppose.

If anyone actually reads this, you're finding out just how crazy my mind is. Thank you for not giving up on me thus far.

16

I'm being a post whore today. Remember how I said I was stuck as a 16-year old. This is what I looked like then and pre-anorexia and what I'd like to go back to. Yes, I realize I am much older now, but so what? Blah, I am not sure why it posted like that...but oh well. And me a few weeks ago at the top. It's not a body shot so you can't really compare, but trust me, I am not that skinny.

Shelby Starner

I love this song and listen to it all the time. I am not sure how I found it, but it's pretty old. A couple years ago I remember somehow stumbling across it and realizing she died young from bulimia and was supposed to attend Pitt that fall.:( Sad. I believe she died in 2003.

http://music.com/video/shelby-starner/dont-let-them/A10302B0000064991V

Facebook updates I would say today if I had a Facebook

- Feels like everyone is skinner than I am on campus

-Doesn't trust comments on my appearance

-Loves this weather

-Social theory puts me to sleep, but my friend drawing comics about our teacher=priceless

I wouldn't have posted those all, but still, I miss Facebook and want to get them out somewhere. I've thought about telling my mom my Facebook status updates daily.;) Except, obviously the first 2 would have been excluded

Lovely weather

Warm weather makes me SO happy. I got to enjoy it today by running errands with my mom and taking a 2 mile jog after my doctor's appointment.:) Sunny and warm weather puts me into a much better mood.

The doctor's appointment went okay. She didn't think anything on my legs would be bites, and she didn't know what was on my hand. It kind of comforted me but not really. Then she told me she didn't think I have been doing a bad job of being honest with her, contrary to what I said. I get such mixed reviews. She thinks I am doing well as I imagine my therapist does, (well, she said it's a continuum) and I AM doing okay, but my parents give me different reactions. I think my current weight loss still is around 10 pounds in 7 weeks..12 at the most probably. (That's horrible so obviously if I were in a REAL bad place I would have lost much more than that) However, my dad said, with a worried expression, that I look awful thin today. Maybe it's just how I carry weight because I am still at a relatively high end of normal in terms of BMI. Blah. My doctor said I am in control to an extent of how this semester/summer goes in terms of ED stuff. That's hard...it's true but it would be so much easier if I didn't have these debilitating thoughts about weight loss. Sure, I never HAVE to act on these thoughts, but weight loss can a lot of times *seem* like a very high priority. If she had these thoughts, she may understand. Sometimes I think I may never get better. I can want to be happy so badly, be graduated, have a boyfriend, be successful, go to grad school, have better relationships, etc., but it is never enough to allow me to stop. The eating disorder, in the end, always wins out. I can say until I am blue in the face that I want to get better. For me, I know I am going to eventually have to ditch the idea of losing weight in order to get better. I always always try to recover and lose weight at the same time and it will never ever work I don't think.:(

I have homework to do but am meeting someone for coffee shortly. I am probably kind of bad at prioritizing things, but honestly, I figured I wouldn't have weekend plans because I work 530-930 Fri and Sat nights, so I may as well be somewhat social now.

I am a little upset because I ate two solid meals today and for dinner, We didn't go somewhere where they have calorie counts, so I have to estimate. Chances are it will spill into tomorrow and I'll have to deduct them from my total. I wish someone could educate me on whether to count net calories or calories before exercise as my total for the day because usually there would be a big difference. For example, if net calories are the ones you care about and I ate 1200 and exercised off 400, fine. If I ate 1200 and exercised yet 1200 is still the number to count, that's a bit problematic. I don't know. Why am I such a failure? I want to get better but I want to have the body I did at 16. I am only a few pounds off in weight (pre-anorexia) but I look nothing the same, so it's upsetting. I feel like I have this fear of getting older and being an adult. Also, I think in some ways have been stuck at 16 when my eating disorder started and never matured past there emotionally. I don't know. I have heard in some addiction theories that the alcoholic often gets stuck in the place they were before the addiction began. For example, my friend's dad was an alcoholic since 13 or 14 and she said her dad has the emotional capacity as such. Who knows...I should research that more.

Gotta go. Maybe I'll write more later. If not, then tomorrow.

Enjoy the sunny, warm weather. I know I am!:)