The doctor's appointment went okay. She didn't think anything on my legs would be bites, and she didn't know what was on my hand. It kind of comforted me but not really. Then she told me she didn't think I have been doing a bad job of being honest with her, contrary to what I said. I get such mixed reviews. She thinks I am doing well as I imagine my therapist does, (well, she said it's a continuum) and I AM doing okay, but my parents give me different reactions. I think my current weight loss still is around 10 pounds in 7 weeks..12 at the most probably. (That's horrible so obviously if I were in a REAL bad place I would have lost much more than that) However, my dad said, with a worried expression, that I look awful thin today. Maybe it's just how I carry weight because I am still at a relatively high end of normal in terms of BMI. Blah. My doctor said I am in control to an extent of how this semester/summer goes in terms of ED stuff. That's hard...it's true but it would be so much easier if I didn't have these debilitating thoughts about weight loss. Sure, I never HAVE to act on these thoughts, but weight loss can a lot of times *seem* like a very high priority. If she had these thoughts, she may understand. Sometimes I think I may never get better. I can want to be happy so badly, be graduated, have a boyfriend, be successful, go to grad school, have better relationships, etc., but it is never enough to allow me to stop. The eating disorder, in the end, always wins out. I can say until I am blue in the face that I want to get better. For me, I know I am going to eventually have to ditch the idea of losing weight in order to get better. I always always try to recover and lose weight at the same time and it will never ever work I don't think.:(
I have homework to do but am meeting someone for coffee shortly. I am probably kind of bad at prioritizing things, but honestly, I figured I wouldn't have weekend plans because I work 530-930 Fri and Sat nights, so I may as well be somewhat social now.
I am a little upset because I ate two solid meals today and for dinner, We didn't go somewhere where they have calorie counts, so I have to estimate. Chances are it will spill into tomorrow and I'll have to deduct them from my total. I wish someone could educate me on whether to count net calories or calories before exercise as my total for the day because usually there would be a big difference. For example, if net calories are the ones you care about and I ate 1200 and exercised off 400, fine. If I ate 1200 and exercised yet 1200 is still the number to count, that's a bit problematic. I don't know. Why am I such a failure? I want to get better but I want to have the body I did at 16. I am only a few pounds off in weight (pre-anorexia) but I look nothing the same, so it's upsetting. I feel like I have this fear of getting older and being an adult. Also, I think in some ways have been stuck at 16 when my eating disorder started and never matured past there emotionally. I don't know. I have heard in some addiction theories that the alcoholic often gets stuck in the place they were before the addiction began. For example, my friend's dad was an alcoholic since 13 or 14 and she said her dad has the emotional capacity as such. Who knows...I should research that more.
Gotta go. Maybe I'll write more later. If not, then tomorrow.
Enjoy the sunny, warm weather. I know I am!:)
No comments:
Post a Comment