Ah

horrible week.

let’s see, I made my mom cry, got my surgeon to hate me and bitch me out because I purged, found out the one person that could write me a good rec letter for grad school is retiring and won’t write me one, had my therapist cancel on me while I was driving there, and felt suicidal all in one week.

I don’t want to go to classes, lead a group, apply to grad school, get better from my ED, deal with this fucking jaw surgery, and do work study.

I want to hide and cry. Or sleep forever.

Why am I 24 and so maladaptive?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long...not that anyone reads this. Things have been...all over the place. The semester was off to a good start albeit busy, but things have really declined. In the past month or so, bingeing and purging has been out of control, my grades slipped a little, I ruined rapport with my work study supervisor, started interning less and skipping classes more, and just overall have been down. Why do I always seem to spiral downward? Last semester I lost weight and restricted more and this semester I b/ped more. I def will not be making the dean's list this semester:( Oh man. Maybe I am just not an "A" student. I can't even think about grad school right now.

My sister and boyfriend are visiting from NY for the holiday. I am thankful for Betsy and feel we have definitely gotten closer over the years. We don't talk frequently but when she's home, I feel we have genuine conversations now. I like her boyfriend but naturally, I prefer when she visits alone. I am also jealous that she has a nice guy and seems to be really happy with him.  She's not that much older than me and I am so far from independent like she is. :/ My therapist said the other day she saw a couple in their 60s at EatNPark the other day with their adult daughter in her thirties and she was "bitching' about life the whole time. My therapist said she and her husband kind of felt bad for her in a pathetic way and she said I cannot be living with my parents at 30. That idea really scared me and woke me up to the fact I HAVE to work on my issues. I get sad by how much time has passed with this damn ED and how quickly my life has gone....I still feel 16 and kind of wish I was sometimes.:(

My therapist (Beth) told me the other day she's worried about me. She emailed saying if I think things are escalating then we better start thinking about inpatient places and I said absolutely NOT. Not only can I not afford to take time off school, my parents would KILL me and i can't afford it. Also, I'd rather be thin going into treatment. That's beside the point,though. When she said she was worried, I basically took that to mean she was giving up on me. Sometimes I think she can oversimplify things and not understand how hard this battle is. I also can't stand when she said I am "basically" her size. Hello, she is 5'8"ish and 128 lbs....umm...let's just say I am a few in shorter and right now heavier than that! Overall, I love her,though.

Blah. I have been so antsy today and I am not sure why. I ate a bagel and pumpkin cream cheese, ran 2 miles, ate fruit and a yogurt with walnuts and flaxseed and then felt like walking again but didn't want my parents to say anything. Its a GORGEOUS day and unseasonably warm. I feel lonely and empty though as usual. I am waiting for my parents to be ready to go to my aunt and uncle's house. Betsy and Bobby and Brendan already left--I miss my other sister because I feel like we're more alike and I have her to hang out with. I feel excluded around the others frequently. Maybe it's just my perception. I hope we don't stay long. Id rather come home, watch a movie, and fall asleep. I am not looking fwd to working 9 hrs for Black Friday tomorrow and 8 hours Sat at Old Navy. Blah. At least it'll be a decent paycheck before my jaw surgery.

I am excited for jaw surgery to have time off and the chance to not b/p, but I'm sure it'll be much more miserable than I remember. I know it was miserable but this time my mouth will not be wired. Also, he said I will stay in hospital about 5 days. If I get a kid roommate I am gonna flip out. I hope they give me a private room at CHildrens or they drug me up a lot. haha. The surgeon said I will be on clear liquids first, then any liquids, then switch to solids after about 1.5-2 weeks. He said expect to lose 5-10 lbs but gain it back. First off, I was hoping I'd lose more like 15-20 and second of all, I DO NOT want to gain it back. My luck I'll gain weight. Whatever.

GOSH, I want to get better so badly yet I still feel so sick.

Later.

I'm thankful for:
-family
-friends
-my body's resilience
- a safe home
- sunshine:)
-luna bars/clif bars/vegan and vegetarian food that make me happy
- my kitty
-OBX
- scarves
-education
-my laptop
-music

verbal purge

I am discouraged about school and grad school. I get frustrated that it feels like everyone has a boyfriend and I can't find anyone that isn't gay/an asshole/ just wanting to hook up. I hate being emotional. I want to exercise daily. I get frustrated not knowing what I'll be doing next year. I want to move out but not sure when that situation will ever arise--it needs to be the right people/situation. I want to be healthy and not want to lose weight, but I want to be sickeningly thin some days. I want to be closer to my siblings. I want closer friends. I miss treatment some days because life was so much "safer". It feels right to eat there and okay to gain weight. Well, not okay but more okay. This is like a verbal purge. Not making any sense...just trying to get it out.

ejm50.tumblr.com

check it out.

still don't get it really

B: Oatmeal with soy milk, canned peaches, and walnuts
S:banana
L: Salad with honey mustard, tofu, cucumbers, and a few croutons
about (15?) honey wheat pretzels

As for the rest of the day, I will probably have a granola bar before class at 6 and may buy myself something to eat before or after class.

I hope I can just keep this food in today and not want to restrict tomorrow or b/p tonight. Do I actually have the potential to eat normally? Whoa.

I was SO excited to eat my tofu salad. I am such a dork. I was sitting in class (an extremely boring one at that) on Facebook and pinterest and i couldn't wait to just be done and go indulge.

:) mmm I keep googling vegan recipes and so badly want to try veganism again, but I love things that rent vegan like...honey mustard...and gummy candy...and sadly, cheese.

I think I will just eat a lot of vegan/healthy foods but not "be" vegan, which is so hard for me to only be half of something. I am SO black-and-white about everything.

I LOVE:
tofu
almond butter
veggie burgers
luna/clif/lara bars
oatmeal
nuts
baked goods
etc.
I want to try to experience cooking tempeh, quinoa, and many vegan recoups.

Now if only I had time to bake/cook....

all over the place

Binge/purge.

Restrict.

Eat normally. :)

Eat normally.

Binge/purge.

Restrict.

Eat normally.:) I can do this.

Binge.

Restrict.

This is my life.


:( WTF do I want?

Thinness or an offing life?!

Better decide.

I am "happy" when I restrict, I am miserable when I b/p, and when I eat normally, I am happy for like a day and then am sooo miserable.

Everything leads to unhappiness.

First day of school

So, this is the first day of my last fall semester. (I hope) So far, I just had one class and it was literally just reading the syllabus. If i were still in the dorms or lived in Oakland, this wouldn't be annoying; however, I commute and now I am bored until my next class and have 4.5 hours to kill. I texted two people to try to plan coffee or lunch, but we will see. It's not like I even have homework to do yet.

I SHOULD try so hard to start this semester off right and follow a meal plan, however hard that may be. I still want to be in restriction mode even though I know how much I have to lose (no pun intended) this semester. I have a lot going on and can't screw it up. I am having jaw surgery in December and my doctor will absolutely not let me have it if my BMI falls below 20. Yet, like clockwork, I am calculating my calories today and had oatmeal (~400?) and have raspberries and a banana to hold me over today and MAYBE eat later, although the quantity depends on if I go to the gym or not. That's not dangerously a low amount of calories...I just hope I have the willpower to sustain it. But....that's not a good idea. I want to be strong this semester and not merely just get by. AHHHH, conflicting thoughts. Damn you, eating disorder. I basically want two different lives. I like being restrictive and feeling like I get thinner and clothes get loose and I see the number fall. I like feeling in control. I like being described as skinny. I even like when people tell me I look "too thin". YET, I also like the feeling of making dean's list, I like feeling like I will get into a master's or doctoral(psh) program, I like feeling smart, and like making my parents proud. These two worlds just cannot coexist--except I feel like I am always trying to make that happen in some shape or form.

I hope I didn't put too much on my plate this semester. I am already finding myself struggling to make a tentative schedule for all the things i want to do. It's all good stuff and God knows I love to be busy. I just don't want to be stressed and A) give up or B) stop eating and end up in the hospital from stress/electrolyte imbalance/dehydration/etc.
-internship for credit with Catholic Charities about 10 hours a week (I need 120 by end of semester)
- 4 classes
- Old Navy probably Saturdays/Sundays and maybe an occasional weeknight
- Project HEAL Pittsburgh Chapter meetings 2X a month (run by me) and fundraisers
- and I want to try work study
-and occasionally volunteer at women's shelter
^Eek. I hope I can do it. If I drop anything, I guess it will be the work study

I feel so OLD. I hate hearing everyone talk about their summers or what dorm they are in this year. I find myself resentful and bitter and the painful memories always float through my head. (frat party, taking many semesters off, bingeing and purging in my dorm room, depression, feeling isolated by "friends", skipping classes, running during when I was supposed to be in class, overdosing on sleeping pills, etc.) Oh joy. I feel like a fucking failure. 24 and still in undergrad. I have to breathe and remember my degree (and my health and well-being) is the most important thing and screw anyone else. I am here for me. I think a small part of myself is proud I AM here and didn't give up along the way. It was never an option for me to not get my degree.

Anyway, I am liking my new therapist. Sometimes I am afraid she is judging me, but I think that's just my unhealthy mind. She said something the other day that I vehemently disagreed with at first. She said since I put a lot of effort into my appearance and pride into the outfits I plan, I can't feel as disgusting as I say I do. She said there's a disconnect between feeling so disgusting and putting effort into my appearance because most people, according to her, that feel that way just wear sweatpants. SHe asked if I was "proud" of being thin. My eyes almost popped out of my head because someone calling me thin just seemed to be absurd. At first, I got defensive and thought she was saying there's no way I feel disgusting. I think she meant there is a part of me, however small, that doesn't think I am totally disgusting, and I need to try to strengthen it.I think she's right. I think a small part of me likes that I got thinner last semester and is terrified to gain a pound. I feel better (although never thin enough) about my body than when I left treatment. Was I happier when I left treatment, though? Absolutely. My mood now I feel like is always blah or anxious.

Okay. I am sick of typing. Hopefully I will blog more now that I am back in school with blocks of time to kill.