I am glad I didn't post on Saturday. I was in a SUPER good mood. It was strange and I knew that it would not last. Frankly, no one is in that good of a mood all the time, but if there is someone...I envy you. I started thinking I could use this summer to get worse either by restricting and losing weight or binge and purge my way( and weigh) back to misery. But then what? Hospital? Treatment? Delaying school? I will ultimately be in the exact same position of having to recover and go through the pain and discomfort, so why not start now? Getting worse only delays things. I was channeling my 16-year-old self(before ED) and remembering a time when I WAS happy and enjoyed food and ran without obsession. I want that girl back so badly. I also look at pictures of myself as a little girl and think that I would never starve or abuse the body of that little princess.:) But I don't feel like that's me.


Anyway, I had a day 1/2 of eating normally and then my stomach was SO distended and I had a freak out. My stomach is always distended after a meal but after eating normally, I SERIOUSLY looked pregnant. If there's one thing that triggers me, it's clothes being tight or feeling my stomach rub against my pants or whatever. I cried, and laid in bed, and fell asleep. Then, I went out with Danielle and her boyfriend, which distracted me momentarily. I did feel super tired and a little weak,though. That made me mad and confused because I was thinking that I actually had been asymptomatic for a period of time and should feel great. I could have still been dehydrated (as I am pretty sure I constantly am) and maybe that's what was causing me to feel that way.

I cancelled my game night due to feeling ill and knew I was going home to just binge and purge. I couldn't wait to have the house alone (because family was at the Pirates game) and I went to town. I started sweating at some point after purging and was worried I was getting dizzy. I did it again and was miserable and laid around for the rest of the night. Today I tried to eat a normal breakfast and have to work in an hour. I hate being in a miserable mood at work, which is most of the time. When I am restricting and losing weight, I feel okay. When I know I have gained weight (which I can't even bear to weigh myself because I know I have gained at least 5 lbs), I am the world's biggest miserable lump. Weight definitely affects my mood and I wish it didn't.

Betsy and her boyfriend were visiting this weekend, but I hardly got to see them. I hope Betsy visits soon. I hate feeling not extremely close to my siblings and I ache for more time spent together. I am too much of a "feeler". I wish I wasn't so relationship/emotion oriented. Blah.

I have to finish getting ready for work. I will try to blog more often because this is somewhat of a release to me.

Oh, my final grades this semester were so much better than I usually get!

A+ in joke computer class
B+
B-
A

Yeah! I am bitter I haven't applied myself the whole time. And if I wouldn't have given up prematurely this semester, I definitely would have had another A.

Later.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to my best friend and the most wonderful person I know.<3