End of school

Woo hoo for the end of the semester. I certainly cannot say it ended as strongly as it began, but I FINISHED all my classes for only the 3rd time in 4.5 years at Pitt. Definitely proud of myself. I screwed myself over in classes I had As in, but at least I am finishing. As the eating disorder got worse, so did my concentration, motivation, and grades. If there were ever any doubt about the correlation of the two things, I think if I graphed out the trends the correlation coefficient would be as close to 1 as possible!

I definitely have mixed feelings about the semester ending. In one sense, it is a huge sign of relief because I don't have the stress of school always lingering over my head. In another sense, I am terrified to be entering into the summer without that structure, with my mom home 24/7, and with tons of free time. I do plan to volunteer at WPIC if they ever call me back. I also will continue to work at Old Navy, although I am sure at max I will get 20 hours per week. I want to look into work study jobs but am afraid to because of the chance that the eating disorder gets out of control and I can't keep it up. I'll still look into it--for all i know, I may not be eligible for work study this summer.

Speaking of treatment-related things, i met with Jennie yesterday and it didn't go so great. She was telling me she feels like she's the only one "in this" and I need to step it up. Otherwise, it's a waste of time for us to meet. I, of course, take this as her giving up on me, and my first reaction is "fine, I'm good". I am good meaning I don't need to come. Mature, huh? She basically asked what would help and let her know what I want to do. I don't know what to do! I told her that at this point the overall goal of "not restricting" seems way too overwhelming to me and I need to break it down. She didn't seem to have advice as to what would be a baby step. She asked if I needed more intensive treatment to which I told her I don't know. For several reasons. 1) parents would never ever go for treatment again unless my physical health necessitated it 2) I still need to pay River Centre a shitload 3) I feel I am not at rock bottom (which is what point I usually end up in before treatment) How can one hit rock bottom more than once and still not be better? Jennie said it looked like i "dropped weight" but I am still around the same number...120...scale said 122 actually today. Why can't I break into the teens? Oh,god, I say I am satisfied and just don't want to gain any, but clearly there is a mental game with the numbers. I know I'm probably chasing perfection that doesn't exist, but it doesn't make me want it any less....even when I see it destroying my life.

Blah. I have an appointment next week to see my old therapist so I can discern who I want to see,if anyone. I know going back to Gina probably isn't the best idea--but Im comfortable with her. Actually, I haven't seen her in a year so it might be super awkward. Ugh, what do I get myself into. My doctor's probably close to giving up on me,too. Ill see what she says MOnday. I get that people may feel their hands are tied if I am not willing to do much. It's just so easy to rationalize why I am still healthy. I just wanted to be comfortable in my body.

Things with Julie were disappointing the other day. I don't know what to attribute it to. We were so code at one point and i know friendships change and life gets crazy, but it feels so different. I love her and her daughter and would do anything to save our friendship, but I am at a loss. I feel like I am boring and she's over me.

I had to say goodbye to Ruth today which sucked. I managed to hold back the waterworks( Gosh, why  am I so emotional) but I could hardly speak because I was choking back tears. I HATE goodbyes. I know that when friendships go long distance, it is just not the same anymore. Friends being close in physical distance is so much easier. Plus, Ruth was there for a lot of hard times. I will miss her a ton but I hope we stay in touch. I guess friends that you're meant to stay in touch with, you will. It's so hard for me to get that just because they're not physically there anymore doesn't mean they're not still there for me.

Well, I'm miss depressing today. I'll list something happy.

Things I am looking forward to:
1) My sister, Katie, is visiting next weekend
2) I am getting Aladdin's for dinner with Megan(coworker/friend) next week:)
3) Hopefully going to the bar with candy necklaces and wearing a cute outfit tomorrow night
4) Sheetz night with Laura as per usual Sunday
^That's it. Man, I have no life I guess. But those things all make me happy so that's good! I've felt so alone lately and am glad I have had a lot of contact (more so than usual) with my coworkers lately. I have vented (probably too much) about the eating disorder and I am glad to get some of the thoughts out. I hope they don't think I am crazy. Honestly, if a friend told me what I tell people, I would be so worried/frustrated/want to shake them, but for myself, there's not the same level of care or compassion. If I think of myself as a little girl, however, I would NEVER say the things or treat myself like I do now. I don't know why there's such a disconnect. Last week I cried in my friend's arm and told her that and that I just want to FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I never wanted this to last this long (or knew what the hell I was getting into) when I first started running and restricting 7 or 8 years ago.:(

There I go with depressing again;)

Anyway, Im gonna go watch Beauty and the Beast for a little or TV with my mom. Please let it be a night where I fall asleep peacefully (with the help of meds, of course) and not cry/worry myself to sleep.

Criticism

Mom:" Oh my god. Look at your arms. What do you weigh? 90 pounds?"
Me: " Mom! No. I am fine. I weigh 120. It is still healthy!"
Mom: " Well, you don't look healthy. You look much different than when you left treatment.
Me: "Nuh uh."

^ Okay, yes, I lost weight since treatment. I would make a horrible lawyer--I never can defend myself. I just say nope, nuh uh, or no. I don't know what else to say. I don't want her to worry. I AM still healthy. I am getting my period still (a telling sign of health according to my MD), am at a healthy BMI, still eat a variety of foods, etc. I just watch my calories. Yes, I have an eating disorder and am working on not bingeing and purging as much. Am I at an anorexic weight? Absolutely not. Am I bingeing as purging as often in the past? Definitely not. Therefore, I am healthier.

I swear if the feedback came more out of care than anger, I would be more receptive. It just makes me mad when you approach me with frustration or anger. I do have to understand I cannot begin to know how it feels like to be in her position and to have watched her baby girl battle this for 7 years.<3 It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

Bloodwork

Ellen,

Released your lab work. Still waiting on the Vit D.

You are iron deficient.

Your complete blood count shows decreased white blood cells (which fight infection), and decreased platelets (which help with blood clotting). Your thyroid is slightly suppressed.

These findings are likely all related to your body not getting enough nutrients.

You can take iron supplements (available over the counter or by prescription) but there isn't much you can do about the other things, other than improve your nutritional status.

Consider this serious evidence of harm you are doing to your body by restricting.

I will be out of the office starting today until next Thursday. My partner, Dr. Nordman, will be available if you have questions before then.

Dr. S

I don't know. When I read that I was like "oh, she's being dramatic." She is a medical doctor. And I trust her opinion immensely. I was expecting if anything was off, it'd be electrolytes. It's tough because electrolyte imbalance can lead to death instantaneously. It's like a gamble because it could happen at any time. That's probably more dangerous? And then, there's damage that says there's (at least to me, without a medical degree) more of a cumulative effect like over the summer when i hate ketones in my urine and now, having decreased platelet and WBC count. I must say, the thing I was most upset about was decreased thyroid function because that's probably why it's so hard to freaking lose weight. That and I end up being a pig and bingeing and purging usually...but still. I guess that speaks to the decline of my mental state since coming from Ohio. My body's failing (I'm being dramatic) and I am just worried about my throid function so I won't have a hard time losing weight my whole life. Dear Lord. I feel bad for my friends that have to listen to me. I know I cannot understand how frustrating it would be to watch someone go through this(for years). Thanks to my true friends who have stuck around and let me vent and try to help me fight. Please know that any reason I still struggle has nothing to do with you, and if I could "snap out of this" to take away anyone's pain, I totally would. <3

Ew, I got a bill from Ohio yesterday that said I have to start making 200 a month minimum payments as of June 1st. This might halt my summer class potentiality because I may need to work 2 jobs. Blah. I thought maybe in the envelope was a letter from my therapist or something. I know treatment centers are like any other business and need to make money, but I am always disheartened how it seems like money is the number 1 priority. I guess that's true in life as well.

Ugh, I really should start the 15,000 assignments all due in the next few days. I.am.so.screwed.:(

I was doing well this semester. The past 3 weeks I would say have just kind of gone to shit in terms of schoolwork, concentration, health, etc. I haven't lost any more weight (they weighed me at the drs...with my shoes on...and I still was at 123) I am at a BMI of 20.5 And my doctor informed me that I can't drop below 20 for surgery in December or she will not improve it. You think it'd be 18.5 because that's the underweight benchmark, but she said it would be too dangerous. Makes sense I guess. THis upset me for several reasons. I don't know if I feel pressured to stay at this weight until then, upset I can't lose more weight by then, upset knowing it could be hard to maintain this weight until December, afraid I'll be 'fat' for my surgery or what. I just know I felt like crying when I left her office yesterday.

It always frustrates me that I get mixed reviews. Above everything,though, I would much rather people tell me...so thank you to those that keep telling me how you feel. I would hate to find out, for example, that everyone at work was worried or saying I looked bad or what not and then no one told me until much much later. THis didn't happen but I just am using that as an example.

MY evidence I am still healthy: still getting a period, still wear a "normal" size--4/6, still functioning in school (kind of), not an underweight BMI, Julie said I looked good, Kristen said the same I think

Evidence I am not doing so well: Lab results, concern from Danielle/Laura/Ruth, work incident, bingeing and purging 1-3 times a week, obsession with food and staying under my calorie limit

Okay, I really need to do homework or work out...or something.

Later!

lack.of.motivation.bad mood.

miserable mood. binged 3 times in past 2 days and purged 4 times. Feel like shit. feel fat. tired. dehydrated. absolutely no motivation to finish semester.so much work to do and haven't started for my 10 pg paper due thurs and 7 min presentation/paper due tuesday. work tonight. just wanna sleep.feel crazy and hopeless and obese and depressed. i don't feel like blogging and am only speaking in partial thoughts. with a period every other second. Speaking of periods, I am on mine and anyone that tells me I am too thin, think of that. My Dr said a better judgment of health, rather than weight, is that I am still getting my period. Me=Healthy. (At least physically)

Later.

:(

Face Down

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

[Red Jumpsuit Apparatus]

^Lately I have been jamming to music from my high school days and it's been enjoyable despite it making me feel old. These lyrics I especially like and feel like it kinds of sums up my ED. The song is about an abusive relationship I think, but according to my therapist, the ED is parallel to an abusive relationship in many ways.

Anyway, I am skipping class to try to finish a paper that was due Tuesday(!). AH. He said I can turn it in when I want, but he probably didn't expect it to take this long. I am lucky he's being so understanding. He may take points off but I am not sure. I think professors are being extra flexible because of the chaos the past month or so. I also said I haven't been feeling well (which there's truth to that, especially given last week's events) and could provide a doctor's note if necessary. I don't want to always fall back on the excuse of an ED, but really it does so affect my school work. I am lucky I have gotten as far as I did this semester because these past few weeks it's been way harder to accomplish anything.

Yesterday I had a pretty good day! I woke up and went to the orthodontist with my mom and we discussed jaw surgery further. He said if I want to shoot for December we need to get the process started with braces in the next few weeks. If I decide to do it for sure, he said I can wait to decide who the surgeon is going to be and that he felt comfortable with either one. My mom's big concern is that the healthcare bill will be repealed and I will be out of insurance. God, please, if I could pray for one thing right now it would be that I can stay on my parent's insurance until 26. I won't finish school for a bit and if anyone needs his or her insurance, it's me. Between therapy, doctor's appointments, and this surgery, I really need it...not to mention coverage for inpatient/partial coverage for a partial program if I need it. I don't plan to ever go back to treatment, but I guess it'd be nice to have that option in case things slip pretty badly. After the appointment, I got oatmeal with my mom and went to Target. Then, I met Megan at Mad Mex. It was really good! I feel really comfortable talking to her one-on-one. When we're at work and a lot of younger people are around, I don't talk to her much and find that she's kind of different in front of people. By herself,though, she is a really good listener and fun to be around. I hope she actually enjoyed getting dinner with me and didn't a) feel obligated or b) try to get some dirt to tell my coworkers. I really doubt it. It is horrible that I even think that way. I felt bad because we pretty much talked about my eating disorder the whole time. I KNOW how draining it is to listen to me and how helpless my friends can feel. It's a super tough place for them to be in and it's hard for me to feel like I am affecting my friendships and worrying/frustrating people but not necessarily knowing how to stop myself from doing what I am doing. Megan said that I seem to be very insightful by realizing that eating too much makes me anxious which makes me restrict. I guess I don't realize how much I do understand about my eating disorder, even if I don't necessarily know WHY I do something.After that, I went home and did a little work and then went to Sheetz with LSenn:) It was so nice to spend time with her. I have felt really isolated from her and feel like her boyfriend has taken my place. I know that's probably not true but it's hard not to feel that way, and it's even harder because I don't even like him that much. I think she deserves the world and a lot of interactions I have seen between them have not pleased me. She definitely expressed her concern last night and said to be careful because I am looking too thin. The scale STILL says only 12 pounds lost...that reading that said 14 lbs that one time must have been a fluke. I really should only weigh myself once a week. Obviously I think I am overestimating calories burned because my net calorie amount should make anyone lose weight. I get that starvation mode can cause anyone to hold onto weight, but eventually, it doesn't matter because when there's a deficit of calories the body WILL lose weight. As I have told a few people, at this point, I am not necessarily dying to lose weight (although clearly I wouldn't be upset) but am TERRIFIED to gain weight because I am finally feeling better about my clothes fitting. I am rather sure if I ate a normal amount, I would gain it all back. I feel bad for worrying Laura and other friends, but I don't know what to do! I know they can't save me and as much as some days I want my life back and realize this is a HUGE waste of time, the desire to be thin outweighs this (no pun intended) on other days! It is so much harder than just saying you want to stop--it honestly feels like the devil is controlling me some days.

Today I feel like I have binged. I ate a granola bar AND this nutrition bar totaling 340 calories PLUS some calories from yesterday that carried over andddd I already have my dinner planned out at Pita Pit. Also, I usually get hungry and eat a Luna Bar(or two) at night before bed. I cannot control myself lately. I have already pushed some calories eaten today into the weekend. Ridiculous. No wonder i haven't lost more weight. Good lord.

I hope to go to the gym during my last class. So, basically I came to Oakland today to do homework and go to the gym. Genuius, Ellen. Waste parking garage money and gas to come. Well, I hope I am more productive than I would've been just sitting at home. I better go do something. I still need to look into summer classes. Part of me doesn't want to do any because I want to work more and god knows how well I will concentrate on classes given how it's been going lately. Knowing ON, I will get like 12 hours a week anyway so I should prob just sign up for classes. They'd only be until end of june anyway I believe. I don't know if its worth it to pay for only 2 classes in the summer if I don't get financial aid, which I don't think I will. I guess its two less classes to be taken next year?

Have a good Thursday, everyone. Danielle and I are hanging out after Cristina and I go to Pita Pit. Hopefully we find something fun to do--I think we're gonna paint our nails and maybe peruse the mall.

Crazy

Sorry for the lack of posts. It's been a little crazy. Although those that read this already know this by now, last week at work I kind of passed out. I say kind of because I don't think I technically "passed out" as much as just got dizzy/lost balance, but whatever. I pretty much fell into my one manager's arms. I did feel shaky when I got there but I knew I had purged only an hour prior and that feeling is all too familiar to me. It.was.so.embarrassing. Thank God the store was not crowded so no one saw me on the floor leaning on Tracy. My store manager called the EMTs even though I swore it wasn't necessary. (although, let's be honest, anyone that knows me would attest to the fact I would say I am fine even if a bullet was in me) The EMTs just told me I had a low blood sugar and gave me some orange juice, which I already don't like, with some disgusting glucose powder in it. I immediately felt better, although tired, and wanted to keep working. I refused the hospital to get checked out and insisted my parents not know because they're already worried. My store manager informed me it was too late because she called my dad already. Anyway, my mom pretty much didn't talk to me for a day and my dad was okay. Both of my parents are still worried I think, which makes sense.

I didn't think this was such a big deal when it happened. It's not like I was like oh well, I just passed out, but I can't say its the first time. It did take me by surprise because I keep arguing things are going well just because school hasn't gone to shit this semester. When my doctor sent me this message back I was very surprised.

Ellen

Thank you for sharing this with me. I need you to stop restricting and stop binging/purging NOW. I know that is easier said than done, but I am serious.

I'm not entirely sure it was due to low blood sugar (which is bad enough). I'm also concerned it was due to dehydration. Low blood sugar makes you confused, but doesn't typically make people dizzy and lose consciousness.

You should probably come in to my office for IV fluids. If not today, tomorrow.

It sounds to me that you are having a hard time keeping yourself adequately hydrated and with adequate nutrition. Next time you may have to be admitted to the hospital.

Dr. S

I mean she was probably trying to scare me a little bit, but hospitalized? That frightened me. She is normally easygoing so that is not a typical response for her. She thought dehydration may be a contributing factor so I went in for IV fluids on Thursday. And of course, here's the million dollar question-- have my actions changed since? Well, the day of I ate a normal dinner at home. My dad took me to Sheetz and I got a huge salad and ate it all--lettuce, rice and beans, tortilla chips, croutons, ranch dressing, vegetables, cheese, the works. The next day I didn't exercise and allowed myself about 1300-1400 calories. I was gonna have a freakout. I was eating 2600 calories(of junk) at RCC and now 1300 made me panic. I guess that's a sign I've slid backwards. The next day I think I went back to my normal amount and then I think I binged and purged Sunday. Maybe Saturday,too? Yesterday and today I've gone back to my normal amount and today I probably went 200 calories over. I am not sure if I am going to allow it to be an overage or move it to tomorrow's calories. We'll see.

I am so behind in schoolwork and should be writing a paper that was due today. I have 3/4 of a page out of 5 page minimum. Blah. Such a boring topic. Individualism and different theorists opinions. Gag. I am taking a break to write this and then 16 and Pregnant and then maybe I'll write more. I am not sure how late this prof will accept it. One good thing about having an ED and the recent bomb threats in addition, profs are more understanding. To be quite honest, I did have a lot of health issues last week and have had a rough time focusing.

My parents have been making more comments and it drives me crazy. I haven't lost any more weight. I still hover between 10 and 15 lbs lower than I was Feb 1st. My dad said I am gonna get blown away by the wind and my friend said I looked like a ghost the other day. My other friend said I look good and most friends refuse to comment. Which one is it?

Tomorrow I have an orthodontist appointment at 11 to discuss jaw surgery further. We only met with 1 oral surgeon so far and haven't reached a final decision yet, so this meeting is kind of pointless. Then, I am meeting one of my managers for Mad Mex at 330. I really am excited about that but nervous,too. I have never eaten in front of her, or most people at work for that matter, and I am afraid she thinks it's weird to hang out with me or we won't have much to talk about. I worry t0o much. I don't want us to talk about work the whole time because I'd rather get to know HER. I hope it's fun. I hope I don't mention anything ED-related(unless she asks) because I tend to blab on to people I feel safe with and I know that it is heavy stuff and draining. She knows about the ED and I am not sure why it's so comforting to talk to her about it. Sweatpants+margarita+ their food+ her company tomorrow should just be great.

I better go and try to write more of this damn paper. Then TV then HOPEFULLY more hmwk. I have sooo much to do in the next 2 weeks and just like to pretend none of it exists. And in the past I HAVE actually not done things and set myself up for failure. I cannot do that this time!

Craziness

Well, the past few days have been more eventful than usual. The only people that read this I think know the story, but I don't have time to write now anyway. I will update later.

Off to Danielle's:)

I don't know how to get you out of this one

Those lyrics are from Heaven Forbid by the Fray. It's pretty much been on repeat for me lately and I feel like they are accurate lyrics for my current situation. I have a test tomorrow but am taking a break from studying to verbally purge. Where to start?

My session with Jennie was pretty much useless today, but that's not a huge surprise. First off, I was annoyed she cashed 8(!) checks at a time. I prepared myself for 7 of them, 140 dollars, to be deducted and my mom had to lend me a little money. I must have missed a check because she cashed 8 and my account overdrew. Jeez. I am gonna give that woman cash from now on. Anyway, today she was asking me questions I didn't know the answer to/haven't though about before. I expressed discontent with bingeing on weekends because it ruins my week. She said okay, if you can restrict successfully without bingeing, how would your life be different? I said I suppose Id be glad? And she said what would be the disadvantages? I said if i got to a dangerous weight, my health, and relationships with others being affected. I felt like she was trying to get me to see something, but wasn't doing it right. SHE didn't say anything. I felt like I had to have the "right" answers. It was super frustrating. Then, she asked what I wanted to work on.*eyeroll* I said no bingeing and purging but noted that there wasn't an easy solution. She said there is, but there's no magic solution. She said increasing my calories would cause less bingeing and I said by how much...100...200? She said c'mon, you're not an idiot. I was being serious and trying to compromise. As a therapist, I would say no, more like 5oo(for example) but if all you can do now is 100, that's fine. :( I felt stupid. Screw the calorie increase now.

I feel bad for worrying people. I think often I forget that my actions can affect other people and I think my ED is only affecting/possibly harming myself. It's always a wakeup call when a friend tells me they're worried. Especially Danielle because she normally is always on my side. So it tends to mean more. Sorry, D. I guess I always think nothing bad will happen to me, but in reality, my body is probably so tired. This summer, when I got lab results that basically said my body is eating muscle for nutrition, I should have gotten it through my head. My dr said then that she could tell from labs that it's taking a toll. Eek. I don't feel thinner and the scale keeps going down and up...so maybe i only lost 10 lbs. such a freaking mind game.:/

my dr asked my goal weight and I told her. She asked why and i said well, it's still heavier then my anorexic weight at 17 by 5 or 10 lbs and it's just on the border of underweight/normal. She said the loss of a period is more telling, so if that happens, I'm not healthy. Thats arguable though because many anorexics I know never lost theirs--I think the DSM V might have tossed that as criteria for AN.

I am stressed with end of school. I think I never really cared in previous semesters, but I have so much due in next 3 weeks. 2 papers for evil class, a report and partner review for other class, 2 journal entries, 2 finals, final paper I haven't started and 7 min presentation. AH.

I might take 2 1st 6 week summer sesh classes. I need some structure and credits..so it works as long as I am not crazy stressed. I also plan to work and hopefully volunteer at WPIC. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to in summer and it's always when I crash and burn, so trying to plan things now. Hopefully this will be 1st summer since 2008 that I haven't been in treatment. To be honest, even if I needed it, I cannot afford to pay off one RCC bill let alone 2, and insurance doesn't accept residential treatment, so I would be forced to do it on my own. Maybe thats what Ive needed. We'll see how it goes. In my mind, Im still much better than I was?

Jaw surgery is still a possibility. I am leaning toward yes but want to get 2nd doctor's opinion. have to also make sure insurance will cover a 2nd procedure and that a second round of braces is financially doable. All these things to ponder! I wish I could get it done this summer. I know I am probably not in amazing health, so maybe not, I just don't want to be heavy when I get it done. Why that matters? IDK.

I told Jennie today I don't necessarily NEED to lose more weight--but I am still restricting more out of fear that I'll gain back what I lost. I don't love my body, that's quite clear, but I feel better about how my clothes fit (or don't fit) now. They're loose and I love it.

I need to go study. Ill probably eat a luna bar even though I just had a granola bar. Emotional hunger? Real hunger? Thirst? No clue.

I don't know how to get (myself) out of this one. I think Im doing great some days and others I know I am falling apart.

Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Binge

I have to do homework, so no time to blog, but remember how I said I was considering a cheat day this weekend. Bad idea. It ALWAYS leads to bingeing. Yesterday I wasn't planning it but I didn't have time to go to the gym and would have been 500 over for the day. Yes, that would have made more sense than to binge. However, I got hungry and just wanted to eat at the end of the day and picked myself up a sub and fries and some candy that I ate. Then finished a box of granola bars(5) and had a few luna bars. Ick, I went to bed feeling disgusting and wanting to purge but my family was home. Ick. today i got back to the gym,though, and ate my normal amount. I hope I didn't gain from that. I feel distant even from Laura. I don't know if Laura's getting sick of me, I feel a perceived difference that isn't true, or just my perception but my ED is causing it. I really hope our friendship is not at risk. I feel alone. I know none of my friends can "fix" me and I imagine it's taxing to see a friend go in and out of rehab, but I still want to know they're there for me and not going anywhere. Takes a special kind of friend I guess.