Jumble

Today wasn't very eventful. I woke up, ate, went to therapy, went to the gym, watched Desperate Housewives on my laptop, and went to dinner with my parents. I am kind of obsessing about what I've eaten today so far and how I don't want to order a margarita tonight with my friends for several reasons.

1) I want to save my money for something better

2) I am never super well-hydrated

3) The unknown nutrition info

4) I just feel like diet soda

I feel like I am going to be pressured into ordering something. I love flavored margaritas--I really do. Just don't feel like them all the time, ya know?

On a different note, I really should ditch my scale. It died on me a few months ago and I bought batteries a few weeks ago. It is weird and you can't use it on carpet...but even in the bathroom it gives me different readings depending on where I stand. It messes with my head and frankly, I just should not use it. I want to lose a few pounds,though. Blah.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I just usually feel uncomfortable in my body and end up in the back folding and stuck in my head. I like folding tables because it passes time...it's just hard because a lot of times I get stuck in my head.

Moving on to therapy, it's so hit or miss with my therapist. A lot of times I get so defensive and look for reasons why I shouldn't come anymore. Some part of me must like/trust her or I wouldn't keep going. She pushes me sometimes and I get mad, and sometimes I wish she would push me more. It's weird. I so often just want to prove to people I am fine and not have to answer any questions, but a lot of times I feel myself wanting friends to read my mind and see the pain underneath my smile. That sounds super dramatic, but I do realize that a lot of times I get irritated when people think things are going well and can't read my mind. It's like some kind of test. Ridiculous.

I found this online yesterday and it made me laugh because it's true sometimes.----->

You say I’m always happy, and that I’m good at what I do, but what you’ll never realize is, I’m a damn good actress too.

This post is making no sense. I just wanted to get some thoughts out. There's some stuff I don't want to get into on here that's also a constant source of anxiety. The stupid incident happened over 3 years ago and it still affects me. Lame.

Gotta go do homework.

Small joys

Today I experienced a lot of small joys that made me happy, even if just for a moment. So often I am crippled my anxiety or depression or thoughts about food/exercise/weight, so I take advantage of these moments when I can.

-I took a little jog today because it was 50 out

-Got lunch with my mom and soft serve, and I cherish quality time with her

-She ordered me Sister Act 1 and 2 and they arrived today in the mail

-I danced around my room for a few seconds to No Light No Light by Florence+ the Machine

-I get to see Laura tonight for a Sheetz date

-My dad said he's going to help with Mac payments because I have Ohio bill still and hardly work

(this also makes me feel really guilty but I'll save it for another post)

And that was all today:)

Although I had a lot of anxiety today,too, these moments make me smile and try to stay in the moment as long as possible. Life's small joys. I could list plenty more than didn't necessarily pertain to today, like luna bars and laughing until my stomach hurts, but I should be doing homework.

:) Enjoy life's small joys today

Failed midterm

How can I say failed when the test was today you ask?Well, I know. No, it's not like one of those brainiacs in high school who say they feel like they failed, when in actuality, everyone knows they will get an A. I bombed/failed/flunked this midterm. A lot of factors contributed to this.

- I HATE this class and the professor

-I felt like crying when I attempted the first reading in January and never picked the book up again

- The professor is a total jerk and I would not ask him for help because I have too much pride

-I missed 3 classes

-I was busy and studied somewhat this weekend, but you can't cram a ton of info in 2 days

-Being the oh-so-wonderful man he is, he used NONE of the practice essay questions on the test....therefore, I was screwed and knew NOTHING about any of them

Blah--I am trying not to let this ruin my day/semester. In past semesters, I would let this ruin all chances I had and never go to the class again. And I would probably stop trying in every class and chalk it up to me being stupid and not capable. I am fighting with this. I want to cry now because I am a huge perfectionist as much as you cannot tell from looking at my GPA. I am repeating "I'm not stupid...it's okay" in my head a lot and trying to move on with my day.

Oh, and I haven't binged/purged since Thursday:) I know that I haven't had much of a chance since then as I mainly do it when in Oakland, but still it's progress nonetheless.

I don't feel like blogging much now, but just wanted to vent about the test.

Rest of my plans today include the following:

- Class

- hopefully doing some reading

-Possibly watching desperate housewives on my laptop(resist,ellen....schoolwork!)

- eating lunch in my car

-tutoring

-seeing Danielle because she's helping me review for powerpoint quiz tomorrow (which will be a joke compared to today's test) and we might run errands

At least I am wearing a cute outfit today:)

A manager of mine made me try on black super skinny jeans during work the other day and I very hesitantly did. They actually were cute...imagine that. I am usually opposed to skinny jeans(although I have a pair or two) and would NEVER touch super skinny jeans let alone tell them my size/ show them to coworkers but I did. And bought them. Yay for small victories.

Ellen

Emotions

I'm continuing this insane cycle of bingeing and purging and missed another class this morning. Social Theory. The class I hate...and we have a test coming up on Tuesday.:( Bad life choice. Whatever. I NEED to stop this nonsense. 5 days of bingeing or bingeing and purging sucks. I probably gained the 5 lbs I lost. Such is life,I guess. Tomorrow I do not have class and therefore don't have much of an opportunity. I just can't binge and then purge in the shower at home. Hopefully since I am doing spinning in the morning I will be motivated to not stuff my face. Gosh,Ellen, no.self.control.

I am at DD waiting for Ruth. I hate always telling people I am still struggling after so many rounds in treatment. I am sometimes tempted to slap on a freaking smile and tell everyone I am great. I do that to Jennie(my therapist) sometimes but ultimately usually end up breaking down at some point...even if I am alone. You can only hide from your emotions for so long before they catch up with you.

Okay, so I just met with Ruth. I ended up crying. I swear my period makes me more emotional. I feel like I need to be on drugs or something that help that. I was crying talking about how a lot of things that SHOULD motivate me to dump this damn disorder TODAY make me actually hold onto it for longer. For example, I get upset that I am 23 and for the past 7 years, my parents have only seen me sick. This should make me say wow, I will cherish time with them now. Instead, I get upset and turn to my ED to "comfort" me. Also, I was crying thinking about Ruth leaving in May. Why am I so emotional and easily attached to people? I guess I get so afraid that I won't have someone in my life anymore( and physical distance especially makes me anxious because they're physically inaccessible) and I tend to be sad for the loss rather than happy for what we had. I constantly would rather avoid pain and almost wish I hadn't have met someone because it makes me sadder when they're gone. I am one of the most messed-up, irrational people. Ruth basically said God puts people in your life for a reason and takes away when it's time. But he'll provide. I know she's right...but I also wondered if that was a way of saying we won't keep in touch. I can't help but think some people only see my ED and have so much closer relationships with people who are normal. Again, makes me want to turn back to the ED.

My life is so sad. Why am I so crazy? Normal people don't cry themselves to sleep thinking there are bugs on them or cry insisting they want to die before their parents do. I feel like I am doomed and should move into a mental hospital for life. What is normal anyway?

Blah. Emotional roller coaster.

I have to work tonight and not looking forward to that. I feel like my coworkers don't actually like ME--just my folding. So many of them are buddy-buddy and don't do much work, while I actually take folding seriously. I feel like a loner. I can just picture them when I was in Ohio saying that girl has issues...blah blah blah. Whatever. I can't prove or disprove my thoughts necessarily...so I'll just live with them.

I should be doing homework. I did no reading for this week and have 2 midterms next week(one for the class I hate and never go to...and never read for....im screwed)

I hope next week is better.

I need some comfort/motivation/hugs. Like lying on the couch with my head rested on my mom with a blanket wrapped around me. That's mainly comfort. But my messed-up head says to me don't do that too much because she won't always be there.

Anyone up for a brain swap?

Overwhelmed

I am just plain overwhelmed. Why do I seem to have an inability to cope with life? It's ridiculous. I have been starving/bingeing/purging for SEVEN YEARS. Give it up, girl. It OBVIOUSLY isn't working. I still always fall back on it,though. I am overwhelmed with school even though I am only taking 12 credits. If it weren't for that one damn class that I seem to just avoid all the work for because it's confusing and the professor's a jerk, then I would be peachy. I am overwhelmed with my phobia of bugs/dirt and frat party thing that still affects me 3 1/2 years later. I am overwhelmed by constant anxiety of things like realizing my parents are getting older and so am I, and I want to go back in time and have years and years with them. I am overwhelmed by lack of money and bills and my mom's financial situation. I am overwhelmed with sometimes feeling stifled at home (ESPECIALLY if my dad retires in April), yet not having anyone I want to move out with or really feeling "ready". I am overwhelmed with thoughts about weight loss. To complicate that, my sister called my mom yesterday while I was in the car, and it turns out she wants to come home and run the 1/2 Marathon. This makes me crazy because 1) my sister is/was bulimic and tends to have an all-or-nothing attitude about exercise as I do 2) Running was always MY thing and 3) I feel like she'll be all thin when she comes home 4) I feel like she'll get a lot of positive attention for doing so 4) It's always been a goal of mine, but due to breathing issues and other health problems, I don't think I could even do it (not to mention in order to train you need to be healthy and consume adequate nutrition and NOT be dehydrated/malnourished/etc. like I probably am) I know this sounds ridiculous and it'd be hard to understand, but here's a little back info that I have only put together recently.

- When I was little, I was always naturally thin and my dad called me "skinny mini"( i now realize parents probably shouldn't give a kid a nickname based on physical appearance)

- This nickname stuck until my middle sister(not the one running the 1/2) developed anorexia and he started calling HER that

- I, at the time, was going through puberty and naturally put on weight. I no longer felt special and I felt like she took my identity in the family

- At the same time, unbeknownst to anyone, I believe my oldest sister was developing bulimia

- Betsy seemed to "snap out of" anorexia (I think that it wasn't full-blown or else I would never say someone can just snap out of an ED) and was fine after that

- I developed anorexia and then my parents gave me attention (negative attention...but I still felt my weight defined me). I also started running around this time and everyone knew it was a hobby of mine

Anyway, Katie running the 1/2 Marathon brings up a lot of feelings for me. The irrational, sick side of me wants to lose like 20 lbs before she gets home and then I will be noticed for something. I know it's seeking attention in the wrong way. I just want to be noticed and cared about and loved. I am not saying this isn't true now; I just feel so alone so often. I fixate on weight and promise myself that I need to try getting to a lower weight ONE more time and see if it fulfills me. If not, then I can completely let go of the eating disorder. I recognize this is messed up. Also, I have no self- control and obviously couldn't lose much weight anyway. I've been trying ever since I developed bulimia and it's a no-go.

Blah, why am i so depressing? I hope tomorrow I can get back on track with food. It truly is a vicious cycle. Today, I woke up feeling disgusting from 2 days of bingeing and then just ate like 600 calories before I left the house and knew I had decided to skip class and binge and purge. I skipped class because I haven't done the reading and am so lost and behind... and I binged and purged because I figured I am fat anyway...I give up. 3 days of failure doesn't have to continue,though. I will go to my last class today.

I am wishing I kept my appointments this week. Especially with my MD because she's so supportive and I trust her more than anyone right now. My therapy sessions are hit or miss. I kind of skipped them to save money and to punish myself for bingeing I guess. I know I am being repetitive from yesterday, but oh well.

I at least will see Danielle today after tutoring. I hope we at least do something fun. I know I am gonna be hungry later which I CAN'T STAND. After a binge/purge, I just want to be done for the day. My stupid body still absorbs most of the calories from it and then is STILL asking for food later. Sorry, I used so many caps today. I guess I am angry?

Feast or Famine

WHY do I have such an all-or-nothing attitude about EVERYTHING? It's beyond frustrating. So, I was doing well with no bingeing or purging up until yesterday. Granted, I was probably not eating exactly enough calories for my height/age/weight/etc., but I was doing pretty well. Yesterday, however, there were issues. Sundays can be bad because I always go to Sheetz with Laura to get a snack at night and sometimes my parents want to go to dinner. Yesterday they wanted to go to Pizza Hut. I, being the people pleaser that I am, agreed to go there even though it's a trigger. I ate a personal pizza and felt so guilty about it (plus an appetizer with parents) and had a "fuck it" attitude for the rest of the day. I was ravenous when we went there, but still. I continued to come home after Sheetz with Laura and binge on luna bars. I was so depressed last night that I didn't wash my face or anything before bed--I just hit the sack hoping I'd feel better in the morning. When I looked at my distended stomach in the mirror, I immediately felt disgusting. It WOULD HAVE made the most sense to get back on track. Since I haven't been eating much of a breakfast lately, I asked my mom to make me pancakes because it felt like my last chance to eat them. Then, i ate a little more and purged in the shower. Good idea, Ellen.

The rest of today I have been considering a "Last Meal" and just have been eating whatever the hell I want. Tomorrow I hopefully will get back to my set number of calories and have some fucking self-control. Gosh.

I feel like shit and can't focus on homework and feel really alone. I think I'll lie around in my misery until I go to coffee with my friend.

I also have been panicking since my dad turned 60 and wish I could turn back the clock. I want to be a little girl again (or at least in my teens) and soak up as much time with my parents as much as possible without an eating disorder. It brings me to tears thinking I only have a limited number of years left with them, and how I just want to freeze or go back in time. :( I hate this. It makes me want to stay sick or die before them. Yes, I am crazy.

:(

Plus, I cancelled my doctor's appointment and therapy this week because I feel too fat to go. Another good idea, Ellen. I told them something came up and now I can't see my dr for like 16 days and my therapist for like 11. Probably will go crazy in the mean time. Well, hopefully I feel thinner by then. Jeez.

I've been sucking at posting

I have really been slacking on posts!:/ It's not like anyone really reads this anyway, but at least for my own sanity, I should probably update it more than I do. Not much is new since my last entry; I still hate social theory and would be a MUCH happier camper if I were not in that class. Otherwise, my life has been school,work occasionally, see friends. I am so broke but don't want to talk about that. In terms of food, I still have not binged and purged in about 2 weeks! What What? I have been still using my app to count what I am eating and I have been going to the gym semi-regularly, which is good. I have kind of been living off of Luna bars and tootsie pops. Not healthy and kind of odd--one is a women's nutrition bar and the other is a sugar-filled candy. Whoops. I still have been eating some more "challenging" things like french bread frozen pizza or eating with friends. Overall, I am doing a lot better than I was. I just need to get over the I-hate-my-body-I-need-to-lose-30-pounds attitude, which I am afraid could take an eternity.

I have school work to do, so I should probably get off. I don't have much new to report. I worked 4 hours Friday night and saw The Vow. It was a little disappointing but overall pretty good. I needed one of my movie buddies to go with me(my sister or Liz), but I went with my friend,Olivia. Saturday night I worked 4 hours and got coffee with a friend. I feel like she always secretly wants to hang out with her best friend more. I mean part of me doesn't blame her...it just sucks to always feel like I am holding her back from something. It is my interpretation,though and not necessarily accurate.

Things I am excited about:( a positive spin for once)

- My friend's boyfriend lent me Season 3 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

- My friend from treatment coming to visit me over Spring Break

- hanging with Danielle on Tuesday night

- new Desperate Housewives tonight

-Sheetz date with LSenn tonight

When you're happy like a fool(on rare occasion for me), let it take you over.[One Republic]

I hate Social Theory

I hate,no,despise Social Theory. If it weren't for that class, I would be satisfied with my schedule. The professor's a pretentious jerk, it's SO boring and at 930AM, and I haven't done any of the readings because I tried the first week and almost started crying. I really should ask him for help or something but I can't stand him. Luckily I think I found a study partner because I spoke up in class and said I was lost the one day. I really should have dropped it. If I fail, I guess I will just retake it and replace the grade.

Hm, what else is going on? I am just in Posvar killing 2 and a half hours before my next class. I probably should start studying for my Alcohol Abuse test on Thursday, but I figured I'd try to sneak a blog in. On another note, I was so pissed that I donated plasma yesterday and did not get paid. Maybe all places do not pay, but I can't see why there'd be an incentive to donate it instead of just whole blood. I know it was a good deed, but especially after all the drama with my parents, it just wasn't worth it.

I have also been insatiably hungry lately and it's driving me nuts. I feel like I eat and it just burns up because I'll be immediately hungry after eating. Maybe I have a parasite or something? Ew, I hope not. It's not like I am eating a ridiculously low number of calories like 500 or something. I am trying to log my food on myfitnesspal,though and get mad when I go over. It also bothers me that if you exercise, your number of net calories consumed is lowered--e.g. you eat 2000 calories and burn 400 exercising your net would be 1600. My screwed up mind doesn't trust that and still *feels* like I consumed 2000. I don't know. I am trying to stick to the same number regardless of whether or not I have time to exercise, which during the school week is usually rare.

Tonight I am hanging out with Danielle which should be fun. I think we may get Subway and then run some errands. I want to get more luna bars even though I still have about 10 or so left. I just want to buy a box of 6 if they're still on sale at Target, especially because they sent me that stuff. What a wonderful company:) I should have majored in nutrition or something and then gone to work for them in sunny California. haha.

Well, I guess I should get to work. Knowing me I will play around on Facebook for a while, end up playing games on my phone, or make it to my (cold) car to nap. Focus,Ellen!

Touched

Okay, so my highlight of the weekend was definitely receiving the package from LUNA. My dad texted me and was purposely being deceitful telling me I got a "small" box. I figured they sent me a bar or two as a sample. To my surprise, I got home and opened a medium-sized box that had a box of my favorite flavor( peanut honey pretzel) about 5 bars that were various flavors, a hat, a tote bag, and a handwritten note that basically said thanks for the Facebook comment and that they wished me luck in my recovery. I was so touched and happy. It gave me faith in humanity that there ARE good people out there. It just meant so much to me that a woman I don't even know was touched by my comment, and wanted to send me something. Props, LUNA. You're a wonderful company and I will continue to support you! I don't know what I will do when I run out of (free) Luna Bars. I have gotten used to eating 2 or 3 in a day. Sad, huh? When I said it was one food I felt good about eating, I meant it.

Speaking of eating, I have not binged or purged in...a week? Yay! I am trying to keep my eating under control. Body image is still a huge struggle, but I expect that. I get annoyed because sometimes my parents will be like you're 23, we can't make you eat, but sometimes(like today) they will want to know what I've eaten. Today, before work, my mom came to my room and asked if I wanted anything to eat. I said no, I had a luna bar and was going to eat after work. She said that that was not enough and seemed mad and stomped away. It was my dad's 60th yesterday so we bought chocolate pie. My mom just cut me a piece today as I mentally panicked. I told her cut it small and she kind of rolled her eyes. If I know I can't purge or binge and purge, it's really hard for me to eat "unsafe" foods. I am glad I went to the gym earlier. I have been using a calculator on my iPhone to keep track of my food intake. I know my parents look out for my best interest, but sometimes they overreact. Another good example of this is wanting to donate plasma. I have an appointment tomorrow to do so( and I better get paid), and my parents freaked when they found out. We aren't even telling my dad I am actually going through with it because he worries too much. He told me drug addicts do that and seemed mad when I mentioned it the other night. My mom says they worry because they're parents, but I am guessing this has something to do with my status as eating-disorder patient. I asked my doctor and she said it was safe as long as I drank fluids, but it still didn't seem to reassure my mom. I will see how it goes. If anything bad happens, I won't go again. Really I just was interested in getting money for plasma because I am broke, and possibly start donating blood to earn points for gift cards. Poor college student has definitely reached a new level.

I worked today and didn't do much else. Ate dinner with my mom and went to Sheetz with Laura. I had a good day overall. I caught up on some homework but still feel like I am not caught up. I have no idea how people that take more than 4 classes do it; I have never been able to successfully do so while at Pitt.

I am going to go to bed now. I want to get up semi-early (and by semi- early I mean by 1130...haha) and go to the gym before blood appointment.

Then, I think my mom and I are going to see my grandma and have dinner. And I am getting coffee at night. I love not having class Mondays and Fridays:) I do enjoy having somewhere to be Tues-Thurs, though because otherwise I would be incredibly bored. My 8 hr ON work week is pretty taxing...haha. Sarcasm.

Night!

You're Beautiful

To anyone that needs it tonight, you are beautiful!<3 (Yes, I am still working on this. But, I can easily share the message with others.) My favorite line is before you ever took a breath...

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!!!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

MERCYME-BEAUTIFUL