HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long...not that anyone reads this. Things have been...all over the place. The semester was off to a good start albeit busy, but things have really declined. In the past month or so, bingeing and purging has been out of control, my grades slipped a little, I ruined rapport with my work study supervisor, started interning less and skipping classes more, and just overall have been down. Why do I always seem to spiral downward? Last semester I lost weight and restricted more and this semester I b/ped more. I def will not be making the dean's list this semester:( Oh man. Maybe I am just not an "A" student. I can't even think about grad school right now.

My sister and boyfriend are visiting from NY for the holiday. I am thankful for Betsy and feel we have definitely gotten closer over the years. We don't talk frequently but when she's home, I feel we have genuine conversations now. I like her boyfriend but naturally, I prefer when she visits alone. I am also jealous that she has a nice guy and seems to be really happy with him.  She's not that much older than me and I am so far from independent like she is. :/ My therapist said the other day she saw a couple in their 60s at EatNPark the other day with their adult daughter in her thirties and she was "bitching' about life the whole time. My therapist said she and her husband kind of felt bad for her in a pathetic way and she said I cannot be living with my parents at 30. That idea really scared me and woke me up to the fact I HAVE to work on my issues. I get sad by how much time has passed with this damn ED and how quickly my life has gone....I still feel 16 and kind of wish I was sometimes.:(

My therapist (Beth) told me the other day she's worried about me. She emailed saying if I think things are escalating then we better start thinking about inpatient places and I said absolutely NOT. Not only can I not afford to take time off school, my parents would KILL me and i can't afford it. Also, I'd rather be thin going into treatment. That's beside the point,though. When she said she was worried, I basically took that to mean she was giving up on me. Sometimes I think she can oversimplify things and not understand how hard this battle is. I also can't stand when she said I am "basically" her size. Hello, she is 5'8"ish and 128 lbs....umm...let's just say I am a few in shorter and right now heavier than that! Overall, I love her,though.

Blah. I have been so antsy today and I am not sure why. I ate a bagel and pumpkin cream cheese, ran 2 miles, ate fruit and a yogurt with walnuts and flaxseed and then felt like walking again but didn't want my parents to say anything. Its a GORGEOUS day and unseasonably warm. I feel lonely and empty though as usual. I am waiting for my parents to be ready to go to my aunt and uncle's house. Betsy and Bobby and Brendan already left--I miss my other sister because I feel like we're more alike and I have her to hang out with. I feel excluded around the others frequently. Maybe it's just my perception. I hope we don't stay long. Id rather come home, watch a movie, and fall asleep. I am not looking fwd to working 9 hrs for Black Friday tomorrow and 8 hours Sat at Old Navy. Blah. At least it'll be a decent paycheck before my jaw surgery.

I am excited for jaw surgery to have time off and the chance to not b/p, but I'm sure it'll be much more miserable than I remember. I know it was miserable but this time my mouth will not be wired. Also, he said I will stay in hospital about 5 days. If I get a kid roommate I am gonna flip out. I hope they give me a private room at CHildrens or they drug me up a lot. haha. The surgeon said I will be on clear liquids first, then any liquids, then switch to solids after about 1.5-2 weeks. He said expect to lose 5-10 lbs but gain it back. First off, I was hoping I'd lose more like 15-20 and second of all, I DO NOT want to gain it back. My luck I'll gain weight. Whatever.

GOSH, I want to get better so badly yet I still feel so sick.

Later.

I'm thankful for:
-family
-friends
-my body's resilience
- a safe home
- sunshine:)
-luna bars/clif bars/vegan and vegetarian food that make me happy
- my kitty
-OBX
- scarves
-education
-my laptop
-music