Calm after the storm

I've calmed down a bit since Monday thankfully. Sunday and Monday everything from the past few months that built up just kind of exploded. I was very short with people and dissociative on Sunday and would hardly talk to my friend when we went to Sheetz. I felt so overwhelmed and didn't know where to start--I had some things to say to her and I also just could not speak to my state in general. I just completely shut down when I get like that. Monday I had a therapy appointment that was pretty much useless. It consisted of me wanting to talk about friend problems and Jennie telling me that it wasn't relevant because if I am not feeding myself properly, she doesn't expect me to have good relationships. I swear I wasn't trying to sidetrack her. I then got really anxious and we spent the majority of the session calming me down. It was dumb. My doctor's appointment was better, not surprisingly. She said I looked tired and dehydrated and was reminding her of me over the summer. I was also super anxious so she prescribed Buspar. I have been on that in the past, but pretty sure I took myself off it before I ever saw if it helped, which is so so typical for me. I am more open to meds than ever because they can't hurt at this point.

Tuesday I got to take a short run after classes and relax and then hung with Danielle. That was good. I was depressed,however, because the lecture portion of my favorite class is over. Maybe I am a nerd, but that is the most I have enjoyed a class at Pitt. He was a wonderful lecturer and kept my interest for the most part. I wish he taught more classes. It also semi sparked my interest in addictions counseling. I don't necessarily think I would want to do a whole addictions concentration, but maybe go for CAC certification at some point? Who knows. I need to focus on undergrad first and raising my GPA to a 3.0 at least.

Wednesday consisted of going to Trader Joe's, which I had been to before, and Whole foods, which I had never been to. IN LOVE. Whole foods is rather expensive, but both of these places made me want everything and made me feel good about picking out food. Normally, at least in the past few months, I have not really picked out groceries. I have just been buying Luna bars and granola bars as a staple and then usually eat a meal with my parents out or at home. I bought oatmeal, a new kind of granola bar, dark chocolate pistachio toffee, this cookie sandwich that I haven't eaten yet, and of course, luna bars. I bought more of a variety of things and feel semi-okay eating these new things. Feeling good about what I eat is a must. Then, I got dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a bit. She has been depressed so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and was trying to be understanding with her lack of communication. If anyone has been depressed, it's me, but it was difficult and hurtful to feel like she was shutting me out because I don't necessarily do that when struggling, but people deal with things differently. I take so many situational factors personally, if that makes sense.

Today, I am meeting Stacey shortly for lunch at Market. I haven't eaten there in so so long. I am craving a salad with tofu and veggies and (hopefully light) ranch dressing. It makes me nervous, however, because I can't know the calories and I need to leave enough room for dinner later. Plus, I am starving now and need to have energy for a workout later. Oh, mind, you are complicated.

Tomorrow and Saturday I work 6-10PM and have no plans. I really hope at least one of those nights I can at least see someone for an hour. It's harder to focus on schoolwork when I feel like a loser and come home after work. Laura offered to go to SouthSide with her and meet, but 1) her BF will be there 2) I don't want to drive/park alone and 3) I feel like it was a pity offer. So....probably not.

Blah. I need more close friends. I feel so...lonely. I guess I could feel that anywhere,though. Even in a room full of people.

Okay, I am skipping my useless class so I better go ACTUALLY be productive. I felt the need to purge [verbally] for a little.

Happy Thursday! I used to love them...until I started working both weekend nights!