going crazy. what else is new?
feel fat. disgusting. can't stop bingeing and purging. need to restrict. want to get better. want my bones to stick out. want a new therapist. want to keep my same one. want to be young again. want to die. hate myself. want to protect the young,innocent child in me.
conflicting thoughts.
feel alone. everyone says God can help me...but where is he?
I never feel his presence.
I cry and feel pain and that's it.
:(
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Trauma class
So, I am liking my summer class so far! It's very interesting...and I think I found a new therapist. I didn't go in with any intentions of soliciting a therapist, obviously,but she has brought up clients with eating disorders several times and I couldn't help but think she'd be a wonderful therapist for me. So, I asked. It's unethical to see me during this class as it's a conflict of interest, but after it's done, I am going to start. This excites me...but also makes me uneasy because I love Jennie as a person and don't want to tell her I am leaving. I hope that if it doesn't work out with Elizabeth I can go back to Jennie. Gosh, these all sound like relationships haha.
She seems rich and is super thin,though. So, I am afraid she will judge me like "oh, she's fat and ugly and has braces". And poor. Oh, man. I wish I could shut my thoughts off.
I have still been on a binge/purge train wreck. Today was the first day in a while I restricted/exercised back in my normal routine. I don't know what the hell I want. Well, I KNOW what I want--I just can't have both. I wish there were a way I could be thin and healthy and happy. The problem happens when I actually try to eat normally and do the work of getting better. I feel incredibly disgusting and alone and nothing/no one can take away my pain and discomfort. So, I decide it's better to control my weight. I go back and forth so much in my head about what I should do that it's a daily battle. When I think about school and my career aspirations, I KNOW I NEED to stop this damn eating disorder. It's prevented me from doing well at PItt, being happy there, going to class, finish semesters, etc. I need no more evidence. I could be healthy and do well and *Hopefully* get into a grad school program. My dream is a PsyD program,but that's a really long shot. Regardless, I know I need to be healthy to a) get into grad school because I need to be well enough to raise my Pitt grades and b) help myself before I can help anyone else. But why oh why does being thin and having loose clothes feel more important sometimes? I can't describe the discomfort of clothes feeling tight. I turn into this miserable wreck who hates the world. I wore the same outfit a few days in a row and cried to my mom yesterday saying I feel disgusting. I was emotional because I started my period but I still meant everything I said. It's so hard for her to understand. She told me maybe I just have to learn to live with this ED and I just stomped upstairs still crying. I am sure it's extra hard to see your daughter think she's ugly and fat for years and years--you probably feel helpless.
I am LOVING the Hunger Games Trilogy. I am going to be seriously devastated when I finish the 3rd one. The premise sounded so dumb, but I have gotten really into them! I need to see the movie now. My mom's so happy I am finally reading some fiction--it's funny.
I liked a kid...for about a day. Boys are so stupid. It was Laura's friend and he flirted with my and held my hand while drinking one night. I'm sorry, but please don't do that if you're drunk and don't like someone. I got the wrong impression (easy to do) and tried to invite him to lunch. He didn't really respond and Laura told me he was just drunk touchy and thinks I am nice,though. Whatever. Most drunk guys don't go around holding hands of girls. Stupid men. I swear no one is ever interested in me.
I am having friend problems now and don't feel like getting into it, but someone is mad at me and I think is being very unfair. Typical. I have few good friends and some don't even live here. Lame. My mom said to forget about fair-weathered friends and stop hanging out with people who aren't good friends, even if it means staying home often. She's probably right. I am so sick of judging my worth by how many friends I have and most of them aren't even real friends. Good friends are so rare.
One thing I learned in class today that was super helpful was that an event in itself isn't traumatic; it's your reaction to an event that makes it traumatic or not. This is so helpful. I always told my past therapists that what happened to me at the frat party wasn't rape therefore "shouldn't" be a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal because if it weren't, it wouldn't still affect me.
She seems rich and is super thin,though. So, I am afraid she will judge me like "oh, she's fat and ugly and has braces". And poor. Oh, man. I wish I could shut my thoughts off.
I have still been on a binge/purge train wreck. Today was the first day in a while I restricted/exercised back in my normal routine. I don't know what the hell I want. Well, I KNOW what I want--I just can't have both. I wish there were a way I could be thin and healthy and happy. The problem happens when I actually try to eat normally and do the work of getting better. I feel incredibly disgusting and alone and nothing/no one can take away my pain and discomfort. So, I decide it's better to control my weight. I go back and forth so much in my head about what I should do that it's a daily battle. When I think about school and my career aspirations, I KNOW I NEED to stop this damn eating disorder. It's prevented me from doing well at PItt, being happy there, going to class, finish semesters, etc. I need no more evidence. I could be healthy and do well and *Hopefully* get into a grad school program. My dream is a PsyD program,but that's a really long shot. Regardless, I know I need to be healthy to a) get into grad school because I need to be well enough to raise my Pitt grades and b) help myself before I can help anyone else. But why oh why does being thin and having loose clothes feel more important sometimes? I can't describe the discomfort of clothes feeling tight. I turn into this miserable wreck who hates the world. I wore the same outfit a few days in a row and cried to my mom yesterday saying I feel disgusting. I was emotional because I started my period but I still meant everything I said. It's so hard for her to understand. She told me maybe I just have to learn to live with this ED and I just stomped upstairs still crying. I am sure it's extra hard to see your daughter think she's ugly and fat for years and years--you probably feel helpless.
I am LOVING the Hunger Games Trilogy. I am going to be seriously devastated when I finish the 3rd one. The premise sounded so dumb, but I have gotten really into them! I need to see the movie now. My mom's so happy I am finally reading some fiction--it's funny.
I liked a kid...for about a day. Boys are so stupid. It was Laura's friend and he flirted with my and held my hand while drinking one night. I'm sorry, but please don't do that if you're drunk and don't like someone. I got the wrong impression (easy to do) and tried to invite him to lunch. He didn't really respond and Laura told me he was just drunk touchy and thinks I am nice,though. Whatever. Most drunk guys don't go around holding hands of girls. Stupid men. I swear no one is ever interested in me.
I am having friend problems now and don't feel like getting into it, but someone is mad at me and I think is being very unfair. Typical. I have few good friends and some don't even live here. Lame. My mom said to forget about fair-weathered friends and stop hanging out with people who aren't good friends, even if it means staying home often. She's probably right. I am so sick of judging my worth by how many friends I have and most of them aren't even real friends. Good friends are so rare.
One thing I learned in class today that was super helpful was that an event in itself isn't traumatic; it's your reaction to an event that makes it traumatic or not. This is so helpful. I always told my past therapists that what happened to me at the frat party wasn't rape therefore "shouldn't" be a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal because if it weren't, it wouldn't still affect me.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I am glad I didn't post on Saturday. I was in a SUPER good mood. It was strange and I knew that it would not last. Frankly, no one is in that good of a mood all the time, but if there is someone...I envy you. I started thinking I could use this summer to get worse either by restricting and losing weight or binge and purge my way( and weigh) back to misery. But then what? Hospital? Treatment? Delaying school? I will ultimately be in the exact same position of having to recover and go through the pain and discomfort, so why not start now? Getting worse only delays things. I was channeling my 16-year-old self(before ED) and remembering a time when I WAS happy and enjoyed food and ran without obsession. I want that girl back so badly. I also look at pictures of myself as a little girl and think that I would never starve or abuse the body of that little princess.:) But I don't feel like that's me.
Anyway, I had a day 1/2 of eating normally and then my stomach was SO distended and I had a freak out. My stomach is always distended after a meal but after eating normally, I SERIOUSLY looked pregnant. If there's one thing that triggers me, it's clothes being tight or feeling my stomach rub against my pants or whatever. I cried, and laid in bed, and fell asleep. Then, I went out with Danielle and her boyfriend, which distracted me momentarily. I did feel super tired and a little weak,though. That made me mad and confused because I was thinking that I actually had been asymptomatic for a period of time and should feel great. I could have still been dehydrated (as I am pretty sure I constantly am) and maybe that's what was causing me to feel that way.
I cancelled my game night due to feeling ill and knew I was going home to just binge and purge. I couldn't wait to have the house alone (because family was at the Pirates game) and I went to town. I started sweating at some point after purging and was worried I was getting dizzy. I did it again and was miserable and laid around for the rest of the night. Today I tried to eat a normal breakfast and have to work in an hour. I hate being in a miserable mood at work, which is most of the time. When I am restricting and losing weight, I feel okay. When I know I have gained weight (which I can't even bear to weigh myself because I know I have gained at least 5 lbs), I am the world's biggest miserable lump. Weight definitely affects my mood and I wish it didn't.
Betsy and her boyfriend were visiting this weekend, but I hardly got to see them. I hope Betsy visits soon. I hate feeling not extremely close to my siblings and I ache for more time spent together. I am too much of a "feeler". I wish I wasn't so relationship/emotion oriented. Blah.
I have to finish getting ready for work. I will try to blog more often because this is somewhat of a release to me.
Oh, my final grades this semester were so much better than I usually get!
A+ in joke computer class
B+
B-
A
Yeah! I am bitter I haven't applied myself the whole time. And if I wouldn't have given up prematurely this semester, I definitely would have had another A.
Later.
Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to my best friend and the most wonderful person I know.<3
Anyway, I had a day 1/2 of eating normally and then my stomach was SO distended and I had a freak out. My stomach is always distended after a meal but after eating normally, I SERIOUSLY looked pregnant. If there's one thing that triggers me, it's clothes being tight or feeling my stomach rub against my pants or whatever. I cried, and laid in bed, and fell asleep. Then, I went out with Danielle and her boyfriend, which distracted me momentarily. I did feel super tired and a little weak,though. That made me mad and confused because I was thinking that I actually had been asymptomatic for a period of time and should feel great. I could have still been dehydrated (as I am pretty sure I constantly am) and maybe that's what was causing me to feel that way.
I cancelled my game night due to feeling ill and knew I was going home to just binge and purge. I couldn't wait to have the house alone (because family was at the Pirates game) and I went to town. I started sweating at some point after purging and was worried I was getting dizzy. I did it again and was miserable and laid around for the rest of the night. Today I tried to eat a normal breakfast and have to work in an hour. I hate being in a miserable mood at work, which is most of the time. When I am restricting and losing weight, I feel okay. When I know I have gained weight (which I can't even bear to weigh myself because I know I have gained at least 5 lbs), I am the world's biggest miserable lump. Weight definitely affects my mood and I wish it didn't.
Betsy and her boyfriend were visiting this weekend, but I hardly got to see them. I hope Betsy visits soon. I hate feeling not extremely close to my siblings and I ache for more time spent together. I am too much of a "feeler". I wish I wasn't so relationship/emotion oriented. Blah.
I have to finish getting ready for work. I will try to blog more often because this is somewhat of a release to me.
Oh, my final grades this semester were so much better than I usually get!
A+ in joke computer class
B+
B-
A
Yeah! I am bitter I haven't applied myself the whole time. And if I wouldn't have given up prematurely this semester, I definitely would have had another A.
Later.
Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to my best friend and the most wonderful person I know.<3
Friday, May 4, 2012
How I've been spending my summer break
Well, it's been hard to give up the structure of having somewhere to be weekly for classes. I have been trying to fill my time, but for a little while, I was definitely losing it.
1) Trying to not binge/purge. I had a really long period of being symptomatic. Toward the end of school I got really stressed about grades and finishing classes that I panicked and kind of self-handicapped-- so my grades are worse than they should have been. I started b/ping to deal with anxiety and it just turned into a vicious cycle since I would feel gross and fat and just kept saying "fuck it". I have been b/p free since Wednesday,though.
2) Appointments. I have no idea what to do about counseling. I have not been too thrilled with things between Jennie and me, so I saw Gina yesterday for a session. It was okay but I don't know I should go back to her either. I left for a reason. AH. My natural reaction is "Okay, no counseling!" but I know that's probably not the right answer. I saw my doctor this week and had a freak out because she walked in the room congratulating me for gaining 2 pounds. After she sent me the negative blood work results, I told her I would try harder. SO, she thought the gain was from a conscious effort and didn't know it was from bingeing and purging. Blah. I seriously was having a meltdown over that but have been trying to go back to my routine in effort to naturally lose the 2. My doctor was telling me I cannot healthily lose more weight and have my body be okay, which was hard to hear. She said there are 2 paths and what I want is not what my body wants.
3) Work. I am getting 12 hours and probably need to look for an additional job. Especially because Ohio wants 200 a month as of June 1st. Greattttt. I want to look into work study at Pitt, but I don't know if it's too late for the summer. WPIC also has not called me back about volunteering and I am a little frustrated.
4) Trying to keep busy. I try to see as many friends as possible per week so I don't go insane. I am not a big reader but I bought the Hunger Games trilogy and, to my surprise, I am enjoying it so far. I also have been exercising a bit which feeds my soul. Love the release. I made vegan chocolate chip scones yesterday and was SO proud. They are awesome. And I ate 2. I tricked myself to thinking they are healthy because vegan...but not necessarily true because they still have sugar and white flour. And vegan margarine. Whatever. I want to look up more yummy recipes and try cooking/baking. I have a feeling getting into that stuff and making things I feel good about would help me to get better. Feeling good about what I am eating, although rare, is the best feeling. I wish I could go vegan but I don't think I can due to a lot of foods I love having dairy in them. :(
My sister is visiting this weekend and I am nervous I can't stick to my exercise/food routine. She has/had an ED and I know will be extra aware. Boo. We'll see. I am super excited to see her.though. She doesn't get home from CA too too often.
TGIF, ya'll.
1) Trying to not binge/purge. I had a really long period of being symptomatic. Toward the end of school I got really stressed about grades and finishing classes that I panicked and kind of self-handicapped-- so my grades are worse than they should have been. I started b/ping to deal with anxiety and it just turned into a vicious cycle since I would feel gross and fat and just kept saying "fuck it". I have been b/p free since Wednesday,though.
2) Appointments. I have no idea what to do about counseling. I have not been too thrilled with things between Jennie and me, so I saw Gina yesterday for a session. It was okay but I don't know I should go back to her either. I left for a reason. AH. My natural reaction is "Okay, no counseling!" but I know that's probably not the right answer. I saw my doctor this week and had a freak out because she walked in the room congratulating me for gaining 2 pounds. After she sent me the negative blood work results, I told her I would try harder. SO, she thought the gain was from a conscious effort and didn't know it was from bingeing and purging. Blah. I seriously was having a meltdown over that but have been trying to go back to my routine in effort to naturally lose the 2. My doctor was telling me I cannot healthily lose more weight and have my body be okay, which was hard to hear. She said there are 2 paths and what I want is not what my body wants.
3) Work. I am getting 12 hours and probably need to look for an additional job. Especially because Ohio wants 200 a month as of June 1st. Greattttt. I want to look into work study at Pitt, but I don't know if it's too late for the summer. WPIC also has not called me back about volunteering and I am a little frustrated.
4) Trying to keep busy. I try to see as many friends as possible per week so I don't go insane. I am not a big reader but I bought the Hunger Games trilogy and, to my surprise, I am enjoying it so far. I also have been exercising a bit which feeds my soul. Love the release. I made vegan chocolate chip scones yesterday and was SO proud. They are awesome. And I ate 2. I tricked myself to thinking they are healthy because vegan...but not necessarily true because they still have sugar and white flour. And vegan margarine. Whatever. I want to look up more yummy recipes and try cooking/baking. I have a feeling getting into that stuff and making things I feel good about would help me to get better. Feeling good about what I am eating, although rare, is the best feeling. I wish I could go vegan but I don't think I can due to a lot of foods I love having dairy in them. :(
My sister is visiting this weekend and I am nervous I can't stick to my exercise/food routine. She has/had an ED and I know will be extra aware. Boo. We'll see. I am super excited to see her.though. She doesn't get home from CA too too often.
TGIF, ya'll.
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