"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."
[Red Jumpsuit Apparatus]
^Lately I have been jamming to music from my high school days and it's been enjoyable despite it making me feel old. These lyrics I especially like and feel like it kinds of sums up my ED. The song is about an abusive relationship I think, but according to my therapist, the ED is parallel to an abusive relationship in many ways.
Anyway, I am skipping class to try to finish a paper that was due Tuesday(!). AH. He said I can turn it in when I want, but he probably didn't expect it to take this long. I am lucky he's being so understanding. He may take points off but I am not sure. I think professors are being extra flexible because of the chaos the past month or so. I also said I haven't been feeling well (which there's truth to that, especially given last week's events) and could provide a doctor's note if necessary. I don't want to always fall back on the excuse of an ED, but really it does so affect my school work. I am lucky I have gotten as far as I did this semester because these past few weeks it's been way harder to accomplish anything.
Yesterday I had a pretty good day! I woke up and went to the orthodontist with my mom and we discussed jaw surgery further. He said if I want to shoot for December we need to get the process started with braces in the next few weeks. If I decide to do it for sure, he said I can wait to decide who the surgeon is going to be and that he felt comfortable with either one. My mom's big concern is that the healthcare bill will be repealed and I will be out of insurance. God, please, if I could pray for one thing right now it would be that I can stay on my parent's insurance until 26. I won't finish school for a bit and if anyone needs his or her insurance, it's me. Between therapy, doctor's appointments, and this surgery, I really need it...not to mention coverage for inpatient/partial coverage for a partial program if I need it. I don't plan to ever go back to treatment, but I guess it'd be nice to have that option in case things slip pretty badly. After the appointment, I got oatmeal with my mom and went to Target. Then, I met Megan at Mad Mex. It was really good! I feel really comfortable talking to her one-on-one. When we're at work and a lot of younger people are around, I don't talk to her much and find that she's kind of different in front of people. By herself,though, she is a really good listener and fun to be around. I hope she actually enjoyed getting dinner with me and didn't a) feel obligated or b) try to get some dirt to tell my coworkers. I really doubt it. It is horrible that I even think that way. I felt bad because we pretty much talked about my eating disorder the whole time. I KNOW how draining it is to listen to me and how helpless my friends can feel. It's a super tough place for them to be in and it's hard for me to feel like I am affecting my friendships and worrying/frustrating people but not necessarily knowing how to stop myself from doing what I am doing. Megan said that I seem to be very insightful by realizing that eating too much makes me anxious which makes me restrict. I guess I don't realize how much I do understand about my eating disorder, even if I don't necessarily know WHY I do something.After that, I went home and did a little work and then went to Sheetz with LSenn:) It was so nice to spend time with her. I have felt really isolated from her and feel like her boyfriend has taken my place. I know that's probably not true but it's hard not to feel that way, and it's even harder because I don't even like him that much. I think she deserves the world and a lot of interactions I have seen between them have not pleased me. She definitely expressed her concern last night and said to be careful because I am looking too thin. The scale STILL says only 12 pounds lost...that reading that said 14 lbs that one time must have been a fluke. I really should only weigh myself once a week. Obviously I think I am overestimating calories burned because my net calorie amount should make anyone lose weight. I get that starvation mode can cause anyone to hold onto weight, but eventually, it doesn't matter because when there's a deficit of calories the body WILL lose weight. As I have told a few people, at this point, I am not necessarily dying to lose weight (although clearly I wouldn't be upset) but am TERRIFIED to gain weight because I am finally feeling better about my clothes fitting. I am rather sure if I ate a normal amount, I would gain it all back. I feel bad for worrying Laura and other friends, but I don't know what to do! I know they can't save me and as much as some days I want my life back and realize this is a HUGE waste of time, the desire to be thin outweighs this (no pun intended) on other days! It is so much harder than just saying you want to stop--it honestly feels like the devil is controlling me some days.
Today I feel like I have binged. I ate a granola bar AND this nutrition bar totaling 340 calories PLUS some calories from yesterday that carried over andddd I already have my dinner planned out at Pita Pit. Also, I usually get hungry and eat a Luna Bar(or two) at night before bed. I cannot control myself lately. I have already pushed some calories eaten today into the weekend. Ridiculous. No wonder i haven't lost more weight. Good lord.
I hope to go to the gym during my last class. So, basically I came to Oakland today to do homework and go to the gym. Genuius, Ellen. Waste parking garage money and gas to come. Well, I hope I am more productive than I would've been just sitting at home. I better go do something. I still need to look into summer classes. Part of me doesn't want to do any because I want to work more and god knows how well I will concentrate on classes given how it's been going lately. Knowing ON, I will get like 12 hours a week anyway so I should prob just sign up for classes. They'd only be until end of june anyway I believe. I don't know if its worth it to pay for only 2 classes in the summer if I don't get financial aid, which I don't think I will. I guess its two less classes to be taken next year?
Have a good Thursday, everyone. Danielle and I are hanging out after Cristina and I go to Pita Pit. Hopefully we find something fun to do--I think we're gonna paint our nails and maybe peruse the mall.
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