Trauma class

So, I am liking my summer class so far! It's very interesting...and I think I found a new therapist. I didn't go in with any intentions of soliciting a therapist, obviously,but she has brought up clients with eating disorders several times and I couldn't help but think she'd be a wonderful therapist for me. So, I asked. It's unethical to see me during this class as it's a conflict of interest, but after it's done, I am going to start. This excites me...but also makes me uneasy because I love Jennie as a person and don't want to tell her I am leaving. I hope that if it doesn't work out with Elizabeth I can go back to Jennie. Gosh, these all sound like relationships haha.

She seems rich and is super thin,though. So, I am afraid she will judge me like "oh, she's fat and ugly and has braces". And poor. Oh, man. I wish I could shut my thoughts off.

I have still been on a binge/purge train wreck. Today was the first day in a while I restricted/exercised back in my normal routine. I don't know what the hell I want. Well, I KNOW what I want--I just can't have both. I wish there were a way I could be thin and healthy and happy. The problem happens when I actually try to eat normally and do the work of getting better. I feel incredibly disgusting and alone and nothing/no one can take away my pain and discomfort. So, I decide it's better to control my weight. I go back and forth so much in my head about what I should do that it's a daily battle. When I think about school and my career aspirations, I KNOW I NEED to stop this damn eating disorder. It's prevented me from doing well at PItt, being happy there, going to class, finish semesters, etc. I need no more evidence. I could be healthy and do well and *Hopefully* get into a grad school program. My dream is a PsyD program,but that's a really long shot. Regardless, I know I need to be healthy to a) get into grad school because I need to be well enough to raise my Pitt grades and b) help myself before I can help anyone else. But why oh why does being thin and having loose clothes feel more important sometimes? I can't describe the discomfort of clothes feeling tight. I turn into this miserable wreck who hates the world. I wore the same outfit a few days in a row and cried to my mom yesterday saying I feel disgusting. I was emotional because I started my period but I still meant everything I said. It's so hard for her to understand. She told me maybe I just have to learn to live with this ED and I just stomped upstairs still crying. I am sure it's extra hard to see your daughter think she's ugly and fat for years and years--you probably feel helpless.

I am LOVING the Hunger Games Trilogy. I am going to be seriously devastated when I finish the 3rd one. The premise sounded so dumb, but I have gotten really into them! I need to see the movie now. My mom's so happy I am finally reading some fiction--it's funny.

I liked a kid...for about a day. Boys are so stupid. It was Laura's friend and he flirted with my and held my hand while drinking one night. I'm sorry, but please don't do that if you're drunk and don't like someone. I got the wrong impression (easy to do) and tried to invite him to lunch. He didn't really respond and Laura told me he was just drunk touchy and thinks I am nice,though. Whatever. Most drunk guys don't go around holding hands of girls. Stupid men. I swear no one is ever interested in me.

I am having friend problems now and don't feel like getting into it, but someone is mad at me and I think is being very unfair. Typical. I have few good friends and some don't even live here. Lame. My mom said to forget about fair-weathered friends and stop hanging out with people who aren't good friends, even if it means staying home often. She's probably right. I am so sick of judging my worth by how many friends I have and most of them aren't even real friends. Good friends are so rare.

One thing I learned in class today that was super helpful was that an event in itself isn't traumatic; it's your reaction to an event that makes it traumatic or not. This is so helpful. I always told my past therapists that what happened to me at the frat party wasn't rape therefore "shouldn't" be a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal because if it weren't, it wouldn't still affect me.