Bad Body Image

Ugh. I recognize that an eating disorder certainly is not about food/weight/appearance but manifests in that way. It is really just a way to cover up much deeper issues. However, if my body image was not affected by this, I feel it would be so much easier to recover. Today was one of those days where everything I put on felt tight. I just wanted to lie in bed all day and wished I had size 22 pants to put on to go to work. Some have suggested I buy clothes a size or two big, but I am not sure that would comfort me. It would take care of the extreme discomfort I have when I feel my stomach pressing on the button of my jeans or my jeans squeezing my thigh fat. Eek.

So, it has not been such a great day, but I did get some homework done. I am still pretty behind on readings and stuff,though. I don't know what I waste my time doing, but it always seems like there isn't enough time in the day. If I worked more or took more classes, I don't know what I would do.

My mood has been better since my last post. Thank God. I am not sure why I felt so low so fast. I am never chipper and love myself, but that was a sudden change. It's scary. I feel like since I feel better now it could seem like I do that for attention or something, but those feelings are so real. In that moment (and still sometimes on a daily basis it creeps back into my head briefly) it seemed like an option to end my life and end the pain. I do feel very depressed that I am 23, am just getting older, haven't graduated, hated college, have spent 7 years trying to be perfect and didn't enjoy the time with my parents and friends more. The solution, rationally, is to MOVE THE EFF ON and give this thing up....and enjoy the time i have now because I can't change the past. Oddly, it seems to make me want to stay sick sometimes. It's like I am too bitter.

I keep wanting to lose weight. Oh gosh, especially when it gets warm out and I can run (which is a ways away) I get so obsessed with it. Obviously, I have no self-control or I'd be thin, but losing weight takes up most of my thoughts. I know there's a part of me that KNOWS I won't be happy 20 lbs less, but there's a part of me that wants to try. I wasn't happy when anorexic, but I claim I was happier. I don't know what would account for that,though.

Blah, I have to work. I hate going to work because I feel like I have to look nice and act like I am in a good mood. Let's be honest--99% of the time I don't want to be there and am not in a good mood. I like to fold in kids and baby area and hide. They asked me if I wanted cash register trained the other day (yes, I have been there over a year) and I just said I don't care. It was ridiculous and I could not make a decision. I feel like the part of me that hates change just busted in there. It was like I am afraid I won't be "perfect" at the register and would mess up, so I'd rather stick to just folding. I am so crazy. Whatever.

I swear one of these days I'll have a positive post. I feel bad if anyone actually reads this because it's like complaining all the time, but I try to remember the point of this IS for me to vent on a semi-private forum.

Okay, well, I am gonna go. If I have time before bed, I will write some more.

glimmer of hope

I happened to be on Facebook tonight after crying, reading old depressing notes, and just feeling lifeless and hopeless. I was actually googling "I feel suicidal" to try to talk me down.

I wrote on LUNA's Page a few weeks ago (you know, the maker of awesome nutrition bars) to say thanks for their product, and as someone who is recovering from an ED, there bars are one thing I feel good about eating.

I just noticed I had a Facebook message that I am not sure how I missed from January 12:

• Melissa Paulo

  • Hi Ellen!
    
    My name is Melissa Paulo and I'm with the LUNA team. I was really touched by your story and we'd like to send you a little something in the mail. Please send your preferred mailing address to lunabarpromos@gmail.com
    
    Thanks, Ellen!
    
    Cheers,
    the LUNA team

    
    

    <<<------No my problems aren't solved, but I found the gesture touching. I feel like someone out there who doesn't know me cares. Thank you, God for allowing me to get through another day.

  
  

Depression

I have been extremely depressed the past 2 days. And I almost don't want to feel better. Because if I feel better I know it's only temporary. I have been suicidal only a few times in my life. It was horrible but it's almost worse to get back to that point after feeling hope again. Hence why I almost don't want to feel better. I know it's just a temporary fix and only a matter of time before I am back in the pit of despair. My parents are the one thing that would totally prevent me from doing something stupid. And the fact that I just couldn't go through with it. Sometimes I think I want to die when my parents die anyway because I feel it'd be too hard with them gone. Yes, I know that's irrational. I'm crazy, remember? And I know it would tear my parents (and friends) apart if something ever happened to me. This is why I am rational. I know people say suicide is selfish. I agree and disagree at the same time. Before I had experienced an ED and depression, I would have completely agreed with that statement and would have found the idea of suicide unfathomable. I have since experienced a lot of emotional pain (and I by no means am claiming to be alone or try to be dramatic) and have found it unbearable at times. Like there's no hope for me. I'll never be truly happy or normal or okay. I hope I snap out of this mood. I just want to go to bed and wake up when it's warm and I am happy and forget Im 23, still in school, without a boyfriend, still in my ED, ruining relationships, being a stress on my parents, being maladaptive, not working in retail, so "behind" in life,etc. Gonna TRY to do some school work and soothe myself with TV or something. I want to binge and purge so fucking bad...but I live at home. I already did today once at school and missed my 1st class.:( I have no idea if my mood swings are being completely caused by depression, my med, or the eating behaviors.

My Dr said to call her if I feel worse tmrw. She also said soon Ill be 24 and the Effexor won't have a risk for making me suicidal. Hm, not much is gonna change in 6 months? But, I trust her and she has a medical degree; whereas, I do not. Blah.

*disclaimer:if anyone reads this I am not ACTIVELY suicidal so please do not freak out or call 911 or anything crazy...I informed my Dr and therapist and am going to let them know if things become more serous. I am just venting*

“You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before. People take the feeling of full for granted. They take for granted the feeling of steadiness, of hands that do not shake, heads that do not ache, throats not raw with bile and small rips of fingernails forced to haste to the gag spot. Stomachs that do not begin to wake up in the night, calves and thighs knotting in muscles that are beginning to eat away at themselves. they may or may not be awakened at night by their own inexplicable sobs.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir Of Anorexia And Bulimia

Wednesdays always get me

There's something about Wednesdays lately. I think every Wednesday since the semester started has been especially challenging...especially this week and last week. Today I wasn't as emotional as last week but I still wore sweatpants, felt really depressed, and binged and purged before class. My emotions are all over the place. You think being on an antidepressant would stabilize my mood more, but right now I feel pretty depressed. I just can never picture myself being truly happy, normal, or successful. I get so sad thinking about how i was 16/17 and seemed to blink and be 23 and a half. I feel like I've stayed stuck that age mentally and emotionally and haven't progressed since the eating disorder took over my life. Yes, I have the freedom to change this. It's hard, though when your motivation waxes and wanes and you usually just cannot see a good future for yourself. I figure that even if I get through college, I prob won't get into a good grad school program. Even if I get my master's in counseling, i'll still not be making enough money to live comfortably. Plus, I don't know if I'll even be good at that given my history.

Blah. I'm like depressing as hell today. I just feel pretty hopeless. As I have expressed before, I always need something to look forward to in my life to get out of bed in the morning. Like today, I have been looking forward to seeing Danielle tomorrow. If I have nothing, well, it's either planning weight loss goals (that I will undoubtedly fail at) or comforting myself with food...or purging my emotions through purging. I know I need HEALTHY coping mechanisms. Ugh, I should go do homework. I am so not in the mood. Probably will watch TV and try to cheer myself up somehow. The one thing keeping me going is that my parents have done SO much for me in my life and would be devastated if something ever happened to me, through my ED or not through it, or if I throw my life away.

Can't let myself

I've been gone for a few days...jeez. I like to post every day because it's an outlet. Let's see...what did I do this weekend. Friday I had plans to meet my friend,Kate, in the Southside. We were going to go to dinner and see her ex-boyfriend play at The Smiling Moose. It was supposed to snow a lot...which it did...so we didn't end up going. I went over Danielle's instead. We made cupcakes and watched Doug and she helped me study. It was a really good time. I was bummed about having to stay in from the snow and always have fun with Danielle....so it was really good. She's one of the few friends I really feel like myself around and I never have felt like she's EVER judged me for what I eat/don't eat/having an eating disorder.

Saturday I worked 5-9 then got coffee with Kristen. It was good. We focus so much on negative things, which can be depressing, but it was good still. I also went to hot yoga that day with my cousin. I am not a big yoga fan but thought I'd give it a try. I sweat like a pig and was so surprised I didn't pass out. It kind of felt cleansing but it's always hard for me to not let my mind wander off. That's why I like fast-paced stuff like jogging and spinning a lot more. I may give it another try,though. I was surprisingly sore afterward. Today I went to the gym for a little(finally) and then worked 230-630. I got dinner with my parents and then saw Laura for our weekly Sheetz date.:) Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. I still need to do homework, but lucky for me, I have Mondays off. I ate semi-normally this weekend with the exception of the last binge/purge, which was Friday I believe. I can't stand how I feel when I eat normally. It's like I feel more energized and in a better mood, but my mind automatically says I can't do this and I ALWAYS backpedal. I feel too guilty on the days that I am not bingeing and purging or restricting. It's like I need to be punishing myself by bingeing/purging and still getting that release or trying to restrict myself to skinny. Eating normally is so foreign to me after all these years. I just feel like I can't do it. Recovery is going to be such a bitch. If I ever fully get there, it will be such an accomplishment.

While I know I'll never be truly happy with this or I won't reach my goals, part of me still wants to stay sick and it's mainly out of fear. Makes no rational sense, but who ever said this was rational? There is a sick part of me that still wants to look like I did at 17 and anorexic. I have never let that bitterness go and I hang onto that mental image always hoping that one day I'll get back there and "try it out" one more time. I hate myself when I don't have the self- control to starve myself back to 100 lbs. It's sick.

Well, I better go. I want to wake up for spinning class tomorrow and have to be there at 830. Peace.

Pain

I know I have been super emotional lately, but today I just feel so sad and in pain. Like I never ever feel at peace and I just always have to have something to look forward to. It's wrong. I live to see Julie, or Laura, or Ruth, or Danielle, but when I am not with someone and temporarily distracted, I often want to die.(not really...so don't get alarmed) I just am tired of living this life and often wonder if things will ever get better. I KNOW that I have some power in this situation and can't pretend I am a helpless victim. I just can never picture myself normal, happy, and healthy, and that worries me. I feel like I'll be this way forever. God help me. I hate not being able to sit with myself and be at peace. I am either obsessing about food, being anxious, worrying about my parents dying some day, obsessing about how there could be bugs on me or in my room, or trying to find something to look forward to and get me through another day. Gosh, I am crazy. I'm sorry if anyone is actually reading this. The funny thing is I censor this to an extent and leave out some details. No one probably would actually want to be friends with me if they knew me inside and out.

In the nights that I am crying myself to sleep, I often wonder if God can hear me. I have this false belief that if was real and he loved me, he'd take the pain away and I wouldn't feel so alone and broken. In reality, I am wrong and suffering can be a spiritual gift. It's so hard to see it that way. Ruth gave me a good prayer to say today when I am having those nights. It's great. (I can't. You Must. Im yours. Show me the way.) I will try to say that as I am anxious/upset trying to fall asleep.

I am so bad at comforting myself. My therapist said its common for people with EDs to not be good at soothing themselves so they turn to food or lack thereof or exercise or what not to soothe them. Thats how I feel. Today I didn't binge and purge but I feel gross for eating a big dinner.

I feel empty and alone and don't feel like doing homework. I wanted to go to Danielle's so badly just to be in good company and get out of my head. I didn't feel like dealing with my parents,though. Yes, I am 23 and sometimes get treated like I am 12.

I've been terribly negative lately...I apologize. It's not like anyone really reads this,though. I thought about giving my therapist the link, but thats probably a bad idea. I would probably censor myself then.

Off to try to do some homework when I really just want to hide and sleep for the next 500 years. I am SO maladaptive. See why I say I'll never be normal?

:(

Oh, Tina’s losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music
Hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery
And a new nose
Every calorie is a war
While she wishes she
Was a dancer
And that she'd never
Heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her
Some answers
And make her feel beautiful

[Chorus]

One day
You'll have to let it go,
Oh
One day
You'll stand up on your own, you'll stand up on your own

[Our Lady Peace]

Sweatpants kind of day

When I wear sweatpants, 9 times out of 10, it is a bad sign. Today, and recently, I have been so focused on my seemingly expanding body. I like to pick out outfits even when I am not satisfied with my body because, let's be honest, that's never. Between my skin making me feel ugly and my horrible body image, today I chose a hoodie and sweatpants and a really puffy coat to hide under. No, that doesn't make me feel better but I suppose it's better than feeling my shirt press on my stomach or my thigh fat bust through my jeans.

I saw both my doctor and therapist today. My doctor is wonderful and has so much patience for me. It took me a bit to get comfortable with her, but for the past 8 months or so, she's been the one person I'm honest with and really trust. My therapist I haven't known that long so we're still kind of feeling things out. Today's session was okay,though, because I was emotionally vulnerable with her for once. I just pretty much cried. It was good to let go and not feel like I had to pretend I was fine. So often I pretend I am doing well and slap on a smile when I am screaming on the inside. I kind of understand why now. I texted a friend earlier and when I mentioned something about feeling clothes being tighter, she responded quickly and said good night. To me, who is a big overanalyzer, that sounded extremely dismissive and like she didn't want to deal with my irrationality. I felt a little hurt and invalidated. I don't expect someone to sit there for hours as I complain or to say, you're right, your clothes are tighter. I don't know what I feel I needed from her. But the good night response really felt like okay, i don't want to deal with you. Gosh, why do I let people in? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe they have seen enough of the eating disorder(understandably) but I am allowed to struggle. This particular friend I never text or complain about the ED anymore, at least via text or anything.

I did make it to class tonight and didn't do any better with food today. But, just as I was about to chalk this day up to total crap, Laura texted me and wanted to hang out at Sheetz. Thank. the.Lord. I was feeling so depressed and alone and after chatting with her and laughing (and opening up about how I am really doing), I feel so much better...at least for now...which is all I can ask for.

I still really need to get back on track with the gym and food. My doctor suggested seeing a nutritionist again, but a) I hate talking about food and never found it extremely helpful in the past and b) I think I cut the ties with my old one so I don't know who I'd see. Trust me, there are very limited good ones in Pittsburgh.

I need to be more on track with school work,too. I just am always tired or thinking about something else. The one class, Social Theory, I have been avoiding doing the readings because when I tried, I wanted to cry. Reading for the other classes is not bad. Why I picked a Sociology major is beyond me. It's not even very interesting to me. It just didn't make sense to minor in anything else because there was either no interest or it was not related to Psychology in the least.

Well, I better go try to get some sleep. I hope my anxiety and emotions calm down so I can get some rest. Trazodone, kick in fast.

true life:i run from emotions

Yeah. I hate that I am so programmed to numb out through unhealthy coping mechanisms that I often do not know how I am feeling. Then, eventually, I break down and am not too sure why. Last night I was crying as I was falling asleep and a lot of it was legitimate worries, but it was out of the blue. Granted I get emotional when I get my period, but still. Then, Julie and I were talking tonight and I just started crying. I was kind of upset, but I feel like a lot of times I don't "feel" things and it builds up. A balloon can only hold so much air before it pops. It's just a matter of time.

Regardless, I had a good time hanging out with Julie.:) Part of me, in my dumb head, is often sad that things aren't the way they used to be and compares things to the past. Life is ever-changing and my eating disorder is the one thing that is and has kept me stuck. Between that and being a person that hates/has a hard time adjusting to change, it is veryyy hard for me when things aren't the way they were. With that being said, I eventually get used to things. Change does not necessarily equal bad, and that's what I can't get through my head, for any circumstance. It's frustrating. Whether it's my time spent with Julie or my childhood or time in college, I often think, jeez, I wish I would have enjoyed it more at the time, and I didn't know what I would later miss. I suspect the same will be true for these years if I continue to do this.

I don't think I am making any sense--I just wanted to post quickly before bed. I had a long day between classes, volunteering an hour with my friend, and doing a homework assignment. I have been not doing well with food, like I've said. I've been bingeing and purging more and don't have enough solid meals. I swear--bingeing,purging, or restricting. No in between. It's like banging my head against a wall. Tomorrow's a new day.

Fall seven times and stand up eight.

All-or-nothing thinking

Today has been a pretty okay day so far. I have been SO lazy,though. Why do I have an all-or-nothing attitude about EVERYTHING? With food,exercise, and school I tend to be really bad. If I am not dieting/restricting, I am letting myself eat whatever and I FEEL so much fatter, even when I am not necessarily bingeing. Also, with the gym I tend to never go unless I can go like 5-7 days a week. I am crazy. In reality, 2 or 3 days of exercise would be better than nothing. I always say, oh well, I'll binge and purge today and start again with gym/restricting tomorrow. Gosh darn it. Why can't I just say tomorrow I am going to be HEALTHY and eat normally? What is normal anyway? RCC wanted me to come home and stay on 2,600 calories when any online site says that I will continue to GAIN weight on that number? So complicated.

Anyway, today I got lunch at Qdoba with Laura and we walked around the mall. It was so nice to get to see her last night and today. Since she works full-time now and attends grad school and sees her boyfriend on the weekend, there is not a ton of free time for us to hang out. So twice in one week=awesome. She's one of those great friends that I just feel myself around.

Ugh. I just got called into work. It's only 4 hours and I desperately need the money. I am just afraid because I am already getting behind on schoolwork. It's really just reading and stuff, but still. I NEED to get my grades up a really significant amount in the next 3-4 semesters before I'd even be considered for a grad school program. Why did I let my e.d. ruin my GPA? Blah! I am trying to stay positive,though because if I ruminate on the negative, I will surely give up.

Well, I better go start some reading. I keep thinking about the damn burrito sitting inside of me and how fat I feel. This is where a lot of my problems concentrating happen. I wish I could play Pandora in the background, but that usually distracts me too much.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Lethargy

Okay, so I didn't get a chance to add to yesterday's post, but I am still feeling pretty similarly. In my eating disorder, I have two modes. For the first year of my eating disorder, I was strictly restrictive.(anorexic) Since, I have had two modes--I am either in restrictive mode and limit my calories to a number on a weight loss level. Or, I screw up and binge and purge and go on a path of "fuck it" mode. I eat whatever I want and kind of say oh well, I'll be fat forever. I am constantly in one or the other. I flip flop between bingeing,purging, and restricting. Over the summer, it was mainly restriction and I got to a weight range I hadn't been to since high school. Then, I went to treatment and gained it back. Sigh. Okay, enough about my eating disorder, although it's hard not to mention because it's still a big part of my life, unfortunately.

I am so excited that I calculated I can graduate next spring if I take 12-13 credits over the summer, I get through this current semester, and I take 14-15 credits for the last 2 semesters. I know it would still be 2 years late, so it's like what's the big excitement? When you've taken off as many semesters as I have or dropped as many classes as I have, you'll understand. This should be a huge motivation for me and part of me is like okay, don't screw it up! I mean it is motivation for me. There is still always a disconnect between my thoughts and my actions, though. Because technically motivation to finish school has always been there for me, but it doesn't mean it's helped me enough to be able to just get better. I should post something in my room like grad school programs or something Pitt related to help motivate me. That along with the Ohio bill and I should never want to binge/purge/restrict ever again! haha.

Anyway, today I am just in a blah mood. Body image is super bad as usual but trying to ignore it. I ate a normal breakfast today and kept it down...so there's a good thing. It's almost impossible,though to use symptoms while my parents are home. My dad my retire in April and I am going to CRAZY with both parents home. I could look to move out but I am broke, have no one to live with, and it may make sense to wait until Grad School. I don't know what would be better for me. I have to work today 530-930 and am kind of dreading it. I don't like retail to begin with, but I feel a pressure to look nice and to always be in a good mood, when I am miserable and want to stay in bed. I cannot wait to have a real job some day and be done with minimum wage jobs. I don't want to wish my life away,however. I have been realizing more and more lately that if I continue numbing myself out with my unhealthy coping mechanisms, I am not truly living, and am going to wake up 35 one day and wonder where the years went. The past 7 have already been such a blur and I don't want that to happen for longer.

I don't have many weekend plans. Tonight after work I may get coffee with Kristen,which should be fun. Then tomorrow I work 2-6 and will probably go to Sheetz with Laura for our weekly chat sesh. I really enjoy those. Laura is one of those friends that has known me before the ED and knows who I really am, thank god. The friends I have meant in college I feel like might have gotten a glimpse of who I really am, but unfortunately have seen an Ellen pretty entrenched in her disorder. Of course, like that's what I talked about 90 percent of this blog post, but it's what's in my head. This blog is to help me vent anyway, so I see no problem.

Well, I better go start some homework and get ready for the day seeing as it's almost 2PM.

Dull day

I will continue this post later, but right now I needed to vent before I go out with my friend. I ate a normal lunch and dinner today despite feeling disgusting and bingeing last night. I cannot keep food in my room. I am so sick of always starving, bingeing,or purging. It would make SO much more sense to just eat "normally", but that's not as easy as it seems. An eating disorder, by definition, is irrational so it makes sense why I can't just "snap out of it." (and believe me, I've been told that) I freaking would if I could...and would have 7 years ago!

Okay...Ill edit this post laster:)

Losing my mind

So, I am losing my mind.(well, not really) That ship sailed a long time ago. Haha. I just don't know why I have been so forgetful lately. It's not like I can blame it on severe restriction or anything. Tuesday, like I mentioned in yesterday's post, I left my debit card in the ATM machine. This morning, I get all the way to Oakland before realizing I didn't have my backpack. If I didn't have a 2 hour break between classes I might have roughed it. I decided to drive all the way back home and get my books, which made me miss my first class. My severe all-or-nothing/ black and white/ perfectionistic thinking tempted me to skip all classes since I missed one, but I recognized how much more screwed I would be.

Now I am on my break and just feel kind of exhausted from this week. I have been being a ditz, my mom had surgery and not only is she home 24/7 anyway, but she now can't drive or walk really for a week or 2, I am stressed about money and school, I have binged and purged twice this week(although way better than in the past), and am trying to eat enough that I can hold it together but not enough that I am disgusted with my body. This leads to a very stressed and moody Ellen. I was walking back from class yesterday and thinking rationally and was telling myself "Self, yes, you want to lose weight and be thin and blah blah blah, BUT how much more disappointed will you be if you end up back in treatment over the summer(even if I completed the semester in the best case scenario)? You think it's way more important now, but in the long run, school is far more important...so don't screw it up!" It's funny how I have those moments of clarity, but still choose to act how I act. Ultimately, I KNOW I have to do all the work/be uncomfortable/accept my body myself and no one else could do it for me. I really wish someone could. There's something about the idea of me having to wake up and decide every day that I will eat 3 meals and not purge and stay hydrated that seems way too daunting. I know if someone else could take away the pain and discomfort and recover for me, my parents or someone would have by now.

Blah. I am hungry and not too focused. This would be a good opportunity for a lunch break, but I am eating dinner with Danielle tonight and the website does not have calories, so I will save most of my daily allotment for that meal. It sucks more places do not have vegetarian options--it drives me nuts.

My head is just spinning a thousand miles an hour. I hardly have been going to the gym at all. Like once or twice a week, and when I do, it's a spinning class. I never feel good enough. Ever. Even if I went to the gym 7 times a week, it wouldn't be long enough. I guess that's true with a lot of things. I always tell myself if I lose X amount of pounds, I will be happy. I should realize this about myself and set more realistic standards.

One final vent and then I must start some homework. Okay, part of me never wants to move out because it saves money to live with my parents. There are definitely advantages to leaving and to staying home, but I won't get into that now. The main point being that I had a friend that mentioned a few months ago she will need a roommate next year. I said that I might be interested but have to see if things are stable enough. She never mentioned it again. I should have said something these past few weeks, but she would bring up to me how she was looking for roommates on craigslist. I thought to myself that she must not want to live with me. I should have said something. It has continued to bother me so I texted and asked why she didn't mention it to me. She said something like she wasn't sure if I was still interested, and she also feels a little worried that I am still struggling to get things under control. I was kind of irritated. Granted, if I had a friend with a problem/addiciton or something, I might be leary as well of living with them. This also makes me think of the quote by Marilyn Monroe, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." I guess I was just hurt. I am not saying I definitely would have lived with her, but I feel my e.d. gets in the way of everything, and it's really hard for people to understand. Julie has been the only person I really feel completely understood, but I don't expect most people to. Maybe just to TRY to understand. I am just rambling. I guess it upsets me because it was my one chance, and I feel like at this rate I will be home until 30.

Sorry this is so disjointed. I know no one really reads this anyway except probably Liz;)

Later.

Bad day

This has been a horrible day. It included realizing my bank card was gone as I went to buy food. (God's first signal that I should not be up to no good) I realized I left it in the ATM machine yesterday, and it got sucked back in. Then, after a semi-disappointing session with Jennie, I went to try again to get food. I figured at Giant Eagle you can write a check and then I was going to get money for the parking garage at Pitt. Well, it turns out to write a check, you need your own advantage card. They gave me such hell about this. I am on my sister's advantage card...who is now in San Francisco. Luckily, I had a 10 on me, but was 98 cents short. I asked her to take anything off. I was about to cry, especially because I was holding the line up and drawing attention to my array of food. The cashier ended up paying the 98 cents and told me to apply for an advantage card next time. I was humiliated. And I did my business and feel like shit, and have to go to class now. My assignment is still not done. I hope it's due Thursday.

Man, old habits die hard.

Tomorrow's a new day,right?