First day of school

So, this is the first day of my last fall semester. (I hope) So far, I just had one class and it was literally just reading the syllabus. If i were still in the dorms or lived in Oakland, this wouldn't be annoying; however, I commute and now I am bored until my next class and have 4.5 hours to kill. I texted two people to try to plan coffee or lunch, but we will see. It's not like I even have homework to do yet.

I SHOULD try so hard to start this semester off right and follow a meal plan, however hard that may be. I still want to be in restriction mode even though I know how much I have to lose (no pun intended) this semester. I have a lot going on and can't screw it up. I am having jaw surgery in December and my doctor will absolutely not let me have it if my BMI falls below 20. Yet, like clockwork, I am calculating my calories today and had oatmeal (~400?) and have raspberries and a banana to hold me over today and MAYBE eat later, although the quantity depends on if I go to the gym or not. That's not dangerously a low amount of calories...I just hope I have the willpower to sustain it. But....that's not a good idea. I want to be strong this semester and not merely just get by. AHHHH, conflicting thoughts. Damn you, eating disorder. I basically want two different lives. I like being restrictive and feeling like I get thinner and clothes get loose and I see the number fall. I like feeling in control. I like being described as skinny. I even like when people tell me I look "too thin". YET, I also like the feeling of making dean's list, I like feeling like I will get into a master's or doctoral(psh) program, I like feeling smart, and like making my parents proud. These two worlds just cannot coexist--except I feel like I am always trying to make that happen in some shape or form.

I hope I didn't put too much on my plate this semester. I am already finding myself struggling to make a tentative schedule for all the things i want to do. It's all good stuff and God knows I love to be busy. I just don't want to be stressed and A) give up or B) stop eating and end up in the hospital from stress/electrolyte imbalance/dehydration/etc.
-internship for credit with Catholic Charities about 10 hours a week (I need 120 by end of semester)
- 4 classes
- Old Navy probably Saturdays/Sundays and maybe an occasional weeknight
- Project HEAL Pittsburgh Chapter meetings 2X a month (run by me) and fundraisers
- and I want to try work study
-and occasionally volunteer at women's shelter
^Eek. I hope I can do it. If I drop anything, I guess it will be the work study

I feel so OLD. I hate hearing everyone talk about their summers or what dorm they are in this year. I find myself resentful and bitter and the painful memories always float through my head. (frat party, taking many semesters off, bingeing and purging in my dorm room, depression, feeling isolated by "friends", skipping classes, running during when I was supposed to be in class, overdosing on sleeping pills, etc.) Oh joy. I feel like a fucking failure. 24 and still in undergrad. I have to breathe and remember my degree (and my health and well-being) is the most important thing and screw anyone else. I am here for me. I think a small part of myself is proud I AM here and didn't give up along the way. It was never an option for me to not get my degree.

Anyway, I am liking my new therapist. Sometimes I am afraid she is judging me, but I think that's just my unhealthy mind. She said something the other day that I vehemently disagreed with at first. She said since I put a lot of effort into my appearance and pride into the outfits I plan, I can't feel as disgusting as I say I do. She said there's a disconnect between feeling so disgusting and putting effort into my appearance because most people, according to her, that feel that way just wear sweatpants. SHe asked if I was "proud" of being thin. My eyes almost popped out of my head because someone calling me thin just seemed to be absurd. At first, I got defensive and thought she was saying there's no way I feel disgusting. I think she meant there is a part of me, however small, that doesn't think I am totally disgusting, and I need to try to strengthen it.I think she's right. I think a small part of me likes that I got thinner last semester and is terrified to gain a pound. I feel better (although never thin enough) about my body than when I left treatment. Was I happier when I left treatment, though? Absolutely. My mood now I feel like is always blah or anxious.

Okay. I am sick of typing. Hopefully I will blog more now that I am back in school with blocks of time to kill.