Well, it's been hard to give up the structure of having somewhere to be weekly for classes. I have been trying to fill my time, but for a little while, I was definitely losing it.
1) Trying to not binge/purge. I had a really long period of being symptomatic. Toward the end of school I got really stressed about grades and finishing classes that I panicked and kind of self-handicapped-- so my grades are worse than they should have been. I started b/ping to deal with anxiety and it just turned into a vicious cycle since I would feel gross and fat and just kept saying "fuck it". I have been b/p free since Wednesday,though.
2) Appointments. I have no idea what to do about counseling. I have not been too thrilled with things between Jennie and me, so I saw Gina yesterday for a session. It was okay but I don't know I should go back to her either. I left for a reason. AH. My natural reaction is "Okay, no counseling!" but I know that's probably not the right answer. I saw my doctor this week and had a freak out because she walked in the room congratulating me for gaining 2 pounds. After she sent me the negative blood work results, I told her I would try harder. SO, she thought the gain was from a conscious effort and didn't know it was from bingeing and purging. Blah. I seriously was having a meltdown over that but have been trying to go back to my routine in effort to naturally lose the 2. My doctor was telling me I cannot healthily lose more weight and have my body be okay, which was hard to hear. She said there are 2 paths and what I want is not what my body wants.
3) Work. I am getting 12 hours and probably need to look for an additional job. Especially because Ohio wants 200 a month as of June 1st. Greattttt. I want to look into work study at Pitt, but I don't know if it's too late for the summer. WPIC also has not called me back about volunteering and I am a little frustrated.
4) Trying to keep busy. I try to see as many friends as possible per week so I don't go insane. I am not a big reader but I bought the Hunger Games trilogy and, to my surprise, I am enjoying it so far. I also have been exercising a bit which feeds my soul. Love the release. I made vegan chocolate chip scones yesterday and was SO proud. They are awesome. And I ate 2. I tricked myself to thinking they are healthy because vegan...but not necessarily true because they still have sugar and white flour. And vegan margarine. Whatever. I want to look up more yummy recipes and try cooking/baking. I have a feeling getting into that stuff and making things I feel good about would help me to get better. Feeling good about what I am eating, although rare, is the best feeling. I wish I could go vegan but I don't think I can due to a lot of foods I love having dairy in them. :(
My sister is visiting this weekend and I am nervous I can't stick to my exercise/food routine. She has/had an ED and I know will be extra aware. Boo. We'll see. I am super excited to see her.though. She doesn't get home from CA too too often.
TGIF, ya'll.
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