verbal purge

I am discouraged about school and grad school. I get frustrated that it feels like everyone has a boyfriend and I can't find anyone that isn't gay/an asshole/ just wanting to hook up. I hate being emotional. I want to exercise daily. I get frustrated not knowing what I'll be doing next year. I want to move out but not sure when that situation will ever arise--it needs to be the right people/situation. I want to be healthy and not want to lose weight, but I want to be sickeningly thin some days. I want to be closer to my siblings. I want closer friends. I miss treatment some days because life was so much "safer". It feels right to eat there and okay to gain weight. Well, not okay but more okay. This is like a verbal purge. Not making any sense...just trying to get it out.