End of school

Woo hoo for the end of the semester. I certainly cannot say it ended as strongly as it began, but I FINISHED all my classes for only the 3rd time in 4.5 years at Pitt. Definitely proud of myself. I screwed myself over in classes I had As in, but at least I am finishing. As the eating disorder got worse, so did my concentration, motivation, and grades. If there were ever any doubt about the correlation of the two things, I think if I graphed out the trends the correlation coefficient would be as close to 1 as possible!

I definitely have mixed feelings about the semester ending. In one sense, it is a huge sign of relief because I don't have the stress of school always lingering over my head. In another sense, I am terrified to be entering into the summer without that structure, with my mom home 24/7, and with tons of free time. I do plan to volunteer at WPIC if they ever call me back. I also will continue to work at Old Navy, although I am sure at max I will get 20 hours per week. I want to look into work study jobs but am afraid to because of the chance that the eating disorder gets out of control and I can't keep it up. I'll still look into it--for all i know, I may not be eligible for work study this summer.

Speaking of treatment-related things, i met with Jennie yesterday and it didn't go so great. She was telling me she feels like she's the only one "in this" and I need to step it up. Otherwise, it's a waste of time for us to meet. I, of course, take this as her giving up on me, and my first reaction is "fine, I'm good". I am good meaning I don't need to come. Mature, huh? She basically asked what would help and let her know what I want to do. I don't know what to do! I told her that at this point the overall goal of "not restricting" seems way too overwhelming to me and I need to break it down. She didn't seem to have advice as to what would be a baby step. She asked if I needed more intensive treatment to which I told her I don't know. For several reasons. 1) parents would never ever go for treatment again unless my physical health necessitated it 2) I still need to pay River Centre a shitload 3) I feel I am not at rock bottom (which is what point I usually end up in before treatment) How can one hit rock bottom more than once and still not be better? Jennie said it looked like i "dropped weight" but I am still around the same number...120...scale said 122 actually today. Why can't I break into the teens? Oh,god, I say I am satisfied and just don't want to gain any, but clearly there is a mental game with the numbers. I know I'm probably chasing perfection that doesn't exist, but it doesn't make me want it any less....even when I see it destroying my life.

Blah. I have an appointment next week to see my old therapist so I can discern who I want to see,if anyone. I know going back to Gina probably isn't the best idea--but Im comfortable with her. Actually, I haven't seen her in a year so it might be super awkward. Ugh, what do I get myself into. My doctor's probably close to giving up on me,too. Ill see what she says MOnday. I get that people may feel their hands are tied if I am not willing to do much. It's just so easy to rationalize why I am still healthy. I just wanted to be comfortable in my body.

Things with Julie were disappointing the other day. I don't know what to attribute it to. We were so code at one point and i know friendships change and life gets crazy, but it feels so different. I love her and her daughter and would do anything to save our friendship, but I am at a loss. I feel like I am boring and she's over me.

I had to say goodbye to Ruth today which sucked. I managed to hold back the waterworks( Gosh, why  am I so emotional) but I could hardly speak because I was choking back tears. I HATE goodbyes. I know that when friendships go long distance, it is just not the same anymore. Friends being close in physical distance is so much easier. Plus, Ruth was there for a lot of hard times. I will miss her a ton but I hope we stay in touch. I guess friends that you're meant to stay in touch with, you will. It's so hard for me to get that just because they're not physically there anymore doesn't mean they're not still there for me.

Well, I'm miss depressing today. I'll list something happy.

Things I am looking forward to:
1) My sister, Katie, is visiting next weekend
2) I am getting Aladdin's for dinner with Megan(coworker/friend) next week:)
3) Hopefully going to the bar with candy necklaces and wearing a cute outfit tomorrow night
4) Sheetz night with Laura as per usual Sunday
^That's it. Man, I have no life I guess. But those things all make me happy so that's good! I've felt so alone lately and am glad I have had a lot of contact (more so than usual) with my coworkers lately. I have vented (probably too much) about the eating disorder and I am glad to get some of the thoughts out. I hope they don't think I am crazy. Honestly, if a friend told me what I tell people, I would be so worried/frustrated/want to shake them, but for myself, there's not the same level of care or compassion. If I think of myself as a little girl, however, I would NEVER say the things or treat myself like I do now. I don't know why there's such a disconnect. Last week I cried in my friend's arm and told her that and that I just want to FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I never wanted this to last this long (or knew what the hell I was getting into) when I first started running and restricting 7 or 8 years ago.:(

There I go with depressing again;)

Anyway, Im gonna go watch Beauty and the Beast for a little or TV with my mom. Please let it be a night where I fall asleep peacefully (with the help of meds, of course) and not cry/worry myself to sleep.