11 more pounds to go. I do not trust my scale as its always going up and down, so I need to get weighed at a professionals office for the real thing. However, this means I have lost weight gradually and 14 pounds since feb 1st. You cannot tell and I still feel fairly fat. I look in the mirror and still see my wide hips and full thighs. It's like if I can't see bone when I bend down, I'm mad. Messed up head. Lately I have been horrible about eating a right amount. I wanted a Luna bar before bed so I had to subtract it from monday's(!) allotted calories. Jeez, Ellen, control yourself. I'm considering making Sunday a cheat day--not a binge, but allow myself whatever I want which probably totals 1500-2000 calories or more. I don't count those days because there's no point. I haven't decided if I'm doing this yet because often it leads to bingeing and purging.

Gonna go to bed.

Calm after the storm

I've calmed down a bit since Monday thankfully. Sunday and Monday everything from the past few months that built up just kind of exploded. I was very short with people and dissociative on Sunday and would hardly talk to my friend when we went to Sheetz. I felt so overwhelmed and didn't know where to start--I had some things to say to her and I also just could not speak to my state in general. I just completely shut down when I get like that. Monday I had a therapy appointment that was pretty much useless. It consisted of me wanting to talk about friend problems and Jennie telling me that it wasn't relevant because if I am not feeding myself properly, she doesn't expect me to have good relationships. I swear I wasn't trying to sidetrack her. I then got really anxious and we spent the majority of the session calming me down. It was dumb. My doctor's appointment was better, not surprisingly. She said I looked tired and dehydrated and was reminding her of me over the summer. I was also super anxious so she prescribed Buspar. I have been on that in the past, but pretty sure I took myself off it before I ever saw if it helped, which is so so typical for me. I am more open to meds than ever because they can't hurt at this point.

Tuesday I got to take a short run after classes and relax and then hung with Danielle. That was good. I was depressed,however, because the lecture portion of my favorite class is over. Maybe I am a nerd, but that is the most I have enjoyed a class at Pitt. He was a wonderful lecturer and kept my interest for the most part. I wish he taught more classes. It also semi sparked my interest in addictions counseling. I don't necessarily think I would want to do a whole addictions concentration, but maybe go for CAC certification at some point? Who knows. I need to focus on undergrad first and raising my GPA to a 3.0 at least.

Wednesday consisted of going to Trader Joe's, which I had been to before, and Whole foods, which I had never been to. IN LOVE. Whole foods is rather expensive, but both of these places made me want everything and made me feel good about picking out food. Normally, at least in the past few months, I have not really picked out groceries. I have just been buying Luna bars and granola bars as a staple and then usually eat a meal with my parents out or at home. I bought oatmeal, a new kind of granola bar, dark chocolate pistachio toffee, this cookie sandwich that I haven't eaten yet, and of course, luna bars. I bought more of a variety of things and feel semi-okay eating these new things. Feeling good about what I eat is a must. Then, I got dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a bit. She has been depressed so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and was trying to be understanding with her lack of communication. If anyone has been depressed, it's me, but it was difficult and hurtful to feel like she was shutting me out because I don't necessarily do that when struggling, but people deal with things differently. I take so many situational factors personally, if that makes sense.

Today, I am meeting Stacey shortly for lunch at Market. I haven't eaten there in so so long. I am craving a salad with tofu and veggies and (hopefully light) ranch dressing. It makes me nervous, however, because I can't know the calories and I need to leave enough room for dinner later. Plus, I am starving now and need to have energy for a workout later. Oh, mind, you are complicated.

Tomorrow and Saturday I work 6-10PM and have no plans. I really hope at least one of those nights I can at least see someone for an hour. It's harder to focus on schoolwork when I feel like a loser and come home after work. Laura offered to go to SouthSide with her and meet, but 1) her BF will be there 2) I don't want to drive/park alone and 3) I feel like it was a pity offer. So....probably not.

Blah. I need more close friends. I feel so...lonely. I guess I could feel that anywhere,though. Even in a room full of people.

Okay, I am skipping my useless class so I better go ACTUALLY be productive. I felt the need to purge [verbally] for a little.

Happy Thursday! I used to love them...until I started working both weekend nights!

I can't get off this ride:(

I am falling apart (kind of) emotionally and physically and about to academically if nothing changes. My mom's super worried and I just cried and said I feel like a loser, but behaviorally I am okay. I've been moody and short and holding everything inside. I am about to explode. Thank God I have 2 appointments tomorrow. The scale went up and I want to binge/purge tomorrow to get out my frustration. That will make the weight worse,though. I feel so alone and empty and worthless. It's so frustrating that I AM THE ONLY ONE who can release me from this hell of a disorder, but I just can't be the one. I need to lose weight...I NEED CONTROL.

DJJ&3947567@%%%&&&WFUCK.

:(

I am going to bed.

Life sucks.

Fail.

I really suck. C'mon, Ellen. Bingeing and purging is foul and does not cause you to lose weight, or even rid yourself of all the calories you consume as absorption begins in the mouth. Bahhh. So, yeah. Not in the best mood. It started last night when I had a drink, 1 1/2 shots, a few sips of someone else's drink and I think that's it? I woke up feeling a little dehydrated and foggy and my mom had brought me pancakes from breakfast with my dad. They were ginormous and I watched my mom slather butter on them. And bananas and walnuts. Delish. I felt guilty for eating the whole thing,though, and as soon as my parents went out for a little I hit the closet for a little bingeing and purging.

After purging I felt unusually tired and my heart was racing. This wasn't out of the ordinary but then I broke out in cold sweats and felt extremely weak. I felt like I was going to pass out so I laid on my bed for a bit. My hands were trembling and I my heart continued to palpitate. I was a tiny bit concerned. Again, these things have happened before but I don't usually feel that spent. I decided to forego the gym and went downstairs and shoved down pretzels and a luna bar and powerade to keep me nourished. I feel much better after eating a rather large meal. I'll probably end up eating a lot later because it's a 'fuck it' day now. I hope I can get back on track tomorrow. Although I feel better physically now, mentally I am upset and depressed.

Also, I keep seeing these little bugs in our house and I am gonna freaking flip out. I can't point them out to my parents unless I see a lot because they'll think I search for bugs all day. They don't get my phobia even when I have told them what it's related to. They think I am crazy.:( I think I am gonna talk about exposure therapy Monday with Jennie. I always feel like I have too much to say in therapy and I don't know whats most important. Right now I could talk about bugs, jaw surgery, school, summer, health, etc. Hmm. We'll see. Gonna relax for 20 min before I leave for work. I know I still didn't explain about oral surgeon appt the other day but I will! Right now I just wanted to vent.

I don't have any plans later so I will probably do homework/eat/watch tv/sleep like a winner.

P.S. I caved and got Facebook back. Only made it 12 days...weak. I have already deactivated it and reactivated twice today--I need to make up my freaking mind.

Just a few random thoughts

I am going to meet a friend for coffee soon, so I don't have time for a full post. I just wanted to say a few things.

1) The appointment with the oral surgeon went well yesterday, but I will elaborate later. I did find myself overwhelmed by the end,though.

2) I feel like I ate way too much today, even though it was mainly calories from yesterday. Why can I not just stick to an amount and eat it? I always go over somehow and then end up having to put those calories in for the next day and then end up just eating a little. Today I had a Luna bar, vitamins(gummy!), vanilla latte, Veggie burger, a few of my mom's fries, and McDonald's soft serve( my weakness). And worked out for about an hour at the gym on the elliptical. The rest of my allotted food was from yesterday.

3) I am overwhelming myself thinking about signing up for fall semester/summer classes if I decide to take them despite no financial aid, and trying to factor in how jaw surgery would affect things.

I'll write more later or tomorrow.

I'm loving this weather and actually sad next week will not be in the 80s. That's crazy as we've had such mild weather and I should be happy with anything above 50. Spoiled me.

1st day of Spring

YAY for the first day of Spring and absolutely gorgeous weather to go along with it. I have an hour until class and should absolutely be doing work;however, I find it necessary to vent. I've had a productive morning thus far...not. I only got 6 hours of sleep last night and I was super tired this morning, so I drove to Pitt on time but slept in my car for my first 2 classes. Stupid. The 2nd class is pointless but I need to know material for 1st class. I'm real bad at delaying gratification. Then, I met with my friend from 2nd class for coffee. I asked her to go and she seemed a little ill-at-ease when we weren't talking about class stuff, but at least I made an effort. I feel like a weird and undesirable friend. I also tried to say hi to a classmate at Victoria's Secret yesterday and she was so rude. I knew she looked familiar so I asked if we were in class together--she just scoffed and was like, "I don't know.Do you go to Pitt?" It was like pulling teeth trying to get answers out of her. Gosh, I was trying to be nice. Don't flatter yourself,woman.

The end of the weekend was a super fail. Remember I said Sunday was my cheat day sometimes? Well I ate too much but didn't binge. I had banana walnut pancakes, baked chips, a big taco salad thing at sheetz, and then I believe a few granola bars and 2 tootsie pops. Not really a binge but way more than I usually consume,especially with no exercise. Yesterday, I felt to guilty when I woke up and my mom was conveniently gone, so I binged/purged twice as a way to punish myself. Then I ate a huge lunch (e.g. a complete burrito bowl at Qdoba) and a clif bar for dinner PLUS caramel popcorn with my mom and then some luna bars. Complete ruin. I probably gained a few. Today, I am back in my school routine (minus going to classes thus far today) thankfully and have just had a Luna bar, frozen strawberries, and a Skinny vanilla latte today. Don't ruin it,Ellen. I'll probably get free Rita's later,too.

I really don't want to tutor after school today. I love Rebecca, I love volunteering, and it's only an hour-ish, so what's wrong with me? I guess I am just dying to go home and take a short run( 2 miles)...I may still go anyway after and delay my plans with Danielle for a bit. It only takes me like 30 min to walk/jog a little over 2 miles.I know that's slow...

My appointment with Jennie yesterday was interesting. I was telling her about the possibility of jaw surgery and mentioned that my mom won't let me go through with it if I am not healthy. She was asking what my mom meant by healthy and I told her about the comments on my weight. When Jennie asked if I had lost weight or if my mom had any reason to think so, I said, in the shadiest way possible, "no!" She commented on the fact that there was a huge change in my affect, but I held onto the lie. (Did I mention I am THE worst liar?) Eventually she asked what I weighed and was gonna pressure me to get on the scale if not, so I told her. I told her it's not that bad--it's like the summer in that there's a little restricting and bingeing/purging once a week roughly. I hope to eliminate the bingeing and purging and/or the cheat days. I thought the cheat day would actually satisfy me and curb any bingeing desires, but it may be making it worse because the guilt causes me to binge. I don't know...we'll see. My mom asked what my dr thought about my weight but I don't get weighed there unless she requests it, thank god. Because if I am not weighing myself at home and seeing a downward trend, even if slowly, I HATE getting weighed because the number disgusts me. So, now I feel exposed that she knows my weight and didn't seem like she thought things were fine. She definitely makes me tell things like they are.

Example typical conversation:

J: So, you're restricting?

E: Well, yes...no...kind of...depends on what you're definition of restricting is

J: Less than a healthy amount for you.so maybe less than 1600-1800?

E:Yes.

J: Severely restricting?

E: No...well...

J: Less than 1300-1500 calories?

E:Yep

J:Less than 1000?

E:Well, it depends on what you consider less than 1000

J:*very confused look*

E: I mean when I exercise I can eat more than 1000, but not when I don't

See how difficult I am? Wow. It's like pulling teeth. Man, I don't know if I have enough patience to be a therapist...

Blah.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a different oral surgeon so we can get another opinion and see someone before mid-May. I'll be anxious to see what my doctor thinks about jaw surgery. I don't see the big deal because I won't need my mouth wired shut AND it wouldn't be til december. Even if I get down to a lower weight this summer, I am sure I won't maintain it until then, which seems really sad.

Plus, as Laura informed me, even if I DO lose weight from the surgery, I will gain it back and need to be okay with that. That comment still infuriates me.

Gosh, I need to get off here and do something productive, although class is soon.

I miss Facebook! Thank God I'm not on now or I guarantee my status update would be something like I feel fat or I don't see what others see or exercise:my anti-drug.

Haha.

Good and Bad

Good= I lost two pounds this week, the weather has been beautiful, I spent time with friends this weekend

Bad=When telling my friend about jaw surgery and how I have to be in good health because my parents won't let me if I am not healthy(although I admit, a tiny part of me wants to do it because it's hard to eat afterwards), and she said you'll gain that weight back as soon as you eat normally and you'll be upset. Hey, thanks. I know she just cares about me, but in my head I was thinking "wanna bet?". Blah.

My friend made a good point the other day.I was venting saying how I hate when people comment on being worried about my weight, and she said what do you want people to say? Apparently (and she's 100 percent right) when people tell me I am just thin, I think I am not, when people say I look healthy(never tell me that!), I interpret it is fat, and when people say I am too thin, I get mad. Jeez, I guess there's no way to win. I also get mad when people jump on the "I was worried, but didn't say anything" bandwagon AFTER the fact. After I gained a ton of weight after restricting at 17,many people said they were worried but didn't know how to tell. That infuriated me, as if they could have stopped me from spiraling into the depths of an eating disorder.

I have therapy tomorrow, which should be interesting. Someone in treatment one time didn't connect with her therapist and called her sessions 'staring contests'. I often feel like that because sometimes Jennie won't say anything and waits for me to talk. So.awkward. I'll tell her about jaw surgery and get her opinion--that should take a good 20 minutes at least. SHe still hasn't cashed 5 checks. Drives me nuts as a poor college student not to know when 100 dollars could be deducted.

I better go do homework. I was just wanting to vent for A) the comment about gaining any weight I would lose from jaw surgery and B) I didn't have time to exercise today and ate banana walnut pancakes my mom made me for breakfast...so I decided to make this my cheat day. It makes me want to eat a few granola bars or something before I go back into my routine tomorrow. I might. As much as I want to continue my weight loss because I only have 13 lbs to my goal weight, I maybe should try to eat a little more. 13 lbs could take a while which is frustrating, but it can't be too fast or my parents will really notice. Also, both of my sisters are visiting in May and I don't want them to worry my parents even more if they comment. As long as I am still healthy, I don't understand what's wrong.

I am sure my blog is getting really boring to read just talking about food and weight. Since there's no Facebook for me now I have felt extra ready to 'purge' on here lately.

Night.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I am wearing green today even though I don't really want to support the holiday where people just get obliterated and act foolishly. I am not claiming I don't enjoy drinking sometimes, but I don't particularly like holidays that are used as an excuse to drink. My friend wants me to go out tonight, but I just am not in the mood for that scene. I love her and want to see her, but just think it's a bad idea for multiple reasons. I think I am going to get coffee with Kristen after work instead.

Last night I saw 21 Jump Street with Olivia after work. It was unnecessarily violent and gross at the end, but overall I really thought it was entertaining. Channing Tatum is so cute[and married]. Afterwards, we went to get a drink and a guy approached us while we were having a serious conversation. We did let him and his friend buy as another round and we stayed and talked until 2. They seemed nice enough but I really don't fully trust any guy, especially when alcohol is involved. I gave the guy my number even though he's 25, went to Slippery Rock for hotel management, his teeth weren't straight, and I wasn't too physically attracted to him. Oh my gosh--I just sounded like the most shallow, judgmental person ever. *Drops head in shame* I am so self-conscious that I cannot explain why I have (unrealistically?) high standards.:/ I only ever gave my number once and it was a Mad Mex waiter, so I figured why not? I am sure I will regret it.

Today has been uneventful thus far. I got up, my mom made me delicious oatmeal with strawberries,walnuts, and brown sugar, I read a few pages for Social Research Methods, and now I am sitting around. I will probably get something to eat with my mom before work even though I don't want to. She said we could get froyo or a snack, but I don't think that's happening. I really want to prove to my parents I am fine,though, so I can't contest eating dinner. I do want to go to gym before work but I know I won't have time to adjust my meal plan for today. I get anxious when it's something that doesn't have a count on it, such as my mom's oatmeal. My parents haven't commented on my weight in 2 days thankfully. I actually googled yesterday 'how to look heavier in clothes' just to keep them from worrying, but I didn't find good answers. Someone said baggier clothes, but I think that wouldn't look good either.I really am fine. I am at a healthy weight and still getting my period and what not. I am not sure why I make it sound like I am doing badly. People's comments I guess are what make me question myself. Seriously,though. 10 pounds. It's no cause for concern. But I also love the friends who have commented, as much as it makes me mad, because that shows me they truly care. I am not saying those that haven't said anything don't care, because I KNOW it's such a sticky situation because comments can be fuel to the fire, but I appreciate honesty always.

Oh, yeah. I might be getting jaw surgery again. I saw my orthodontist yesterday and he confirmed that the jaw surgery that took place 7(!) years ago didn't work. Why the heck did no one mention this until recently? My orthodontist is a wonderful guy and it's not his fault. The oral surgeon who did it was ready to retire and I was one of his last surgeries. I think it was a combination of me being anorexic, needing a blood transfusion during surgery, and him being on his last leg that caused the problems...I am not sure. It was bad timing all around because I was in the middle of my restricting phase and then had my mouth wired shut(which they don't do anymore!) and lost more weight. Then, when the wires got cut off, I went crazy and first binged. I binged on 40 lbs very rapidly. Yes, some of that weight was healthy and necessary but not all of it, and certainly not the method of gaining. Anyway, my mouth is still numb in areas and now to boot to find out that I was the only one of my orthodontist's patients who has never had a successful jaw surgery. It would have been enough to lose feeling and to have it exacerbate the eating disorder, but the fact that my bite is still so off just makes it that much worse. However, I am considering doing it again while I still have insurance. At least I have a responsible, caring PCP now because my doctor at the time never acknowledged I had an E.D., which I loved at the time, but in hindsight makes me feel that was wrong. My mom expressed her concern that I lost my period for a long time, and she sent me to gynecologist, where I got put on birth control. Geniuses. So, I will definitely trust in my doctor to determine whether or not I am medically stable enough to proceed if and when we get to that point.

Advantages: Corrected bite, I know what to expect,am older now and will ask questions, no mouth wired shut, I am still in school instead of being at a job, possible weight loss

Disadvantages: braces again after having them 4 times,expense of braces, possible side effects, although I don't think I could lose more feeling

We couldn't get the appointment with the guy at Children's until mid-May, which is frustrating. I think I will probably go through with it, but it's frustrating I have to have the braces 6 months beforehand and probably won't get the surgery until Christmas break. I guess that's a good recovery time. This summer would have been way more ideal, but I would have had to started this process in December or something. Food for thought.

Okay, I really better go and finish the chapter before my mom wants to eat. Please let it be McDonald's(weird, I know) so I can get 2 foods I am very comfortable with. Southwest salad and dressing( only 240 total) and Mcdonald's soft serve, which is way healthier than people think it is because it's 'ice cream' and automatically assumed to be unhealthy. Low-fat and creamy? Cha-ching.

Enjoy this gorgeous and sunny day! I am wearing shorts and it is March...double cha-ching.

:)

Clearly I need to vent today

PS, I hate the scale. And numbers. And comments from parents.

A) The scale went up a pound...probably from my bingeing over the weekend. This brings my weight loss only to 9 lbs so why the heck are my parents all over me lately? My mom said my arms are too thin today, so I proceeded to put on a sweater. 9 lbs is not a large amount. If they're worried, say so, but don't comment on my weight because it makes me feel like they're just lying and don't know how else to express their concern

B) I know I need to be not so focused on food/weight/sizes, but welcome to my life for the past 7 years. It's weird that I think about food SO much. Like, even when I am restricting, I just want to eat just to eat sometimes...not because I am actually that hungry. If my parents ever try to compare me now to me when I WAS anorexic, there are so many arguments that prove it's just not true. Plus, my doctor and therapist think I am doing pretty well. I hate these conflicting opinions--can't we all agree that I am either a mess or fine or somewhere in the middle? I would vote for in the middle, I suppose.

If anyone actually reads this, you're finding out just how crazy my mind is. Thank you for not giving up on me thus far.

16

I'm being a post whore today. Remember how I said I was stuck as a 16-year old. This is what I looked like then and pre-anorexia and what I'd like to go back to. Yes, I realize I am much older now, but so what? Blah, I am not sure why it posted like that...but oh well. And me a few weeks ago at the top. It's not a body shot so you can't really compare, but trust me, I am not that skinny.

Shelby Starner

I love this song and listen to it all the time. I am not sure how I found it, but it's pretty old. A couple years ago I remember somehow stumbling across it and realizing she died young from bulimia and was supposed to attend Pitt that fall.:( Sad. I believe she died in 2003.

http://music.com/video/shelby-starner/dont-let-them/A10302B0000064991V

Facebook updates I would say today if I had a Facebook

- Feels like everyone is skinner than I am on campus

-Doesn't trust comments on my appearance

-Loves this weather

-Social theory puts me to sleep, but my friend drawing comics about our teacher=priceless

I wouldn't have posted those all, but still, I miss Facebook and want to get them out somewhere. I've thought about telling my mom my Facebook status updates daily.;) Except, obviously the first 2 would have been excluded

Lovely weather

Warm weather makes me SO happy. I got to enjoy it today by running errands with my mom and taking a 2 mile jog after my doctor's appointment.:) Sunny and warm weather puts me into a much better mood.

The doctor's appointment went okay. She didn't think anything on my legs would be bites, and she didn't know what was on my hand. It kind of comforted me but not really. Then she told me she didn't think I have been doing a bad job of being honest with her, contrary to what I said. I get such mixed reviews. She thinks I am doing well as I imagine my therapist does, (well, she said it's a continuum) and I AM doing okay, but my parents give me different reactions. I think my current weight loss still is around 10 pounds in 7 weeks..12 at the most probably. (That's horrible so obviously if I were in a REAL bad place I would have lost much more than that) However, my dad said, with a worried expression, that I look awful thin today. Maybe it's just how I carry weight because I am still at a relatively high end of normal in terms of BMI. Blah. My doctor said I am in control to an extent of how this semester/summer goes in terms of ED stuff. That's hard...it's true but it would be so much easier if I didn't have these debilitating thoughts about weight loss. Sure, I never HAVE to act on these thoughts, but weight loss can a lot of times *seem* like a very high priority. If she had these thoughts, she may understand. Sometimes I think I may never get better. I can want to be happy so badly, be graduated, have a boyfriend, be successful, go to grad school, have better relationships, etc., but it is never enough to allow me to stop. The eating disorder, in the end, always wins out. I can say until I am blue in the face that I want to get better. For me, I know I am going to eventually have to ditch the idea of losing weight in order to get better. I always always try to recover and lose weight at the same time and it will never ever work I don't think.:(

I have homework to do but am meeting someone for coffee shortly. I am probably kind of bad at prioritizing things, but honestly, I figured I wouldn't have weekend plans because I work 530-930 Fri and Sat nights, so I may as well be somewhat social now.

I am a little upset because I ate two solid meals today and for dinner, We didn't go somewhere where they have calorie counts, so I have to estimate. Chances are it will spill into tomorrow and I'll have to deduct them from my total. I wish someone could educate me on whether to count net calories or calories before exercise as my total for the day because usually there would be a big difference. For example, if net calories are the ones you care about and I ate 1200 and exercised off 400, fine. If I ate 1200 and exercised yet 1200 is still the number to count, that's a bit problematic. I don't know. Why am I such a failure? I want to get better but I want to have the body I did at 16. I am only a few pounds off in weight (pre-anorexia) but I look nothing the same, so it's upsetting. I feel like I have this fear of getting older and being an adult. Also, I think in some ways have been stuck at 16 when my eating disorder started and never matured past there emotionally. I don't know. I have heard in some addiction theories that the alcoholic often gets stuck in the place they were before the addiction began. For example, my friend's dad was an alcoholic since 13 or 14 and she said her dad has the emotional capacity as such. Who knows...I should research that more.

Gotta go. Maybe I'll write more later. If not, then tomorrow.

Enjoy the sunny, warm weather. I know I am!:)

1 Day Free

1 day binge free...and Facebook free. I am ecstatic that I made it today with no bingeing and purging and got back into my routine. I knew classes starting again would help. I didn't do a usual gym workout but I got to jog 2 miles and it was GORGEOUS out. I am excited to wear a jean skirt with no leggings tomorrow because it's going to be almost 70 out. The no Facebook thing makes me feel both liberated and anxious. I am anxious because I am so used to being on it( even more than I realized, be it on my phone or on my laptop) and feel lost not constantly checking the news feed. It is a tiny bit liberating to not always be checking in on everyone and comparing myself to others. We'll see if it lasts. Ideally, I will reactivate my account after finals in early May or so.

I am tired because I stayed up until 1AM writing my essay for social theory. It was difficult because I kept wanting to go buy binge food because it was my "last chance" before my "diet" resumed, but I didn't. In the past, I would have given into urges to binge and purge and/or would have just not written the paper because of feeling stupid and like it wouldn't be good enough, as well as the obvious time crunch. But I did it! I hope that I can actually raise my D grade to a C or better because to have to take this class again would be miserable. However, with a better teacher I imagine it wouldn't be AS painful.

I am awfully anxious right now. I guess for several reasons.

1) I am going to the Doctor's tomorrow. Why this makes me anxious as I really like her, I am not sure. I think she is going to take a look at my skin because I often complain about potential bites freaking out that I have scabies/bedbugs/body lice/ something of that nature. This ashames me that I obsess about stuff like that, and I don't like to talk about it. I think her asking to see my skin, although I want her to, is going to make me feel stupid if she doesn't find anything. Also, for as often as I see my doctor, I can't remember the last time she's actually examined me or anything. We talk, which is fine with me! Good god--doctors make me way too nervous when they get up all in your business. I feel like they're judging me somehow. Weird doctor fears! I also just don't want to think about my fear of bugs and talk about it because it's upsetting me a lot as is. I cry myself to sleep a lot feeling "unsafe" and worrying about that, or my parents dying. 2 prevalent themes that upset me a lot lately. I'm such a worrier.

2) I am still not sure what I weigh and don't want to see a higher number(or the same number), so I probably will wait a week until I get on the scale again. I have no idea why it's important to me to get down to a certain number. After all, numbers are arbitrary and have no inherent qualities that make them "good" or bad"--these qualities are ascribed to the numbers by society and individuals, but they're not bad in and of themselves. I just want to be as close to the underweight range as possible without being in medical danger. The very bottom of normal for my height...which is my GW. It's funny that for me, this is an exception, but everyone else I would tell that BMI is a load of crap. It really is! Any kind of system that can call someone morbidly obese who is an Olympic athlete is a flawed system in my book. So who knows why I want a lower BMI so badly.

3) I am anxious because I saw several small beetle looking bugs downstairs earlier and it looked like an infestation. I don't like bugs. I don't want them anywhere near me, let alone in the house. Ah, they better be gone! :(

4) I have homework to do and I don't feel like doing anything

5) I think about summer classes as the semester draws nearer to the end. I could always sign up and withdraw before add/drop is over if I decide it will be too much...or sign up at the last minute. I wanted to see how my grades were this semester and see how I am doing ED-wise. I am terrified that I will end up taking a turn for the worse and have to take a G in the class or drop out, like I've done in the past. Although, even if I really go downhill and lose a lot of weight, which seems pretty unlikely, I don't think I would even go to treatment because parents would not cooperate, I still have a huge bill from Ohio, I still have no residential coverage and would have to do inpatient, which is never appropriate unless you're like 2 pounds, and what would I learn that I haven't in the past? Why am I even thinking about this? I am stable right now. Pshh.

I worry about way too much. Gosh, no wonder why I can never concentrate. I wish you really could press an off button to make your thoughts stop. This is why I also dread going to bed at night and waiting for the sleeping pill to knock me out. I just worry or feel uncomfortable worried bugs are in my bed or cry about something.

Well, I should go try to do homework. I have to get up early tomorrow for spinning before my doctor's appointment. As an incentive to do work, I am probably going to watch tv with my mom or watch Desperate Housewives online afterwards.

Well, this was a little more positive than yesterday. I am sure there's a lot more I could day, but I am kind of sick of typing.

Bingefest( warning: not a positive entry)

Eek, I hate myself. How have I been bulimic for 6 years but only had anorexia for the first year? Oh, I know! I have no self-control. Honestly, though, I am SO much happier (although I am such a bitch when I am hungry) when I am restricting. After bingeing/purging these past 2 days, I feel super depressed, lethargic, and like my world is going to end. When I weighed myself yesterday, it hadn't gone up from the previous Monday, but it also didn't go down. I want to see the downward trend. GR. I am fighting biology, perhaps. I am sure I will have gained a few lbs by the end of today,though. I don't know HOW I am going to focus on my paper. I still have 4-5 pages to go and all I can think about is how much weight I probably gained this weekend.:( Ahhhhhh. I am also on my period which probably makes me feel even fatter.

I bought too many clothes this weekend. Whoops! I have this huge fear of buying clothes too small and would rather have "room to grow". I bought a pair of shorts at Loft the other day and the right size was hanging off me a little bit. I thought they were acceptable, but my mom vetoed them. I bought a size smaller than I wear and now I am terrified by the time they get worn, I will have outgrown them. Pressure's on. I also bought a skirt from Old Navy and a tee from target. Shopping addiction, perhaps?

I had therapy today and I feel like I always leave more pissed off. She asked what I was working on. That ALWAYS makes me feel like she thinks I am not motivated. I want to get better, duh, that's why I am coming. I just want to lose weight,too, but know she obviously would not support that so I constantly feel like I am only giving her half the story. I feel like I am still not "safe" with her and how do I know she won't give up on me? My MD I am so much more comfortable with, but even her I have been superficial with lately. I think only Marissa and Liz know how I am really doing. I am fine, but it's obviously still a struggle. Some friends just don't know what to say and telling me to stop worrying isn't gonna help. I know she means well, but it's frustrating. I constantly feel tempted to slap on a fucking smile and tell everyone I am recovered!

I am supposed to be doing my homework now but my mom is currently making me lunch. I want to purge afterwards in the shower, but I probably shouldn't risk it. I will probably stuff my face today. to me there is no in between. If i already ruined today and my net calories ( meaning what they are after exercising for about an hour) aren't in the acceptable range, I give up and eat whatever the hell I want. All-or-nothing thinking will be the death of me.

I don't know how I am going to get this paper done. I wish there were an off button for minds. ALl I can think about is how fat I am. @(#*HFMSMdlfo blahhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry to anyone that may read this that the posts have been extremely candid lately. I normally try to edit myself somewhat(at least I left out sizes and weights, although thats partially because I am hesitant to tell anyone that info for fear of judgment that I don't *seem* like I have an ED) but recently I have just not been in a good place.:(

I really hope tmrw I can get back on track with school work and eating plan/exercise. I want to be down 15 lbs by the summer. That's my goal weight. And that'll be a cold day in hell when I get there. I cannot physically reach weights I was when I was 16 probably because of body structure and my lack of self-control. Even that weight would be a whopping 10 or 15 lbs higher than my lowest ever( at 17 years old)

Fuck, I am being negative. Goodbye.

Subjective binge

Normally, when I binge and purge, it is on an unfathomable amount of calories for the average human being. Not that I count when I do so, but it is probably at LEAST 1000. Tonight, when I got home from the movies, I had an incredible urge just to eat. Is this because I am emotional? Because I am hungry? Because I just want to eat? I have no idea. But I ate a Luna bar and a Larabar. Yes, I have a new obsession with nutrition bars. They're.so.yummy. AND I feel legitimately good about eating them. I consumed about 400 calories. As I mentioned earlier, 9 time out of 10 I eat too much in a day and have to carry them over to tomorrow and subtract from my allotted total. Since I have NO room to spare, these 400 calories today just will have to be chalked up to an overage. I'm sure someone who's actually GOOD at having an eating disorder would purge now or exercise them off tomorrow. If my mom weren't home, I know I'd binge and purge, but chances are that would only leave me feeling fatt(er) and bloated anyway. Disgusting. I have to go easy on myself and just move on. Although maybe I can fit in a few workout minutes before spinning tomorrow to help ease the damage. Gosh, I sound like a mess. I swear I am doing better with the eating disorder. Do I want to lose a few pounds? Abso-freaking-lutely. BUT, I am doing so much better than in the past and am actually doing halfways decent in school. Therefore, I am "fine."

Food

I never send my therapist food logs anymore. It lasted for 2 days and I then pretty much started to refuse. I'm weird and a lot of times if I go over my allotted amount, I put it towards the next days...so today here is my food log.

-300-and-some calories I went over on yesterday for dinner(I think it was a bean burrito)

- A MorningStar Farms Black Bean Burger with a little BBQ sauce, a bun, and sweet pickles

- A Luna bar

- For dinner, I will have some Soup and a baguette at Panera

And I believe that may put me over so some of those calories probably have to be carried over to tomorrow. I hate that. Why can't I just stick at a certain amount?

I feel like this is a decent amount of food and no nutritionist would have a problem with it. Am I still gonna go to a nutritionist or show my therapist? heck no.

Body tracing?

My old therapist offered to trace my body when I was saying how fat I felt. She said if I was too uncomfortable doing that, I could trace hers. A) She was too skinny and that'd make me feel worse but B) how would that help me?

My doctor also said I could trace her last summer. I never took anyone up on that, but I often wonder if it would help. I never used to think I had a distorted perception. I have always said sure, a 90 pound anorexic is NOT seeing herself accurately portrayed in a mirror, but I COULD clearly see what is there. I always get confused when other people comment. I can never trust my mom's comments because a lot of times( when I haven't even lost weight) she will say I look thinner. I think it's code for "I am worried about you and I don't know what to say". This weekend, however, my treatment friend( Julie) visited and the first thing she said when she got out of the car was "you look tiny". Now, the most I could have lost since I last saw her is 10 lbs, so that shouldn't be recognizably different. 20 lbs, probably. I just can't help but always feel like I can be thinner. The sick part of my mind wants to lose weight directly down to the mark just where I am considered underweight. That way I am comfortable and have room to grow. haha. That would involve currently losing about 15ish pounds. Not gonna happen. This isn't going in a positive direction, so I am going to make my mind shut up and try to read a chapter for school.

Maybe I will bring up the idea of body tracing to Jennie. I have seen it on a documentary and it seemed like a good idea to challenge the perception. I believe you draw yourself how you think you appear and then the therapist traces you. It's likely that the person will be smaller.

Anyway, body image is THE hardest part to manage I would say. It's such a trigger that leads me back to patterns. I either think I am fat and disgusting and want to restrict and lose weight. I don't feel like I am restricting now, but it depends on whose book we are talking about. Or, I feel disgusting and resign myself to the fact that Ill always be fat so I should binge/purge to numb my feelings.

Ah, I am hungry and there's no one to eat with. I am going to make my mom go with me or meet a friend in a few hours. I am so confused by net calories. I track calories and I don't know whether to count calories before exercise or calories after (net) as my daily total. How many net calories is too little? I frankly don't want to ask my therapist or doctor because I likely will not like the answer. But there's always worse I could do.

Anyway, I must go.

This is pretty negative, but at least it felt good to get it out of me!

Lack of posts

I don't know why I don't post much anymore. I can't decide if it's laziness or lack of wanting to be honest with myself. Who knows. I have no idea where to start, but here's what I have been up to.

School: It is going better than usual and with the exception of Social Theory, in which I have a D, I have all As and Bs thus far. I am so thankful this semester is going better and am trying to finish strong. I am getting tired and feeling lazy, but need to put in a ton more effort and not give up now. I so often have a hard time focusing,though. Who knows how I am gonna get through grad school as well.

Work: I don't work much...just 12 hours a week usually. I don't have a lot of friends there or talk to too many people. I feel a pressure to always look nice even though most people don't dress nicely. I just like putting together outfits. It's been kind of triggering more than usual to see sizes. I look at size 0 or 2 pants and think...jeez, these will never fit. A huge problem for me is comparing myself to how I used to look. I am back down to a similar range I was (but a few lbs heavier) when I was 16 pre-anorexia. But some sick part of me still wants to hit the same mark. 100 lbs. I will not say where I am now, but it's nowhere near close.

Exercise: I love to exercise. I feel so much better. I usually only do the treadmill or elliptical for a little, go to spinning, or take a walk/jog if it's nice out. I sometimes don't have time when I have school, but it's nice to try to incorporate it into my days because it gives me life.

Friends: I try to see people as often as possible to keep me sane. I feel I have very few TRUE friends, but it's nice to even see acquaintances. Over the weekend I went out-out twice and the second time didn't end very well. It was SO good to see my treatment friend, but we drank too much and made dumb choices. We ended up walking from Southside to Oakland at 5:30 in the morning and my mom picked us up. Mortifying. I won't get into details, but we were so lucky to end up okay. Bad life choice and lesson learned. I seriously wish she lived closer. Definitely cried when she left. Also, as weird as this sounds, (I tried to explain this to my therapist but was afraid it sounded homoerotic) it was so comforting to have someone next to me in bed. Due to "trauma" issues, I feel "unsafe"/panicked at night and often feel like bugs are on me, but when she slept next to me I felt okay. It could have been due to my intoxication, but regardless I rested easier. The past 2 nights I have cried myself to sleep.

Appointments: Luckily, I still see my MD every 2 weeks. She is amazing and super supportive. I feel I can be *mostly* honest with her. Jennie, however, is a work in progress and I struggle to remain honest. I have opened up with her more about the trauma thing, and she has suggested exposure therapy. We'll see about that.

I am kind of sick of typing, so I am probably going to bed. THis week is spring break and I so need to do homework. I just never feel like sitting down and do it. TOmorrow my only plans so far are meeting a friend for lunch and going to spinning class, so I should theoretically have a lot of time.:/