1st day of Spring

YAY for the first day of Spring and absolutely gorgeous weather to go along with it. I have an hour until class and should absolutely be doing work;however, I find it necessary to vent. I've had a productive morning thus far...not. I only got 6 hours of sleep last night and I was super tired this morning, so I drove to Pitt on time but slept in my car for my first 2 classes. Stupid. The 2nd class is pointless but I need to know material for 1st class. I'm real bad at delaying gratification. Then, I met with my friend from 2nd class for coffee. I asked her to go and she seemed a little ill-at-ease when we weren't talking about class stuff, but at least I made an effort. I feel like a weird and undesirable friend. I also tried to say hi to a classmate at Victoria's Secret yesterday and she was so rude. I knew she looked familiar so I asked if we were in class together--she just scoffed and was like, "I don't know.Do you go to Pitt?" It was like pulling teeth trying to get answers out of her. Gosh, I was trying to be nice. Don't flatter yourself,woman.

The end of the weekend was a super fail. Remember I said Sunday was my cheat day sometimes? Well I ate too much but didn't binge. I had banana walnut pancakes, baked chips, a big taco salad thing at sheetz, and then I believe a few granola bars and 2 tootsie pops. Not really a binge but way more than I usually consume,especially with no exercise. Yesterday, I felt to guilty when I woke up and my mom was conveniently gone, so I binged/purged twice as a way to punish myself. Then I ate a huge lunch (e.g. a complete burrito bowl at Qdoba) and a clif bar for dinner PLUS caramel popcorn with my mom and then some luna bars. Complete ruin. I probably gained a few. Today, I am back in my school routine (minus going to classes thus far today) thankfully and have just had a Luna bar, frozen strawberries, and a Skinny vanilla latte today. Don't ruin it,Ellen. I'll probably get free Rita's later,too.

I really don't want to tutor after school today. I love Rebecca, I love volunteering, and it's only an hour-ish, so what's wrong with me? I guess I am just dying to go home and take a short run( 2 miles)...I may still go anyway after and delay my plans with Danielle for a bit. It only takes me like 30 min to walk/jog a little over 2 miles.I know that's slow...

My appointment with Jennie yesterday was interesting. I was telling her about the possibility of jaw surgery and mentioned that my mom won't let me go through with it if I am not healthy. She was asking what my mom meant by healthy and I told her about the comments on my weight. When Jennie asked if I had lost weight or if my mom had any reason to think so, I said, in the shadiest way possible, "no!" She commented on the fact that there was a huge change in my affect, but I held onto the lie. (Did I mention I am THE worst liar?) Eventually she asked what I weighed and was gonna pressure me to get on the scale if not, so I told her. I told her it's not that bad--it's like the summer in that there's a little restricting and bingeing/purging once a week roughly. I hope to eliminate the bingeing and purging and/or the cheat days. I thought the cheat day would actually satisfy me and curb any bingeing desires, but it may be making it worse because the guilt causes me to binge. I don't know...we'll see. My mom asked what my dr thought about my weight but I don't get weighed there unless she requests it, thank god. Because if I am not weighing myself at home and seeing a downward trend, even if slowly, I HATE getting weighed because the number disgusts me. So, now I feel exposed that she knows my weight and didn't seem like she thought things were fine. She definitely makes me tell things like they are.

Example typical conversation:

J: So, you're restricting?

E: Well, yes...no...kind of...depends on what you're definition of restricting is

J: Less than a healthy amount for you.so maybe less than 1600-1800?

E:Yes.

J: Severely restricting?

E: No...well...

J: Less than 1300-1500 calories?

E:Yep

J:Less than 1000?

E:Well, it depends on what you consider less than 1000

J:*very confused look*

E: I mean when I exercise I can eat more than 1000, but not when I don't

See how difficult I am? Wow. It's like pulling teeth. Man, I don't know if I have enough patience to be a therapist...

Blah.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a different oral surgeon so we can get another opinion and see someone before mid-May. I'll be anxious to see what my doctor thinks about jaw surgery. I don't see the big deal because I won't need my mouth wired shut AND it wouldn't be til december. Even if I get down to a lower weight this summer, I am sure I won't maintain it until then, which seems really sad.

Plus, as Laura informed me, even if I DO lose weight from the surgery, I will gain it back and need to be okay with that. That comment still infuriates me.

Gosh, I need to get off here and do something productive, although class is soon.

I miss Facebook! Thank God I'm not on now or I guarantee my status update would be something like I feel fat or I don't see what others see or exercise:my anti-drug.

Haha.