My session with Jennie was pretty much useless today, but that's not a huge surprise. First off, I was annoyed she cashed 8(!) checks at a time. I prepared myself for 7 of them, 140 dollars, to be deducted and my mom had to lend me a little money. I must have missed a check because she cashed 8 and my account overdrew. Jeez. I am gonna give that woman cash from now on. Anyway, today she was asking me questions I didn't know the answer to/haven't though about before. I expressed discontent with bingeing on weekends because it ruins my week. She said okay, if you can restrict successfully without bingeing, how would your life be different? I said I suppose Id be glad? And she said what would be the disadvantages? I said if i got to a dangerous weight, my health, and relationships with others being affected. I felt like she was trying to get me to see something, but wasn't doing it right. SHE didn't say anything. I felt like I had to have the "right" answers. It was super frustrating. Then, she asked what I wanted to work on.*eyeroll* I said no bingeing and purging but noted that there wasn't an easy solution. She said there is, but there's no magic solution. She said increasing my calories would cause less bingeing and I said by how much...100...200? She said c'mon, you're not an idiot. I was being serious and trying to compromise. As a therapist, I would say no, more like 5oo(for example) but if all you can do now is 100, that's fine. :( I felt stupid. Screw the calorie increase now.
I feel bad for worrying people. I think often I forget that my actions can affect other people and I think my ED is only affecting/possibly harming myself. It's always a wakeup call when a friend tells me they're worried. Especially Danielle because she normally is always on my side. So it tends to mean more. Sorry, D. I guess I always think nothing bad will happen to me, but in reality, my body is probably so tired. This summer, when I got lab results that basically said my body is eating muscle for nutrition, I should have gotten it through my head. My dr said then that she could tell from labs that it's taking a toll. Eek. I don't feel thinner and the scale keeps going down and up...so maybe i only lost 10 lbs. such a freaking mind game.:/
my dr asked my goal weight and I told her. She asked why and i said well, it's still heavier then my anorexic weight at 17 by 5 or 10 lbs and it's just on the border of underweight/normal. She said the loss of a period is more telling, so if that happens, I'm not healthy. Thats arguable though because many anorexics I know never lost theirs--I think the DSM V might have tossed that as criteria for AN.
I am stressed with end of school. I think I never really cared in previous semesters, but I have so much due in next 3 weeks. 2 papers for evil class, a report and partner review for other class, 2 journal entries, 2 finals, final paper I haven't started and 7 min presentation. AH.
I might take 2 1st 6 week summer sesh classes. I need some structure and credits..so it works as long as I am not crazy stressed. I also plan to work and hopefully volunteer at WPIC. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to in summer and it's always when I crash and burn, so trying to plan things now. Hopefully this will be 1st summer since 2008 that I haven't been in treatment. To be honest, even if I needed it, I cannot afford to pay off one RCC bill let alone 2, and insurance doesn't accept residential treatment, so I would be forced to do it on my own. Maybe thats what Ive needed. We'll see how it goes. In my mind, Im still much better than I was?
Jaw surgery is still a possibility. I am leaning toward yes but want to get 2nd doctor's opinion. have to also make sure insurance will cover a 2nd procedure and that a second round of braces is financially doable. All these things to ponder! I wish I could get it done this summer. I know I am probably not in amazing health, so maybe not, I just don't want to be heavy when I get it done. Why that matters? IDK.
I told Jennie today I don't necessarily NEED to lose more weight--but I am still restricting more out of fear that I'll gain back what I lost. I don't love my body, that's quite clear, but I feel better about how my clothes fit (or don't fit) now. They're loose and I love it.
I need to go study. Ill probably eat a luna bar even though I just had a granola bar. Emotional hunger? Real hunger? Thirst? No clue.
I don't know how to get (myself) out of this one. I think Im doing great some days and others I know I am falling apart.
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
No comments:
Post a Comment