Hello...
I have not blogged in forever and, truthfully, I do not have a lot of new things to say.
I cannot believe it is almost August. Holy heck. I am not wanting the summer to end because I <3 the warmth and pool days and lack of responsibility. On the other hand, I want school to go back and to be in more of a routine. I know that my eating disorder would like school to go back so I can get back into restriction mode and lose weight. I want to lose 10 lbs. For some reason, I feel I am healthy until my BMI reaches underweight...which os still 14 pounds for me. That's a lot!
I have been bingeing and purging less which is good. I have started restricting a little but have eaten a ton these past few days because my sisters are visiting for the weekend. I feel when they come I always try to appear normal. (even though 1 had an ED and the other has an ED) I was overwhelmed after work yesterday and alone so I did slip and binge and purge. My brother showed up early from work,though, and I pretended I was taking a shower so I could purge. I hope he never hears this stuff--there doesn't need to be more distance than there already is between us.
I am going to maybe see that new therapist soon. The one who was my professor at La Roche. I am kind of intimidated by her because a) she seems rich b) she is thin and c) she has a PhD. We will see--I like Jennie but know I won't forgive myself if I don't try it out with Beth. She does seem like she does a lot of body image work which God knows I need. She also specializes in trauma and works from a psych dynamic approach, which I like.
I miss my manager Megan a lot. (Sorry, I keep jumping around in this post) She got a new job and I miss her at work and her role as my support. The new ASM who replaced her looks anorexic and makes me feel disgusting. I want to cry/die/ spontaneously lose 20 lbs when I see her. My managers are aware, though, and have been letting me talk through it, which is helpful.
Blah. I feel like I gained so much this summer even though I technically only gained...2-5 lbs since the end of the semester. Why is 10 lbs so hard to lose? That would completely satisfy me and I'd be like 4-5 lbs from being underweight. Right now as it stands, I can only lose 5 lbs or my dr will not let me have jaw surgery. So, 10 she wouldn't approve.
We will see. I will probably gain weight by the time I have jaw surgery. I am terrified. Please, God, even if I don't lose weight, don't let me gain another pound. At this weight, it's the very maximum acceptable weight.
And I need to go to bed so I can stop rambling about unproductive topics.
Healthy me....please come back.
