Crazy

Sorry for the lack of posts. It's been a little crazy. Although those that read this already know this by now, last week at work I kind of passed out. I say kind of because I don't think I technically "passed out" as much as just got dizzy/lost balance, but whatever. I pretty much fell into my one manager's arms. I did feel shaky when I got there but I knew I had purged only an hour prior and that feeling is all too familiar to me. It.was.so.embarrassing. Thank God the store was not crowded so no one saw me on the floor leaning on Tracy. My store manager called the EMTs even though I swore it wasn't necessary. (although, let's be honest, anyone that knows me would attest to the fact I would say I am fine even if a bullet was in me) The EMTs just told me I had a low blood sugar and gave me some orange juice, which I already don't like, with some disgusting glucose powder in it. I immediately felt better, although tired, and wanted to keep working. I refused the hospital to get checked out and insisted my parents not know because they're already worried. My store manager informed me it was too late because she called my dad already. Anyway, my mom pretty much didn't talk to me for a day and my dad was okay. Both of my parents are still worried I think, which makes sense.

I didn't think this was such a big deal when it happened. It's not like I was like oh well, I just passed out, but I can't say its the first time. It did take me by surprise because I keep arguing things are going well just because school hasn't gone to shit this semester. When my doctor sent me this message back I was very surprised.

Ellen

Thank you for sharing this with me. I need you to stop restricting and stop binging/purging NOW. I know that is easier said than done, but I am serious.

I'm not entirely sure it was due to low blood sugar (which is bad enough). I'm also concerned it was due to dehydration. Low blood sugar makes you confused, but doesn't typically make people dizzy and lose consciousness.

You should probably come in to my office for IV fluids. If not today, tomorrow.

It sounds to me that you are having a hard time keeping yourself adequately hydrated and with adequate nutrition. Next time you may have to be admitted to the hospital.

Dr. S

I mean she was probably trying to scare me a little bit, but hospitalized? That frightened me. She is normally easygoing so that is not a typical response for her. She thought dehydration may be a contributing factor so I went in for IV fluids on Thursday. And of course, here's the million dollar question-- have my actions changed since? Well, the day of I ate a normal dinner at home. My dad took me to Sheetz and I got a huge salad and ate it all--lettuce, rice and beans, tortilla chips, croutons, ranch dressing, vegetables, cheese, the works. The next day I didn't exercise and allowed myself about 1300-1400 calories. I was gonna have a freakout. I was eating 2600 calories(of junk) at RCC and now 1300 made me panic. I guess that's a sign I've slid backwards. The next day I think I went back to my normal amount and then I think I binged and purged Sunday. Maybe Saturday,too? Yesterday and today I've gone back to my normal amount and today I probably went 200 calories over. I am not sure if I am going to allow it to be an overage or move it to tomorrow's calories. We'll see.

I am so behind in schoolwork and should be writing a paper that was due today. I have 3/4 of a page out of 5 page minimum. Blah. Such a boring topic. Individualism and different theorists opinions. Gag. I am taking a break to write this and then 16 and Pregnant and then maybe I'll write more. I am not sure how late this prof will accept it. One good thing about having an ED and the recent bomb threats in addition, profs are more understanding. To be quite honest, I did have a lot of health issues last week and have had a rough time focusing.

My parents have been making more comments and it drives me crazy. I haven't lost any more weight. I still hover between 10 and 15 lbs lower than I was Feb 1st. My dad said I am gonna get blown away by the wind and my friend said I looked like a ghost the other day. My other friend said I look good and most friends refuse to comment. Which one is it?

Tomorrow I have an orthodontist appointment at 11 to discuss jaw surgery further. We only met with 1 oral surgeon so far and haven't reached a final decision yet, so this meeting is kind of pointless. Then, I am meeting one of my managers for Mad Mex at 330. I really am excited about that but nervous,too. I have never eaten in front of her, or most people at work for that matter, and I am afraid she thinks it's weird to hang out with me or we won't have much to talk about. I worry t0o much. I don't want us to talk about work the whole time because I'd rather get to know HER. I hope it's fun. I hope I don't mention anything ED-related(unless she asks) because I tend to blab on to people I feel safe with and I know that it is heavy stuff and draining. She knows about the ED and I am not sure why it's so comforting to talk to her about it. Sweatpants+margarita+ their food+ her company tomorrow should just be great.

I better go and try to write more of this damn paper. Then TV then HOPEFULLY more hmwk. I have sooo much to do in the next 2 weeks and just like to pretend none of it exists. And in the past I HAVE actually not done things and set myself up for failure. I cannot do that this time!