School: It is going better than usual and with the exception of Social Theory, in which I have a D, I have all As and Bs thus far. I am so thankful this semester is going better and am trying to finish strong. I am getting tired and feeling lazy, but need to put in a ton more effort and not give up now. I so often have a hard time focusing,though. Who knows how I am gonna get through grad school as well.
Work: I don't work much...just 12 hours a week usually. I don't have a lot of friends there or talk to too many people. I feel a pressure to always look nice even though most people don't dress nicely. I just like putting together outfits. It's been kind of triggering more than usual to see sizes. I look at size 0 or 2 pants and think...jeez, these will never fit. A huge problem for me is comparing myself to how I used to look. I am back down to a similar range I was (but a few lbs heavier) when I was 16 pre-anorexia. But some sick part of me still wants to hit the same mark. 100 lbs. I will not say where I am now, but it's nowhere near close.
Exercise: I love to exercise. I feel so much better. I usually only do the treadmill or elliptical for a little, go to spinning, or take a walk/jog if it's nice out. I sometimes don't have time when I have school, but it's nice to try to incorporate it into my days because it gives me life.
Friends: I try to see people as often as possible to keep me sane. I feel I have very few TRUE friends, but it's nice to even see acquaintances. Over the weekend I went out-out twice and the second time didn't end very well. It was SO good to see my treatment friend, but we drank too much and made dumb choices. We ended up walking from Southside to Oakland at 5:30 in the morning and my mom picked us up. Mortifying. I won't get into details, but we were so lucky to end up okay. Bad life choice and lesson learned. I seriously wish she lived closer. Definitely cried when she left. Also, as weird as this sounds, (I tried to explain this to my therapist but was afraid it sounded homoerotic) it was so comforting to have someone next to me in bed. Due to "trauma" issues, I feel "unsafe"/panicked at night and often feel like bugs are on me, but when she slept next to me I felt okay. It could have been due to my intoxication, but regardless I rested easier. The past 2 nights I have cried myself to sleep.
Appointments: Luckily, I still see my MD every 2 weeks. She is amazing and super supportive. I feel I can be *mostly* honest with her. Jennie, however, is a work in progress and I struggle to remain honest. I have opened up with her more about the trauma thing, and she has suggested exposure therapy. We'll see about that.
I am kind of sick of typing, so I am probably going to bed. THis week is spring break and I so need to do homework. I just never feel like sitting down and do it. TOmorrow my only plans so far are meeting a friend for lunch and going to spinning class, so I should theoretically have a lot of time.:/
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