Bingefest( warning: not a positive entry)

Eek, I hate myself. How have I been bulimic for 6 years but only had anorexia for the first year? Oh, I know! I have no self-control. Honestly, though, I am SO much happier (although I am such a bitch when I am hungry) when I am restricting. After bingeing/purging these past 2 days, I feel super depressed, lethargic, and like my world is going to end. When I weighed myself yesterday, it hadn't gone up from the previous Monday, but it also didn't go down. I want to see the downward trend. GR. I am fighting biology, perhaps. I am sure I will have gained a few lbs by the end of today,though. I don't know HOW I am going to focus on my paper. I still have 4-5 pages to go and all I can think about is how much weight I probably gained this weekend.:( Ahhhhhh. I am also on my period which probably makes me feel even fatter.

I bought too many clothes this weekend. Whoops! I have this huge fear of buying clothes too small and would rather have "room to grow". I bought a pair of shorts at Loft the other day and the right size was hanging off me a little bit. I thought they were acceptable, but my mom vetoed them. I bought a size smaller than I wear and now I am terrified by the time they get worn, I will have outgrown them. Pressure's on. I also bought a skirt from Old Navy and a tee from target. Shopping addiction, perhaps?

I had therapy today and I feel like I always leave more pissed off. She asked what I was working on. That ALWAYS makes me feel like she thinks I am not motivated. I want to get better, duh, that's why I am coming. I just want to lose weight,too, but know she obviously would not support that so I constantly feel like I am only giving her half the story. I feel like I am still not "safe" with her and how do I know she won't give up on me? My MD I am so much more comfortable with, but even her I have been superficial with lately. I think only Marissa and Liz know how I am really doing. I am fine, but it's obviously still a struggle. Some friends just don't know what to say and telling me to stop worrying isn't gonna help. I know she means well, but it's frustrating. I constantly feel tempted to slap on a fucking smile and tell everyone I am recovered!

I am supposed to be doing my homework now but my mom is currently making me lunch. I want to purge afterwards in the shower, but I probably shouldn't risk it. I will probably stuff my face today. to me there is no in between. If i already ruined today and my net calories ( meaning what they are after exercising for about an hour) aren't in the acceptable range, I give up and eat whatever the hell I want. All-or-nothing thinking will be the death of me.

I don't know how I am going to get this paper done. I wish there were an off button for minds. ALl I can think about is how fat I am. @(#*HFMSMdlfo blahhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry to anyone that may read this that the posts have been extremely candid lately. I normally try to edit myself somewhat(at least I left out sizes and weights, although thats partially because I am hesitant to tell anyone that info for fear of judgment that I don't *seem* like I have an ED) but recently I have just not been in a good place.:(

I really hope tmrw I can get back on track with school work and eating plan/exercise. I want to be down 15 lbs by the summer. That's my goal weight. And that'll be a cold day in hell when I get there. I cannot physically reach weights I was when I was 16 probably because of body structure and my lack of self-control. Even that weight would be a whopping 10 or 15 lbs higher than my lowest ever( at 17 years old)

Fuck, I am being negative. Goodbye.