I am tired because I stayed up until 1AM writing my essay for social theory. It was difficult because I kept wanting to go buy binge food because it was my "last chance" before my "diet" resumed, but I didn't. In the past, I would have given into urges to binge and purge and/or would have just not written the paper because of feeling stupid and like it wouldn't be good enough, as well as the obvious time crunch. But I did it! I hope that I can actually raise my D grade to a C or better because to have to take this class again would be miserable. However, with a better teacher I imagine it wouldn't be AS painful.
I am awfully anxious right now. I guess for several reasons.
1) I am going to the Doctor's tomorrow. Why this makes me anxious as I really like her, I am not sure. I think she is going to take a look at my skin because I often complain about potential bites freaking out that I have scabies/bedbugs/body lice/ something of that nature. This ashames me that I obsess about stuff like that, and I don't like to talk about it. I think her asking to see my skin, although I want her to, is going to make me feel stupid if she doesn't find anything. Also, for as often as I see my doctor, I can't remember the last time she's actually examined me or anything. We talk, which is fine with me! Good god--doctors make me way too nervous when they get up all in your business. I feel like they're judging me somehow. Weird doctor fears! I also just don't want to think about my fear of bugs and talk about it because it's upsetting me a lot as is. I cry myself to sleep a lot feeling "unsafe" and worrying about that, or my parents dying. 2 prevalent themes that upset me a lot lately. I'm such a worrier.
2) I am still not sure what I weigh and don't want to see a higher number(or the same number), so I probably will wait a week until I get on the scale again. I have no idea why it's important to me to get down to a certain number. After all, numbers are arbitrary and have no inherent qualities that make them "good" or bad"--these qualities are ascribed to the numbers by society and individuals, but they're not bad in and of themselves. I just want to be as close to the underweight range as possible without being in medical danger. The very bottom of normal for my height...which is my GW. It's funny that for me, this is an exception, but everyone else I would tell that BMI is a load of crap. It really is! Any kind of system that can call someone morbidly obese who is an Olympic athlete is a flawed system in my book. So who knows why I want a lower BMI so badly.
3) I am anxious because I saw several small beetle looking bugs downstairs earlier and it looked like an infestation. I don't like bugs. I don't want them anywhere near me, let alone in the house. Ah, they better be gone! :(
4) I have homework to do and I don't feel like doing anything
5) I think about summer classes as the semester draws nearer to the end. I could always sign up and withdraw before add/drop is over if I decide it will be too much...or sign up at the last minute. I wanted to see how my grades were this semester and see how I am doing ED-wise. I am terrified that I will end up taking a turn for the worse and have to take a G in the class or drop out, like I've done in the past. Although, even if I really go downhill and lose a lot of weight, which seems pretty unlikely, I don't think I would even go to treatment because parents would not cooperate, I still have a huge bill from Ohio, I still have no residential coverage and would have to do inpatient, which is never appropriate unless you're like 2 pounds, and what would I learn that I haven't in the past? Why am I even thinking about this? I am stable right now. Pshh.
I worry about way too much. Gosh, no wonder why I can never concentrate. I wish you really could press an off button to make your thoughts stop. This is why I also dread going to bed at night and waiting for the sleeping pill to knock me out. I just worry or feel uncomfortable worried bugs are in my bed or cry about something.
Well, I should go try to do homework. I have to get up early tomorrow for spinning before my doctor's appointment. As an incentive to do work, I am probably going to watch tv with my mom or watch Desperate Housewives online afterwards.
Well, this was a little more positive than yesterday. I am sure there's a lot more I could day, but I am kind of sick of typing.
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