Body tracing?

My old therapist offered to trace my body when I was saying how fat I felt. She said if I was too uncomfortable doing that, I could trace hers. A) She was too skinny and that'd make me feel worse but B) how would that help me?

My doctor also said I could trace her last summer. I never took anyone up on that, but I often wonder if it would help. I never used to think I had a distorted perception. I have always said sure, a 90 pound anorexic is NOT seeing herself accurately portrayed in a mirror, but I COULD clearly see what is there. I always get confused when other people comment. I can never trust my mom's comments because a lot of times( when I haven't even lost weight) she will say I look thinner. I think it's code for "I am worried about you and I don't know what to say". This weekend, however, my treatment friend( Julie) visited and the first thing she said when she got out of the car was "you look tiny". Now, the most I could have lost since I last saw her is 10 lbs, so that shouldn't be recognizably different. 20 lbs, probably. I just can't help but always feel like I can be thinner. The sick part of my mind wants to lose weight directly down to the mark just where I am considered underweight. That way I am comfortable and have room to grow. haha. That would involve currently losing about 15ish pounds. Not gonna happen. This isn't going in a positive direction, so I am going to make my mind shut up and try to read a chapter for school.

Maybe I will bring up the idea of body tracing to Jennie. I have seen it on a documentary and it seemed like a good idea to challenge the perception. I believe you draw yourself how you think you appear and then the therapist traces you. It's likely that the person will be smaller.

Anyway, body image is THE hardest part to manage I would say. It's such a trigger that leads me back to patterns. I either think I am fat and disgusting and want to restrict and lose weight. I don't feel like I am restricting now, but it depends on whose book we are talking about. Or, I feel disgusting and resign myself to the fact that Ill always be fat so I should binge/purge to numb my feelings.

Ah, I am hungry and there's no one to eat with. I am going to make my mom go with me or meet a friend in a few hours. I am so confused by net calories. I track calories and I don't know whether to count calories before exercise or calories after (net) as my daily total. How many net calories is too little? I frankly don't want to ask my therapist or doctor because I likely will not like the answer. But there's always worse I could do.

Anyway, I must go.

This is pretty negative, but at least it felt good to get it out of me!