In the nights that I am crying myself to sleep, I often wonder if God can hear me. I have this false belief that if was real and he loved me, he'd take the pain away and I wouldn't feel so alone and broken. In reality, I am wrong and suffering can be a spiritual gift. It's so hard to see it that way. Ruth gave me a good prayer to say today when I am having those nights. It's great. (I can't. You Must. Im yours. Show me the way.) I will try to say that as I am anxious/upset trying to fall asleep.
I am so bad at comforting myself. My therapist said its common for people with EDs to not be good at soothing themselves so they turn to food or lack thereof or exercise or what not to soothe them. Thats how I feel. Today I didn't binge and purge but I feel gross for eating a big dinner.
I feel empty and alone and don't feel like doing homework. I wanted to go to Danielle's so badly just to be in good company and get out of my head. I didn't feel like dealing with my parents,though. Yes, I am 23 and sometimes get treated like I am 12.
I've been terribly negative lately...I apologize. It's not like anyone really reads this,though. I thought about giving my therapist the link, but thats probably a bad idea. I would probably censor myself then.
Off to try to do some homework when I really just want to hide and sleep for the next 500 years. I am SO maladaptive. See why I say I'll never be normal?
:(
1. In reference to paragraph 1, I will always be your friend..I know a lot about you I may not know everything there is but nothing would drive me away from being your friend ever. I'm always here for and will always be with you through all your struggles even when others leave you when you struggle I will always be there.
ReplyDelete2. I don't know much about religion and all that and it's hard to feel like you're being heard from God when soooo much goes wrong. A Mariah Carey <3 song that I love is like the story of my life when I lived on my own, alone, poor, couldn't afford to eat, and just cried myself to sleep every night maybe it could be an uplifting song for you...specifically these lyrics described my life to a T and maybe relate to your struggles "Not more than 3 short years ago, I was abandoned and alone without a penny to my name so very young and so afraid no proper shoes upon my feet some times I couldn't even eat, I often cried myself to sleep, but still I had to keep on going never knowing if I could take it if I would make it through the night I held on to my faith I struggled and I prayed and now I finally found my way if you beleive in yourself enough and know what you want your gonna make it happen, make it happen and if you get down on your knees at knight and pray to the Lord he's gonna make it happen make it happen. I know life can feels so tough and you feel like giving up but you must be strong baby just hold on...."
3. In reference to paragraph 3 maybe sooth yourself by having spa days I do that when I dont' know what to do and need to relax...take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble, do your nails and toenails, pluck eye brows play with hair/makeup, try a face mask.
4. I can't wait to see you soon. I think it would be good for your therapist to see, but bad because then you wouldn't be as open so for now maybe keep it to a select few people.
5. I am proud of you you seem to be dilligent at doing your homework this semester! And if you think Wordddd goes well then you got an easy A in another class you could take in the summer!
6. I love your vocabulary it's so strong I never heard of 'maladaptive' I don't even know what that means, but wish I knew all these big words like you do!