Wednesdays always get me

There's something about Wednesdays lately. I think every Wednesday since the semester started has been especially challenging...especially this week and last week. Today I wasn't as emotional as last week but I still wore sweatpants, felt really depressed, and binged and purged before class. My emotions are all over the place. You think being on an antidepressant would stabilize my mood more, but right now I feel pretty depressed. I just can never picture myself being truly happy, normal, or successful. I get so sad thinking about how i was 16/17 and seemed to blink and be 23 and a half. I feel like I've stayed stuck that age mentally and emotionally and haven't progressed since the eating disorder took over my life. Yes, I have the freedom to change this. It's hard, though when your motivation waxes and wanes and you usually just cannot see a good future for yourself. I figure that even if I get through college, I prob won't get into a good grad school program. Even if I get my master's in counseling, i'll still not be making enough money to live comfortably. Plus, I don't know if I'll even be good at that given my history.

Blah. I'm like depressing as hell today. I just feel pretty hopeless. As I have expressed before, I always need something to look forward to in my life to get out of bed in the morning. Like today, I have been looking forward to seeing Danielle tomorrow. If I have nothing, well, it's either planning weight loss goals (that I will undoubtedly fail at) or comforting myself with food...or purging my emotions through purging. I know I need HEALTHY coping mechanisms. Ugh, I should go do homework. I am so not in the mood. Probably will watch TV and try to cheer myself up somehow. The one thing keeping me going is that my parents have done SO much for me in my life and would be devastated if something ever happened to me, through my ED or not through it, or if I throw my life away.