Lethargy

Okay, so I didn't get a chance to add to yesterday's post, but I am still feeling pretty similarly. In my eating disorder, I have two modes. For the first year of my eating disorder, I was strictly restrictive.(anorexic) Since, I have had two modes--I am either in restrictive mode and limit my calories to a number on a weight loss level. Or, I screw up and binge and purge and go on a path of "fuck it" mode. I eat whatever I want and kind of say oh well, I'll be fat forever. I am constantly in one or the other. I flip flop between bingeing,purging, and restricting. Over the summer, it was mainly restriction and I got to a weight range I hadn't been to since high school. Then, I went to treatment and gained it back. Sigh. Okay, enough about my eating disorder, although it's hard not to mention because it's still a big part of my life, unfortunately.

I am so excited that I calculated I can graduate next spring if I take 12-13 credits over the summer, I get through this current semester, and I take 14-15 credits for the last 2 semesters. I know it would still be 2 years late, so it's like what's the big excitement? When you've taken off as many semesters as I have or dropped as many classes as I have, you'll understand. This should be a huge motivation for me and part of me is like okay, don't screw it up! I mean it is motivation for me. There is still always a disconnect between my thoughts and my actions, though. Because technically motivation to finish school has always been there for me, but it doesn't mean it's helped me enough to be able to just get better. I should post something in my room like grad school programs or something Pitt related to help motivate me. That along with the Ohio bill and I should never want to binge/purge/restrict ever again! haha.

Anyway, today I am just in a blah mood. Body image is super bad as usual but trying to ignore it. I ate a normal breakfast today and kept it down...so there's a good thing. It's almost impossible,though to use symptoms while my parents are home. My dad my retire in April and I am going to CRAZY with both parents home. I could look to move out but I am broke, have no one to live with, and it may make sense to wait until Grad School. I don't know what would be better for me. I have to work today 530-930 and am kind of dreading it. I don't like retail to begin with, but I feel a pressure to look nice and to always be in a good mood, when I am miserable and want to stay in bed. I cannot wait to have a real job some day and be done with minimum wage jobs. I don't want to wish my life away,however. I have been realizing more and more lately that if I continue numbing myself out with my unhealthy coping mechanisms, I am not truly living, and am going to wake up 35 one day and wonder where the years went. The past 7 have already been such a blur and I don't want that to happen for longer.

I don't have many weekend plans. Tonight after work I may get coffee with Kristen,which should be fun. Then tomorrow I work 2-6 and will probably go to Sheetz with Laura for our weekly chat sesh. I really enjoy those. Laura is one of those friends that has known me before the ED and knows who I really am, thank god. The friends I have meant in college I feel like might have gotten a glimpse of who I really am, but unfortunately have seen an Ellen pretty entrenched in her disorder. Of course, like that's what I talked about 90 percent of this blog post, but it's what's in my head. This blog is to help me vent anyway, so I see no problem.

Well, I better go start some homework and get ready for the day seeing as it's almost 2PM.