Depression

I have been extremely depressed the past 2 days. And I almost don't want to feel better. Because if I feel better I know it's only temporary. I have been suicidal only a few times in my life. It was horrible but it's almost worse to get back to that point after feeling hope again. Hence why I almost don't want to feel better. I know it's just a temporary fix and only a matter of time before I am back in the pit of despair. My parents are the one thing that would totally prevent me from doing something stupid. And the fact that I just couldn't go through with it. Sometimes I think I want to die when my parents die anyway because I feel it'd be too hard with them gone. Yes, I know that's irrational. I'm crazy, remember? And I know it would tear my parents (and friends) apart if something ever happened to me. This is why I am rational. I know people say suicide is selfish. I agree and disagree at the same time. Before I had experienced an ED and depression, I would have completely agreed with that statement and would have found the idea of suicide unfathomable. I have since experienced a lot of emotional pain (and I by no means am claiming to be alone or try to be dramatic) and have found it unbearable at times. Like there's no hope for me. I'll never be truly happy or normal or okay. I hope I snap out of this mood. I just want to go to bed and wake up when it's warm and I am happy and forget Im 23, still in school, without a boyfriend, still in my ED, ruining relationships, being a stress on my parents, being maladaptive, not working in retail, so "behind" in life,etc. Gonna TRY to do some school work and soothe myself with TV or something. I want to binge and purge so fucking bad...but I live at home. I already did today once at school and missed my 1st class.:( I have no idea if my mood swings are being completely caused by depression, my med, or the eating behaviors.

My Dr said to call her if I feel worse tmrw. She also said soon Ill be 24 and the Effexor won't have a risk for making me suicidal. Hm, not much is gonna change in 6 months? But, I trust her and she has a medical degree; whereas, I do not. Blah.

*disclaimer:if anyone reads this I am not ACTIVELY suicidal so please do not freak out or call 911 or anything crazy...I informed my Dr and therapist and am going to let them know if things become more serous. I am just venting*