Can't let myself

I've been gone for a few days...jeez. I like to post every day because it's an outlet. Let's see...what did I do this weekend. Friday I had plans to meet my friend,Kate, in the Southside. We were going to go to dinner and see her ex-boyfriend play at The Smiling Moose. It was supposed to snow a lot...which it did...so we didn't end up going. I went over Danielle's instead. We made cupcakes and watched Doug and she helped me study. It was a really good time. I was bummed about having to stay in from the snow and always have fun with Danielle....so it was really good. She's one of the few friends I really feel like myself around and I never have felt like she's EVER judged me for what I eat/don't eat/having an eating disorder.

Saturday I worked 5-9 then got coffee with Kristen. It was good. We focus so much on negative things, which can be depressing, but it was good still. I also went to hot yoga that day with my cousin. I am not a big yoga fan but thought I'd give it a try. I sweat like a pig and was so surprised I didn't pass out. It kind of felt cleansing but it's always hard for me to not let my mind wander off. That's why I like fast-paced stuff like jogging and spinning a lot more. I may give it another try,though. I was surprisingly sore afterward. Today I went to the gym for a little(finally) and then worked 230-630. I got dinner with my parents and then saw Laura for our weekly Sheetz date.:) Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. I still need to do homework, but lucky for me, I have Mondays off. I ate semi-normally this weekend with the exception of the last binge/purge, which was Friday I believe. I can't stand how I feel when I eat normally. It's like I feel more energized and in a better mood, but my mind automatically says I can't do this and I ALWAYS backpedal. I feel too guilty on the days that I am not bingeing and purging or restricting. It's like I need to be punishing myself by bingeing/purging and still getting that release or trying to restrict myself to skinny. Eating normally is so foreign to me after all these years. I just feel like I can't do it. Recovery is going to be such a bitch. If I ever fully get there, it will be such an accomplishment.

While I know I'll never be truly happy with this or I won't reach my goals, part of me still wants to stay sick and it's mainly out of fear. Makes no rational sense, but who ever said this was rational? There is a sick part of me that still wants to look like I did at 17 and anorexic. I have never let that bitterness go and I hang onto that mental image always hoping that one day I'll get back there and "try it out" one more time. I hate myself when I don't have the self- control to starve myself back to 100 lbs. It's sick.

Well, I better go. I want to wake up for spinning class tomorrow and have to be there at 830. Peace.