Sweatpants kind of day

When I wear sweatpants, 9 times out of 10, it is a bad sign. Today, and recently, I have been so focused on my seemingly expanding body. I like to pick out outfits even when I am not satisfied with my body because, let's be honest, that's never. Between my skin making me feel ugly and my horrible body image, today I chose a hoodie and sweatpants and a really puffy coat to hide under. No, that doesn't make me feel better but I suppose it's better than feeling my shirt press on my stomach or my thigh fat bust through my jeans.

I saw both my doctor and therapist today. My doctor is wonderful and has so much patience for me. It took me a bit to get comfortable with her, but for the past 8 months or so, she's been the one person I'm honest with and really trust. My therapist I haven't known that long so we're still kind of feeling things out. Today's session was okay,though, because I was emotionally vulnerable with her for once. I just pretty much cried. It was good to let go and not feel like I had to pretend I was fine. So often I pretend I am doing well and slap on a smile when I am screaming on the inside. I kind of understand why now. I texted a friend earlier and when I mentioned something about feeling clothes being tighter, she responded quickly and said good night. To me, who is a big overanalyzer, that sounded extremely dismissive and like she didn't want to deal with my irrationality. I felt a little hurt and invalidated. I don't expect someone to sit there for hours as I complain or to say, you're right, your clothes are tighter. I don't know what I feel I needed from her. But the good night response really felt like okay, i don't want to deal with you. Gosh, why do I let people in? Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe they have seen enough of the eating disorder(understandably) but I am allowed to struggle. This particular friend I never text or complain about the ED anymore, at least via text or anything.

I did make it to class tonight and didn't do any better with food today. But, just as I was about to chalk this day up to total crap, Laura texted me and wanted to hang out at Sheetz. Thank. the.Lord. I was feeling so depressed and alone and after chatting with her and laughing (and opening up about how I am really doing), I feel so much better...at least for now...which is all I can ask for.

I still really need to get back on track with the gym and food. My doctor suggested seeing a nutritionist again, but a) I hate talking about food and never found it extremely helpful in the past and b) I think I cut the ties with my old one so I don't know who I'd see. Trust me, there are very limited good ones in Pittsburgh.

I need to be more on track with school work,too. I just am always tired or thinking about something else. The one class, Social Theory, I have been avoiding doing the readings because when I tried, I wanted to cry. Reading for the other classes is not bad. Why I picked a Sociology major is beyond me. It's not even very interesting to me. It just didn't make sense to minor in anything else because there was either no interest or it was not related to Psychology in the least.

Well, I better go try to get some sleep. I hope my anxiety and emotions calm down so I can get some rest. Trazodone, kick in fast.