true life:i run from emotions

Yeah. I hate that I am so programmed to numb out through unhealthy coping mechanisms that I often do not know how I am feeling. Then, eventually, I break down and am not too sure why. Last night I was crying as I was falling asleep and a lot of it was legitimate worries, but it was out of the blue. Granted I get emotional when I get my period, but still. Then, Julie and I were talking tonight and I just started crying. I was kind of upset, but I feel like a lot of times I don't "feel" things and it builds up. A balloon can only hold so much air before it pops. It's just a matter of time.

Regardless, I had a good time hanging out with Julie.:) Part of me, in my dumb head, is often sad that things aren't the way they used to be and compares things to the past. Life is ever-changing and my eating disorder is the one thing that is and has kept me stuck. Between that and being a person that hates/has a hard time adjusting to change, it is veryyy hard for me when things aren't the way they were. With that being said, I eventually get used to things. Change does not necessarily equal bad, and that's what I can't get through my head, for any circumstance. It's frustrating. Whether it's my time spent with Julie or my childhood or time in college, I often think, jeez, I wish I would have enjoyed it more at the time, and I didn't know what I would later miss. I suspect the same will be true for these years if I continue to do this.

I don't think I am making any sense--I just wanted to post quickly before bed. I had a long day between classes, volunteering an hour with my friend, and doing a homework assignment. I have been not doing well with food, like I've said. I've been bingeing and purging more and don't have enough solid meals. I swear--bingeing,purging, or restricting. No in between. It's like banging my head against a wall. Tomorrow's a new day.

Fall seven times and stand up eight.