Overwhelmed

I am just plain overwhelmed. Why do I seem to have an inability to cope with life? It's ridiculous. I have been starving/bingeing/purging for SEVEN YEARS. Give it up, girl. It OBVIOUSLY isn't working. I still always fall back on it,though. I am overwhelmed with school even though I am only taking 12 credits. If it weren't for that one damn class that I seem to just avoid all the work for because it's confusing and the professor's a jerk, then I would be peachy. I am overwhelmed with my phobia of bugs/dirt and frat party thing that still affects me 3 1/2 years later. I am overwhelmed by constant anxiety of things like realizing my parents are getting older and so am I, and I want to go back in time and have years and years with them. I am overwhelmed by lack of money and bills and my mom's financial situation. I am overwhelmed with sometimes feeling stifled at home (ESPECIALLY if my dad retires in April), yet not having anyone I want to move out with or really feeling "ready". I am overwhelmed with thoughts about weight loss. To complicate that, my sister called my mom yesterday while I was in the car, and it turns out she wants to come home and run the 1/2 Marathon. This makes me crazy because 1) my sister is/was bulimic and tends to have an all-or-nothing attitude about exercise as I do 2) Running was always MY thing and 3) I feel like she'll be all thin when she comes home 4) I feel like she'll get a lot of positive attention for doing so 4) It's always been a goal of mine, but due to breathing issues and other health problems, I don't think I could even do it (not to mention in order to train you need to be healthy and consume adequate nutrition and NOT be dehydrated/malnourished/etc. like I probably am) I know this sounds ridiculous and it'd be hard to understand, but here's a little back info that I have only put together recently.

- When I was little, I was always naturally thin and my dad called me "skinny mini"( i now realize parents probably shouldn't give a kid a nickname based on physical appearance)

- This nickname stuck until my middle sister(not the one running the 1/2) developed anorexia and he started calling HER that

- I, at the time, was going through puberty and naturally put on weight. I no longer felt special and I felt like she took my identity in the family

- At the same time, unbeknownst to anyone, I believe my oldest sister was developing bulimia

- Betsy seemed to "snap out of" anorexia (I think that it wasn't full-blown or else I would never say someone can just snap out of an ED) and was fine after that

- I developed anorexia and then my parents gave me attention (negative attention...but I still felt my weight defined me). I also started running around this time and everyone knew it was a hobby of mine

Anyway, Katie running the 1/2 Marathon brings up a lot of feelings for me. The irrational, sick side of me wants to lose like 20 lbs before she gets home and then I will be noticed for something. I know it's seeking attention in the wrong way. I just want to be noticed and cared about and loved. I am not saying this isn't true now; I just feel so alone so often. I fixate on weight and promise myself that I need to try getting to a lower weight ONE more time and see if it fulfills me. If not, then I can completely let go of the eating disorder. I recognize this is messed up. Also, I have no self- control and obviously couldn't lose much weight anyway. I've been trying ever since I developed bulimia and it's a no-go.

Blah, why am i so depressing? I hope tomorrow I can get back on track with food. It truly is a vicious cycle. Today, I woke up feeling disgusting from 2 days of bingeing and then just ate like 600 calories before I left the house and knew I had decided to skip class and binge and purge. I skipped class because I haven't done the reading and am so lost and behind... and I binged and purged because I figured I am fat anyway...I give up. 3 days of failure doesn't have to continue,though. I will go to my last class today.

I am wishing I kept my appointments this week. Especially with my MD because she's so supportive and I trust her more than anyone right now. My therapy sessions are hit or miss. I kind of skipped them to save money and to punish myself for bingeing I guess. I know I am being repetitive from yesterday, but oh well.

I at least will see Danielle today after tutoring. I hope we at least do something fun. I know I am gonna be hungry later which I CAN'T STAND. After a binge/purge, I just want to be done for the day. My stupid body still absorbs most of the calories from it and then is STILL asking for food later. Sorry, I used so many caps today. I guess I am angry?