Feast or Famine

WHY do I have such an all-or-nothing attitude about EVERYTHING? It's beyond frustrating. So, I was doing well with no bingeing or purging up until yesterday. Granted, I was probably not eating exactly enough calories for my height/age/weight/etc., but I was doing pretty well. Yesterday, however, there were issues. Sundays can be bad because I always go to Sheetz with Laura to get a snack at night and sometimes my parents want to go to dinner. Yesterday they wanted to go to Pizza Hut. I, being the people pleaser that I am, agreed to go there even though it's a trigger. I ate a personal pizza and felt so guilty about it (plus an appetizer with parents) and had a "fuck it" attitude for the rest of the day. I was ravenous when we went there, but still. I continued to come home after Sheetz with Laura and binge on luna bars. I was so depressed last night that I didn't wash my face or anything before bed--I just hit the sack hoping I'd feel better in the morning. When I looked at my distended stomach in the mirror, I immediately felt disgusting. It WOULD HAVE made the most sense to get back on track. Since I haven't been eating much of a breakfast lately, I asked my mom to make me pancakes because it felt like my last chance to eat them. Then, i ate a little more and purged in the shower. Good idea, Ellen.

The rest of today I have been considering a "Last Meal" and just have been eating whatever the hell I want. Tomorrow I hopefully will get back to my set number of calories and have some fucking self-control. Gosh.

I feel like shit and can't focus on homework and feel really alone. I think I'll lie around in my misery until I go to coffee with my friend.

I also have been panicking since my dad turned 60 and wish I could turn back the clock. I want to be a little girl again (or at least in my teens) and soak up as much time with my parents as much as possible without an eating disorder. It brings me to tears thinking I only have a limited number of years left with them, and how I just want to freeze or go back in time. :( I hate this. It makes me want to stay sick or die before them. Yes, I am crazy.

:(

Plus, I cancelled my doctor's appointment and therapy this week because I feel too fat to go. Another good idea, Ellen. I told them something came up and now I can't see my dr for like 16 days and my therapist for like 11. Probably will go crazy in the mean time. Well, hopefully I feel thinner by then. Jeez.