Emotions

I'm continuing this insane cycle of bingeing and purging and missed another class this morning. Social Theory. The class I hate...and we have a test coming up on Tuesday.:( Bad life choice. Whatever. I NEED to stop this nonsense. 5 days of bingeing or bingeing and purging sucks. I probably gained the 5 lbs I lost. Such is life,I guess. Tomorrow I do not have class and therefore don't have much of an opportunity. I just can't binge and then purge in the shower at home. Hopefully since I am doing spinning in the morning I will be motivated to not stuff my face. Gosh,Ellen, no.self.control.

I am at DD waiting for Ruth. I hate always telling people I am still struggling after so many rounds in treatment. I am sometimes tempted to slap on a freaking smile and tell everyone I am great. I do that to Jennie(my therapist) sometimes but ultimately usually end up breaking down at some point...even if I am alone. You can only hide from your emotions for so long before they catch up with you.

Okay, so I just met with Ruth. I ended up crying. I swear my period makes me more emotional. I feel like I need to be on drugs or something that help that. I was crying talking about how a lot of things that SHOULD motivate me to dump this damn disorder TODAY make me actually hold onto it for longer. For example, I get upset that I am 23 and for the past 7 years, my parents have only seen me sick. This should make me say wow, I will cherish time with them now. Instead, I get upset and turn to my ED to "comfort" me. Also, I was crying thinking about Ruth leaving in May. Why am I so emotional and easily attached to people? I guess I get so afraid that I won't have someone in my life anymore( and physical distance especially makes me anxious because they're physically inaccessible) and I tend to be sad for the loss rather than happy for what we had. I constantly would rather avoid pain and almost wish I hadn't have met someone because it makes me sadder when they're gone. I am one of the most messed-up, irrational people. Ruth basically said God puts people in your life for a reason and takes away when it's time. But he'll provide. I know she's right...but I also wondered if that was a way of saying we won't keep in touch. I can't help but think some people only see my ED and have so much closer relationships with people who are normal. Again, makes me want to turn back to the ED.

My life is so sad. Why am I so crazy? Normal people don't cry themselves to sleep thinking there are bugs on them or cry insisting they want to die before their parents do. I feel like I am doomed and should move into a mental hospital for life. What is normal anyway?

Blah. Emotional roller coaster.

I have to work tonight and not looking forward to that. I feel like my coworkers don't actually like ME--just my folding. So many of them are buddy-buddy and don't do much work, while I actually take folding seriously. I feel like a loner. I can just picture them when I was in Ohio saying that girl has issues...blah blah blah. Whatever. I can't prove or disprove my thoughts necessarily...so I'll just live with them.

I should be doing homework. I did no reading for this week and have 2 midterms next week(one for the class I hate and never go to...and never read for....im screwed)

I hope next week is better.

I need some comfort/motivation/hugs. Like lying on the couch with my head rested on my mom with a blanket wrapped around me. That's mainly comfort. But my messed-up head says to me don't do that too much because she won't always be there.

Anyone up for a brain swap?